Moving in with prospective life patner ?

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Posted: 12 years ago

Background or Build up:

 

Marriage is considered as the last official tag in a relationship after which man and woman are legally inseparable until unless they really want to break the ties.

 

Typical marriage are results of the following - Introductions, knowing each other better, dating for a while, making a judgment that this is it, proposal , mutual agreement on spending life together and finally THE Marriage. In some cases, now the fun begins when both spouse share 24 hours together under the roof, at this point many unknown things about each other are revealed, some good or some bad. Out of the bad ones few can be sacrificed or compromised for but during this period if something comes up which cannot be compromised say from simple loud snoring to extreme case as drug addiction. This can simply happen since the spouses didn't spend enough time with each other to know 100% of the person they are falling for or simply whole relationship is based on lies. Final outcome - Whole life seems ruined for either or partner give way to D, cheating, frustration, abuse etc etc.

 

Based on the above scenarios:

 

Do you think moving in with prospect spouse for 2- 3 years without getting legal/morally committed in marriage a viable solution in this case?

 

Things to think of:

-          Cultural values, Society.

-          Would parents in this age agree?

-          Recognition of such a relation among friends and families of friends.

-          Do we care about society when it's the question of one's life?

-          Etc.. etc..

 

PS – Am factoring out the S* factor here to maintain decorum of this section.  
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Posted: 12 years ago
I have so much to say, yet I will hold on to my thoughts till other guns start firing..   LOL All I will say for now is that I support moving in before marriage and understand that it is not acceptable for most, including my own folks. LOL

we have debated over a similar topic- live in relationship vs marriage. Over here, you are asking about a live-in prior to marriage with the hope of marrying the same person. Nice topic Big smile Edited by mermaid_QT - 12 years ago
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Posted: 12 years ago
In principle it sounds like a good idea - similar to the probation period in a job. In reality, it could work, but minus certain factors you have mentioned. Let's put society aside for a minute (personally, I haven't cared much about what "others" will say). However, I don't see the vast majority of parents even letting their children complete the sentence, let alone put it into action. If someone is ok with the idea of "rebelling" - go ahead! As for friends, I couldn't care less what kind of a relationship my friend is in, and nor would my friends. I cannot speak on behalf of others, and for some that might be restrictive factor. Finally, there are religious and cultural limitations. However, even if these didn't exist, I wouldn't go for it. There are the usual factors including religion and parents, but more important than that is the idea of being in a relationship where there is no commitment (there is assumption, not certitude). I feel that when people are in such a relationship, there isn't that extra effort to make things work. It's like - "Yikes! He snores. I can't marry him." Or, "Omygawd, she takes 15 minutes to dry her hair. I cant't live with her." I know these are facetious reasons, but I mentioned them because they were touched upon in the original post. As for the more serious ones, like addiction - well, I'll take my chances. I'd rather give up on a bad marriage than worry about a marriage eventually happening (or not). Although, I must add that my husband and I had the good fortune of knowing each other and working with each other for 4 years before we got married. Also, marriage was not on the cards when we started off because we started off simply as work colleagues. I guess that allowed us to be who we were, rather than put an act trying to impress each other. The decision to get married was based on what we liked about each other, not on what we disliked about each other (and believe me there was plenty of that, too!). I don't know if living with each other would allow us to know someone completely, and living with someone for a period of two three years doesn't mean that the said person will remain the way he or she was in those 2-3 years. We all change - for better or worse! Where is the guarantee that "bad habits" might not be acquired after one has been married?
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Posted: 12 years ago
I am in support of living together arrangement between two people who have had long term and monogamous
relationship and there is an intention of getting engaged and married in near future. Probably this is not acceptable by some and supported by some.

Living together is one way to really find out about each other's little or big idiosyncrasies Embarrassed . Gives one insight on what and how it will be once they are married. If they are committed in making this relationship work and make a go of it than they will work together at it Big smile . IMHO.    Edited by Dabulls23 - 12 years ago
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Posted: 12 years ago

Originally posted by mermaid_QT


I have so much to say, yet I will hold on to my thoughts till other guns start firing..   LOL All I will say for now is that I support moving in before marriage and understand that it is not acceptable for most, including my own folks. LOL

we have debated over a similar topic- live in relationship vs marriage. Over here, you are asking about a live-in prior to marriage with the hope of marrying the same person. Nice topic Big smile

Guns start firing you mean just opinion sharing, Right! For one sec I got scared LOL 

LOL even though my folks for once will agree, but chachi/mami/masiLOL just kiddin .. have different views, will be sharing in bits as and when after hearing some viewsSmile 

oh I will search that topic then, yes you are right intent of this post different. Thanks!.

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Posted: 12 years ago
Originally posted by raj5000


Do you think moving in with prospect spouse for 2- 3 years without getting legal/morally committed in marriage a viable solution in this case?

 

What if the person concerned is not so lucky and doesn't find his/ her first few partners suitable for marriage. That person can end up having 10-15 yrs of living in relation with numerous different partners. And then even if he/she finds the right person, will the other person be interested in marrying them.

 

I feel dating/ courting for sometime is perfectly okay to form a judgement about the person you're dating and whether you want to marry him/her or not.

Edited by souro - 12 years ago
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Posted: 12 years ago
Originally posted by raj5000


 

Marriage is considered as the last official tag in a relationship after which man and woman are legally inseparable until unless they really want to break the ties.

 

Typical marriage are results of the following - Introductions, knowing each other better, dating for a while, making a judgment that this is it, proposal , mutual agreement on spending life together and finally THE Marriage. In some cases, now the fun begins when both spouse share 24 hours together under the roof, at this point many unknown things about each other are revealed, some good or some bad. Out of the bad ones few can be sacrificed or compromised for but during this period if something comes up which cannot be compromised say from simple loud snoring to extreme case as drug addiction. This can simply happen since the spouses didn't spend enough time with each other to know 100% of the person they are falling for or simply whole relationship is based on lies. Final outcome - Whole life seems ruined for either or partner give way to D, cheating, frustration, abuse etc etc.

 

Based on the above scenarios:

 

Do you think moving in with prospect spouse for 2- 3 years without getting legal/morally committed in marriage a viable solution in this case?

 


I completely agree with what I made bold.  Those are the reasons why one should know what the person is and learn to know who wakes up and goes to bed on your side and everything he / she does in between. 
On a date, my husband still puts his best behaviour.  It is only when I  clean the dishes, do laundry and sometimes by mistake add extra salt that Mr QT is not the sweety pie I married, right? LOL   
It must be the same with me.  On dates, dishes have never flown in restaurants and no bad word had left qt's mouth.  At home, I have lost count of the latter and done the former twice. 
To another guy, these could be big things unacceptable from his wife.  For Mr QT, it hurts his perfect wife image, yet life is still putting-up-with- qt-worthy.  LOLLOL

I think one must spend days and nights together and get to know aspects of behaviour that are personal, and hard to imagine from a person dressed nicely wearing a perfume and holding flowers for you and pouring you an expensive wine he ordered.. LOL

Now  coming to Soumya's valid comment about 2-3 years with 20 people is not a way to go.  Where does one draw the line of KNOWING someone??  What is the sufficient time span?  I think all these things are relative and dependent on individuals.  I still think that spending atleast a couple of months under the same roof gets you ready for some things that could unsweetly surprise you later.. Embarrassed..

Marriage requires plenty of work and plenty of changes occur in both partners as time passes and resonsibilities change.  Who basically KNOWS the partner fully anyway?? LOLLOL  But there are things one should know and that realization comes only by STAYING.   Who snores loudly in a restaurant?  Who is lazy to shave on a date?  Who changes channel back to ESPN when on date?  LOLLOL  Which girl is lazy to wear contacts, lazy to take shower, and admits that crying is fun sometime?? 
If such things come as unbearable surprise, and one gets introduced to them after marriage,  then one could be off to a bad start / compromise.. 

I think a few months are good enough to know disgusting / sweet mannerisms.  I support moving in for that. 

Things to think of:

-          Cultural values, Society.

Yes, good point!  some ppl are sweet only on dates, yet how they are with their other friends on a day to day basis can shed light on their real selves .

-          Would parents in this age agree?

mine are very modern and liberal, no complaints, still they would hate to know my sweet thoughts on this subject LOL Wink 

-          Recognition of such a relation among friends and families of friends.

Are we talking about family and friends who will help you if you are in trouble?  or just the nosy ones making every decision of your life their business Dead

-          Do we care about society when it's the question of one's life?

i didn't care a bit.  ofcourse i was a financially secure and independent individual, respeonsible for my own actions and consequences thereof.  if one is the above, one need not care. 

-          Etc.. etc..

 

PS – Am factoring out the S* factor here to maintain decorum of this section. 

good idea Anshu Clap
My thoughts on that - One should not even think of IT unless they are all the above and have a great support system in case of chaotic events  that could occur in life if the relationship did not work after. S can make break ups very complicated. 

Edited by mermaid_QT - 12 years ago
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Posted: 12 years ago

Originally posted by serialbuff


In principle it sounds like a good idea - similar to the probation period in a job. In reality, it could work, but minus certain factors you have mentioned. Let's put society aside for a minute (personally, I haven't cared much about what "others" will say). However, I don't see the vast majority of parents even letting their children complete the sentence, let alone put it into action. If someone is ok with the idea of "rebelling" - go ahead! As for friends, I couldn't care less what kind of a relationship my friend is in, and nor would my friends. I cannot speak on behalf of others, and for some that might be restrictive factor. Finally, there are religious and cultural limitations. However, even if these didn't exist, I wouldn't go for it. There are the usual factors including religion and parents, but more important than that is the idea of being in a relationship where there is no commitment (there is assumption, not certitude). I feel that when people are in such a relationship, there isn't that extra effort to make things work. It's like - "Yikes! He snores. I can't marry him." Or, "Omygawd, she takes 15 minutes to dry her hair. I cant't live with her." I know these are facetious reasons, but I mentioned them because they were touched upon in the original post. As for the more serious ones, like addiction - well, I'll take my chances. I'd rather give up on a bad marriage than worry about a marriage eventually happening (or not). Although, I must add that my husband and I had the good fortune of knowing each other and working with each other for 4 years before we got married. Also, marriage was not on the cards when we started off because we started off simply as work colleagues. I guess that allowed us to be who we were, rather than put an act trying to impress each other. The decision to get married was based on what we liked about each other, not on what we disliked about each other (and believe me there was plenty of that, too!). I don't know if living with each other would allow us to know someone completely, and living with someone for a period of two three years doesn't mean that the said person will remain the way he or she was in those 2-3 years. We all change - for better or worse! Where is the guarantee that "bad habits" might not be acquired after one has been married?

Very nice response Serialbuff - appreciate it. Thanks for sharing ur personal thoughtsSmile To most of your views, I am with yaa in terms I totally understand. whole point of view, Bold part is where reflects my views.

Am soo happy for you guys and all loving wishes for great time together for ever, heart felt Smile 

 

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