"What did I do wrong?"
The question caught Amanda by surprise.
"I must have done something wrong, which made you hate me so much"
The reply also caught Amanda by surprise. She didn't know what to
say, because inside herself she knew that neither of this was Sean's
"You didn't do anything…"
"Well then…why did you treat me like that?"
Amanda could still feel the same coldness in Sean's voice, which
was there before. He wanted answers. But Amanda didn't have them. She
was so confused and full of guilt.
"I don't know what to say…all I can say is that, I'm sorry"
The apology didn't seem to take any effect on Sean. He just didn't
want to go back. Inside he had convinced himself, that there was
nothing left for him to go back to. He just wanted Amanda to go away
and to leave him alone.
"Well, you've said it, so now you can go back"
"Sean, I know I can't bring back the past, but if I could I would take back everything that I said"
"Well you can't, so just leave"
It was then that Amanda remembered what their father always used to say to them, whenever they were feeling down or depressed.
"Moments come and go from our lives and our life is small and
unpredictable. But when we realise it, it is too late" By looking at
Sean, Amanda knew that even now Sean hadn't forgotten what their
parents used to say. She could see that the memories were starting to
affect him. So she carried on. "We should forget our bad moments and
must remember only the good ones"
Sean had now just about had enough. The memories started to
confuse him. He started to lose control over his mind. He didn't know
what to do. He couldn't think of any good memories.
"That's the problem though…as far as I can remember, you have only
given me bad memories" Sean sighed. "So how do you expect me to
remember any good ones?" His voice started to quiver. Amanda could tell
that this was affecting Sean. She had the feeling that any minute now,
Sean would break down and decide to come back with her. So she started
to walk towards him.
"Like you if I would also live thinking about only the bad
moments, then I would also have only bitterness and hatred in my life"
Her voice started to soften. She tried to walk up to him and try to
comfort him. While at the same time tears were rolling continuously
from her eyes. From where she was approaching Sean, she could see that
he was also crying. She just wanted to bring him back home and rectify
her mistakes. Sean just stood there, in front of her, staring at the ground.
"Sarah was supposed to be my friend. So why did she do it?"
All of the memories came back to him. Everything about the past had
once again come back to haunt him. While at the same time he noticed
that Amanda was slowly approaching him. All of that hatred had come
back, into him. "No! – Don't you dare come anywhere near me?" yelled Sean.
Amanda could sense that the hatred that he had before, had now
returned. She could see it in his eyes. Now that she was closer to him,
she could see pain and hatred in his bloodshot eyes. "I needed you, but you pushed me away!" The closer Amanda got to
Sean the more she could see, how hurt he was, because of the past and
that she was also partly to blame for it.
"I understand how you feel" said Amanda, as she put her hand on
Sean's shoulder, trying to assure him that everything was going to be
fine now. But instantly he just brushed her hand off his shoulder.
"How well do you understand my feelings?" asked Sean, as he just
stared at Amanda. She could clearly see in his eyes, that he wanted
answers. It wasn't just her that he wanted answers from. Sean was
asking the same question from his fate. "For the first time, I fell in love and she betrayed me"
Sean could feel his heart break again, when he thought about
Nicola. All he could think about was all of the good times and then
that would all go away and he would just remember everything that he
heard her say.
Amanda just stood there staring at him and listening to everything
that he had to say. She wanted everything that he kept inside himself
to come out.
"I overheard Nicola saying that she was just using me and that she
wouldn't want anything to do with a rapist". At this very moment the
feeling that he had before had come back to him. He started to feel
broken from inside of himself. "You don't even know how that feels?" There was a brief silence
in between. All that could be heard was the cool breeze, which was
soaring about in the air.
"You know it wasn't because of the fact that she believed what I
was accused of, that hurt me…she said that she was just using me,
that's what hurt me…I loved her and she hurt me"
Amanda was shocked at what she was hearing. It made her feel even
guiltier. Sean had never mentioned to her that he loved Nicola. But why
should he have ever mentioned to her about his feelings for Nicola. She
was never there for him. Whenever he needed her, she was never there
for him. Sean just turned his back to Amanda and looked up at the sky. He
waved both of his hands through his sweaty, dark brown hair and sighed.
"I thought that at least both of you would believe me"
Amanda just started to get the feeling there wasn't any hope at all
of bringing Sean back with her. She could sense that he was full of
hatred and bitterness towards his past and whoever was associated with
it. She felt like walking away and leaving Sean to get on with his new
life, but there was something inside her, what made her stop in her
"You were proven innocent – so why didn't you come back?" asked Amanda.
"What was there to come back to…more heartbreaking and pain" replied Sean.
Amanda knew that she was partly to blame for the heartbreaking and
pain, that Sean had suffered in the past and is still suffering from.
"I don't deny that whatever I said was wrong, it's just that…."
Instantly Sean cut her off. "Forget whatever you did - I ended up
losing everything and everyone…I lost my family, friends, my love, my
confidence and my self – esteem. In any condition it was me who had to
bear the losses"
"I know Sean…."
Once again he didn't let Amanda finish what she was saying. "My
sisters – Rebecca and Samantha, they believed me, but you still took
them away from me…so what's left for me to come back to?"
"Me – I want my brother back" replied Amanda.
Just by hearing the word 'brother', it made Sean instantly turn around in anger.
"Don't utter this word!" yelled Sean. "It doesn't even suit you!"
This time what Sean had said, hurt Amanda. She felt pain in her heart. She knew she had no-one else to blame apart from herself.
"I...I…I'm sorry, I don't know, what I can say that will make you believe me"
Sean just grabbed hold of Amanda. He just held her arms tightly and just stared at her,
"Look at you! – You're just being selfish! ...You're only talking about yourself!"
And then Sean let go of her and turned away.
"If loving your own is being selfish, then yes I'm being selfish"
said Amanda, as she burst into tears. They were forming continuously in
her eyes. Sean could hear her cry. There was a part of him that wanted
to go to her and comfort her. But the past was still inside him. It
prevented him from going to her. He just stood there waiting for her to
calm down. "Let me ask you one question?"
Amanda just looked up as she wiped her tears away, with the sleeve of her jacket.
"Love which is not expressed, is that not love?"
The question just caught her by surprise.
"Of course it's love" replied Amanda.
"But love that one cannot feel, that love isn't love and as far as
I can remember I have never felt your love" said Sean, as he tried to
remember a time when he felt Amanda's love for him.
"You are right, maybe there was some fault in the way I expressed
my love and with me coming here, you can consider this as, me being
helpless or my way of expressing my love"
There was another pause. Only this time there was a longer pause
than before. Sean just stood there, thinking about what Amanda had said
to him. Is this her way of expressing her love or she just being
selfish. Sean was so confused he didn't know what to do. He just
couldn't forget about the past. He was just afraid of getting hurt
again. He just wanted to get away from this place.
Where as Amanda just stood there, full of pain and guilt just
staring at him. Waiting for Sean to turn around and say something. Even
though she had a feeling that it was virtually impossible to bring Sean
back home, she didn't want to give up. She still believed that there
was a small hope that he would agree to come back.
"Please come home?" asked Amanda.
To Be Continued.......................
Link To Next Part -:
http://www.india-forums.com/forum_posts.asp?TID=569973 Edited by Sujalthegreat - 2007-03-18T13:22:37Z