deven7 thumbnail
Posted: 3 months ago
#1

I'm from Maharashtra. I'm looking for some advice on an intercaste matrimony situation. I’m seeing girls for matrimony purposes and I’m already facing challenges in finding compatible girls. I recently saw a profile of a girl on a matrimony site that impressed me. We seem compatible based on qualifications, expectations, location, and even looks.  We haven’t met the girl or her family yet, only a small phone discussion happened with her dad. However, there's one hurdle: her caste, which is lower than that of ours.

I'm from a Maratha family, and she's from a Dhangar caste. Though my parents do not discriminate by caste, they are concerned about societal pressure and potential negativity from relatives if we pursue this match. Though I don't believe in the caste system, I understand their worries.

They said they would be more accepting if it were a love marriage because apparently, a love story at least somewhat justifies the inter-caste aspect to extended family and relatives. But in this arranged marriage scenario, they fear relatives might taunt us, saying we couldn't find someone from our caste.

Now, I'm unsure how much backlash we'd face. Would it be a major blow-up or something more subtle that fades with time? Whether it will be so extreme and long-lasting such that even our future children have to face mocking and discrimination, especially at the native place. According to Mom, how can we navigate the situations if most of the extended family members engage in negative behaviour? How many mouths we can shut? These extended family and relatives people cannot be avoided, especially in the native place. I understand that we should not care about what people say, but at the same time we do live in a society, and society's views have a major impact on our lives.

Some suggestions I got on an online forum stated to pretend it was a love marriage to relatives/ extended family to justify the intercaste aspect. But it seems to me like basing the relationship on a lie. When relatives later confront her about this, she might not like it as it would be clear that this is being done to hide her caste. But then a person suggested to take the girl in confidence well beforehand.

Any suggestions, or perspectives on navigating this situation or experiences in similar situations will greatly help

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Chemcart_MJ thumbnail
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Posted: 3 months ago
#2


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deven7 thumbnail
Posted: 3 months ago
#3

Thanks for the response.

Yes, you rightly said and I do agree that society can't and should not dictate our lives. But sadly it has dictated in the past when strong customs like untouchability, social boycotts, violation of human rights, etc. prevailed for lower casts.

I'm concerned about whether we will have to face a social boycott, or prolonged backlash through extended family if we go ahead. But that's the worst that can happen.

Maybe, I need to give it some more thought and then I'll consider meeting her to find out about compatibility and whether there are any cultural differences.

Edited by deven7 - 3 months ago
Chemcart_MJ thumbnail
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Posted: 3 months ago
#4

Originally posted by: deven7

Thanks for the response.

Yes, you rightly said and I do agree that society can't and should not dictate our lives. But sadly it has dictated in the past when strong customs like untouchability, social boycotts, violation of human rights, etc. prevailed for lower casts.

I'm concerned about whether we will have to face a social boycott, or prolonged backlash through extended family if we go ahead. But that's the worst that can happen.

Maybe, I need to give it some more thought and then I'll consider meeting her to find out about compatibility and whether there are any cultural differences.

So, to be frank, I've seen extended families bicker over rejecting the boy/girl or better way to mention, do pass comments (really common behavior in Marwari communities unfortunately barring few here & there) but marriages do occur. 

Again, I can't comment on your location to be more specific but I think you know what's best for you ultimately and same goes for the prospective girl that you are interested in talking to. 

If it were me, I don't mind at least having a conversation with the prospect and her family to discuss the matter. I mean, if the girl and her family aren't opposing to at least initiate the conversation and discuss over compatibility then I wouldn't mind taking the risk at least. I mean, what's there to lose? At least you tried. 

This whole societal fear is created by us humans and it is instilled in us. I feel you are worrying about  "boycott" which hasn't even been sparked yet and this is your thought process without even having talked with the girl and the family yet. 

I would say think twice before making a decision. You know what's wrong and right for you. 

Compatibility is far more important than caste because if you guys are mutually accepting of one another after dating for some time and talking it out, then what's there to lose? Unless the girl and her family prioritize marrying within biradari and they told you this verbally, then oh well, that's their loss. You tried and you saw the outcome yourself.

Again, your decision if you really want to talk to her or not. All you can get here is free advise. The ball's in your court. 

Edited by Chemcart_MJ - 3 months ago
Sutapasima thumbnail

Love & Friendship

Posted: 5 days ago
#5

I love this frank conversation , very very informative  smiley42smiley27