Posted:
16 years ago
How the 'Dons' plan to make a 'killing' off Bollywood?
OMAR QURESHI
INDIATIMES MOVIES
'Lookit me!' said the international mafia marketing officer (IMMO) threateningly. And hundred, mean looking, cigar puffing, mafia bosses turned towards him.
'We're lookin' at you punk, now will you git off yer back and talk. Or we have ways to make you' the Brooklyn boss spoke amidst titters.
'Shuddup Don Pepperoni!' Immo shouted. 'Here we got issues and you wanna crack your punk jokes.'
'Har har' guffawed Don Capuccino. 'We all got 'issues', and from different women too ... hahahaha!' The meeting threatened to fall become a great comedy show but Immo fired his .38 in the air.
'You lookit me, bosses ... the matter is serious. We have to figure out new ways to make offa this new industry – Bollywood they call it, huh? They seem to be giving a run to our Hollywood guys and their Rupee currency is killing our Dollar more than we've ever killed Don Corleone onscreen.'
'Hear, hear!' there was deafening applause and more guns fired.
'But how?' rasped the asthmatic Don Fettuccini. 'We don't know the language, we don't know what they do, what games they play and what they eat even.'
Immo smirked like De'Niro in 'Analyze This (& That)', 'Look! From what I've dug up, these guys are like big time attached to their screen mommas and poppas. Real emotional. We'll just threaten to cut off their screen families from them. That should make them cry."
'Naa!' wheezed the more experienced Don Gyani. 'It's too obvious and clichd. I've seen some Indian films at the homes of my Indian mobster friends at Jackson Heights and it happened in every film they say. Now it's different. We don't want to cut a sorry figure. We should do something more innovative.'
'Yes' agreed Don Bon Bon. 'We should cut off their horses' heads and present them to these guys. That should put the fear of Godfather into them.'
'Shussh' everyone hushed him. 'That's a Godfather clich. And these guys are smart. They see more Hollywood films than we do. And they're not scared of dead horses. They kill them themselves by making them draw carriages and underfeeding them' muttered Don Kabuli-Channa .
'I say' muttered Don Tagliati, 'I've got an idea. Why not force their stars to appear on our foreign game shows and taking a cut of their earnings.
We can also extort from the contestants? Like a 'Who wants to be a millionaire?'
'We all do' more bullets are fired, until Don Pizzeria yelled, 'Silence!
Dontcha know they already have an Indian version? And it's hosted by their top star, some Starbucks Khan.'
'It's Shah Rukh' purred Pizzeria's moll, I love his films. Watch them with subtitles.'
'Whatever ... but then what to do?' Don Lasagna seemed depressed. 'Even our 'Spiderman 3 didn't make an impact in India. We were hoping to make some money of the studios there. I believe their own version did better. Some black masked guy called 'Krrish' something.'
'The name's Hrithik' purred the moll again
'Maybe that's the answer' Don Zunka-Bhakar perked up. 'Why not dub all Hollywood films in Indianese and release them there and make more money for our brothers here?'
'Hear hear' clapped all. 'that's the answer. 'So?'
'So' said Immo. 'Simply kidnap a guy called Ravi Kissen and make him dub for all our films. Success is ours."
http://movies.indiatimes.com/articleshow/msid-2024752,curpg- 7.cms
