Author's note: For those who are new, Rihaan is the character I introduced for Abhira in one of my previous OS, titled "Acha Aadmi". This particular OS is more about the after effects of the emotional abuse that the Poddars have been subjecting Abhira to, and has less of a romantic angle and more of the 'allowing yourself to heal and have a second chance at life' perspective. I am new here so feel free to tag your friends who might be interested to read.
By the tranquil lake's edge, where whispers of waves usually weave peace in the soul's hidden caves, Abhira stood staring at the lavender and orange hues of the sky blending into one another, as anxiety gripped her like a hurricane's tragic and graceful dance. Rihaan brought her here on days when she got overwhelmed after her therapy sessions, and gave her the company of his comforting silence. She often seeks solace in the noise of the rising and falling tides, a familiar lullaby but today even the nature's symphony couldn't quell the anguish rising within her. This was her sanctuary, yet today she could find no respite. It was times like these when Abhira wished she could fade away- anything to stop this ever-present pain.
She looked at Rihaan, at a distance with the balloon maker, probably convincing him to make a balloon bunny to cheer her up, and she felt a sudden pang of guilt. Rihaan... something about him was so liberating and so calming, it scared Abhira. He was in love with her, and maybe a part of her knew so was she, but then a significant part of her had embraced the emptiness that seemed to swallow her whole entire existence. She had embraced the hollowness that she was left with after she left the Poddar mansion. But accepting these hollows must make her more human, then must being human imply sadness? For her, maybe, sadness and grief was all that tied her to mortality.
It scared her, that the universe has a habit of destroying the things she treasures, and she thinks, if she is not careful, she could come to treasure him. Love always leaves you...it as inevitable as the sun setting at the end of the day and the glue on the posted notes- fading away. And you are always left alone- like a broken poetry, shattered to the core. Abhira has been left alone twice, she would manage, but Rihaan was a gentle breeze, a beautiful flower in the swamp, would she have it in her to trample his heart? What if she inevitably does, because when was she capable of having a home that would last?
Rihaan walked towards Abhira, hoping to cheer her up with his poor attempt at helping the balloon seller in making a bunny. He smiled as if there was no peak of his surprise from behind his back, unaware how the balloon was visible right above his head. But as he closed the distance between them, each step felt as if he was entering into the vicinity of her palpable grief. He has seen her upset before, even seen her cry a few times but something felt excruciatingly heavy today, as if there was a creature spitting and writhing within her, craving it's escape, a pain that has never found it's way out of her soul. Her eyes were distant, as if there was just a void behind them. He carefully walked towards her and gently cupped her face. "Hey, look at me Abhira. Tell me, what happened?" But she refused to speak. Her hand grasped Rihaan's shirt, close to his heart.
He softly held her hand, and spoke, "Talk to me Abira. Did I do something?" That made Abhira look at Rihaan, her breath hitched at the raw display of sorrow on his face...her sorrow, a sorrow that he didn't deserve to feel and suddenly the ache in her heart felt too much too bare, as if her ribs were cages forcibly holding her grief in place.
Her chest burns, breaths shallow and labored as the world seems to dissolve, the past mixing with the present, taunting her with a blank and empty future, and she can't determine if she's ten playing hide seek with her Mummaa, if she's embracing death with her Mumma, if she's crying herself to sleep in Armaan's room, if she's back at the Poddar house listening to their taunts and insults, or if she's at the lakeside on a freezing day with a beautiful man looking at her as if her eyes hold all the stars from the empty night sky.
He didn't deserve to drown in this abyss. Before she knew, her knees gave away and lost consciousness, and sagged against Rihaan, unable to tolerate more of this sheer ache and agony.
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As Rihaan sat on the bed, in room holding her close, his mind ran through all the possibilities that could have caused her this amount of distress. Despite her state she had clutched his shirt in a vice grip and that scared him. It was a habit she had developed over time, clutching his shirt when she was nervous or scared. Initially he would find it cute but when he gradually understood her need to find herself an anchor but at the same time her reluctance to make a demand, broke his heart.
He looked at her, wrapped in a warm blanket, supporting her head with his hand. The doctor told it was probably dehydration and stress and that she would be fine. But Rihaan knew Abhira, he knew something would have genuinely plagued her for her to lose her senses like this.
He finally sighed in relief when he saw her slightly open her eyes, after being so still for the last two hours.
Abhira's sense function like a kaleidoscope, shifting and rotating so that each combination of stimuli produces bursts of distorted experience that masks what exactly is happening or where she is. She closes her eyes tighter, time slipping through her grasp, her fingers grabbing at the strands of her life, instead scrunching into the fabric of whomever is holding her-- maybe it’s her Mumma, guiding her to wherever she’s been; maybe it’s Armaan saving her from falling with Yuvraaj's carcass; maybe it’s Vidya or Kaveri holding her only to throw her away; maybe it could even be her Rohaan, comforting her after a night terror.
"Abhira?” A voice reaches out to her, calm though fraying at the edges. “Abhira." Lavender fills her nose and a sweltering heat cocoons her. He rested his forehead on hers, "You scared me there you know."
"Rihaan...I..", Abhira tried to speak, her voice barely a whisper.
He could feel her body slightly shake with an attempt to move "Hey, it's okay. Let's try muscle relaxation okay? You will be alright", Rihaan spoke softly, realising her body probably felt stiff due to after the heavy anxiety attack she had.
Rihaan placed a soft chaste kiss on her head and began to speak, "We will start with your hands.” And one by one he asks her to focus on her hands. "Focus on each hand individually, first squeeze your fingers into a fist, noting the tension," Abhira nestles into his chest, following his instructions, bending the fingers of her right hand into a shaking fist. "Good, now ease your fingers open until there is no tension left.”
Rihaan brushed his hand through her hair, rubbing his thumb in circles on the back of her hand, while directing her to relax her feet. Then he slowly asks her to take a deep breath, creating tension in her lungs, only this time it’s under her control, not with a sense of gasping but a sense of order, her breath releasing against his chest.
"Better?", he asked and she nodded softly in response. He gave her a few minutes to compose her thoughts and then asked, "Talk to me Abhira, tell me what happened. I am here, and I will listen, okay? You don't have to be scared about anything."
Abhira only snuggled further into his embrace, her hand still clutching his shirt. He rested his hand on her head and sighed when he felt her tears wetting his shirt.
"I...I am too damaged to give you the love you deserve Rihaan," she whispered.
"I...I don't know how to...I don't know what home feels like, and I don't know how to live in one. I have been alone for so long, this emptiness seemed to have swallow me. I...I constantly feel like I am drowing, and I can't...I can't take you down with me. I don't know what to do with this grief but I know that you don't deserve this, you... don't have to be with someone who lives in pieces", she sobbed.
A part of Rihaan was freaking out at the mere thought of her walking away from him but a significant part of him knew, she was scared, she had been so hurt by the people that she had once loved, she had been emotionally abused and thrown around like a ragged doll, of course she would have a hard time believing in the concept of family and home again.
"That can't be it Abhira, it can't be. This grief that you feel, is all the love in your heart that has no place to go, because what is grief, if not love persevering?" Rihan spoke dropping feathery kisses on her head.
"This grief...this isn't your home. Your home, will be a place where you will laugh, where you will love and be loved. Your home is your heart, that has so much kindness despite all the cruelty that it has been subjected to. People are like river, ever changing, they can not be homes. Your home...is your bravery and your innocence. You know...in Japan there's an art of Kintsugi where broken ceramics are put together again. Their cracks are filled with gold cement, to remind you, to remind me...that broken can be beautiful again."
This... Rihaan's attempt at making her feel whole again, at reminding her of a beauty she has never felt, made her heart ache. And she remembered Kajal's curse and she remembered Kaveri's taunts.
"Tumhe kya pata family kya hoti hai, kyunki tumhari paas kabhi family thi hi nahi."
"Tumhe kabhi pyaar nahi milege."
"What is home then Rihaan? What is love? Some times I don't feel like I even belong in my own body. I...I don't know how to belong anywhere, if not with my Mumma."
This innocence...this poignant painful innocence still tore at his heart. When the people you call family, feel like paper chains in the rain and the sky holds nothing but a promise of more storms, life feels lonely. And Abhira never really had any real relation to hold on to after her mother passed away.
Rihaan rested his forehead on hers and spoke, "the idea that there's enough DNA in our body, that if it were laid out end to end, it would stretch out seven times between the Sun and Pluto, and you still treat yourself as if you are too small. The universe has loved us enough to paint a perfect picture of itself in each of our cell. I don't know how you don't see yourself as a walking miracle, when every single heartbeat is a chorus from the stars that made us. You Abhira...are a miracle. You have prayed for strength to outlive the pain for so long, you have forgotten how strong you are. And it's okay to need that reminder. You...have loved people with all your heart and it's not your fault that their hearts weren't warm enough to value it. They have hurt you...so much, but you have survived it all. This strength...is home. You have been made to feel so small, by people who have wanted to break your dreams...but here you are, standing on your own two feet and you...you look at me as if my dreams matter too, as if I could really paint the world in my own language of art...that belief, is home. You look at the stars every night, and there's always one shining the brightest and you know that's you Mumma...the whole sky Abhira, is your home. I love you... and this love that embraces you, is home."
His words broke something in her, at same time healing a wound that has been left open for too long now. Words failed her, and she sobbed uncontrollably, her tears...relentless, unyielding. And she let him look at the tapestry of her scars, of how it felt like to lose a mother for a second time when Vidya disowned her, and the way her heart bled after all the insults they threw at her and her dead mother, and lastly the death of any hopes she had to have a family and a home with Armaan, the man she once loved.
And Rihaan listened, his own heart aching with her grief, his tears mixing with hers. He softly held the pendent she was wearing between his fingers, the pendent he gifted her.
"Do you know what painting is this Abhira?", he asked. "Van Gogh painted these twelve sunflowers as a symbol of gratitude. Sunflowers reminded him of happy faces in his own darkness. If I could I would build you a home in the field of sunflowers and ensure your life is only filled with light. But your own light Abhira...is so bright. You make me happier, than I ever thought I could be. A part of you knows that you have fallen for me too, and I know you are scared, but that's okay, take all the time you need, just never...let anything dim your light."
And after so long, Abhira let herself feel, she did not stop her heart from taking a leap. She couldn't fathom the courage to say the words just yet but she looked at him, hoping her eyes would convey what her heart has accepted. And Rihaan did...he saw it in her eyes and he would wait patiently, because it was worth it, being loved by her was worth all the patience in the world.
"I have written something, do you wanna hear?"
Abhira nodded in response, nestling her head against his chest. Their tears, still silently falling down their eyes.
"Ek ladki kahaniyon waali,
Uski hasi asmaani gulalo waali,
Maano indradhanush se rang chraye ho,
Badalon se patang banane wali,
Ek ladki hazaron kahaniyon wali.
Aankhon mein uski jaise taaron ne Ghar Kiya ho,
Chaand ki sair karne waali,
Suraj ki pehli kirano si,
Ek ladki khoobsurat kahaniyon wali.
Aasmaan se unche sapne dekhne waali,
Leheron se baatein karne wali,
Hawaon se ladne wali,
Ek ladki, bas apni kahaniyon wali.
Pyaar ke dhaagon se toote diloon ko bandhne wali,
Umeed ko apni dhaal banane wali,
Dard ki mitti se pyaar ka ghar banane wali,
Ek ladki, meri kahaniyon waali."
Rihaan looked at Abhira, who had fallen asleep on his chest. He kissed her forehead and closed his eyes, hoping that someday... just someday she wouldn't fall asleep with tear in her eyes.
Rihaan's mother looked at them with glistening eyes. She didn't mean to eavesdrop but she was keen to check up on Abhira and she heard everything about the Poddars. How cruel one has to be to damage an orphan child to such an extent. She slightly caressed a sleeping Abhira's hair, she knew she would have to take extra efforts to make Abhira feel like she was a part of the family, and she would because these were her children and she would take care of both of them, irrespective of what the future holds. She prayed for Rihaan's heart but she always prayed for Abhira's. She kissed Rihaan's forehead.
"Mumma...I...I can't leave her alone today, would you mind if she stays here, please?"
"What's there to mind, this is her home too. You take good care of her, okay? I am right here, if you need anything."
Rihaan smiled at his mother.
"Rihaan...you love her a lot, don't you?", his mother asked him softly.
"Words would fail to explain."
His mother smiled at him. "Well I see why, she is such a goofball, but she hides her pain well on most days and I am glad that you are there for her Rihaan. Now sleep, and please lay down in a better posture, she will not slip away from your grasp. And I don't want to deal with your tantrums in the morning. Okay?"
She walked out of the room, switching on the dim yellow light, carrying a prayer in heart for her children to find their happiness.
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Note: Initially I had planned to make it an Armaan x Abhira OS but I was too emotionally attached to the concept to include a character that I no more feel connected to. Rihaan on the other hand, is a piece of my heart, a character that I have threaded from scratch. I am not necessarily anti Armaan all the time but the current track has made me detach as a viewer. And this is a story I have poured my heart into. And that is how it became an Abhira x Rihaan OS.
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