It has been a few days since she and Abhimanyu returned from their honeymoon to the Birla Villa, and Akshara would say she's been settling in well. She found an army of supporters in her loving husband, Manjari Maa, Neil, and other cousins. Even Harsh, Papa as she now calls him, stood by her side against Mahima Taaji's taunts. But something was amiss. When Akshara visited the Goenka's, Swarna tried to put Akshara's concerns to rest by insisting it was common for a new bride to have some issues adjusting to a new home. After all, a new bride endures so many expectations and pressures related to her new duties. For Akshara, she had to maintain her career, please her in-laws, and maintain peace in her maternal home. Akshara dwelled on Swarna's words on the ride home, trying to pick apart her new life and discern the disturbance.
Tai Ji's taunts were nothing out of the ordinary, nor was Papa's hesitance to accept Akshara as his daughter.
Aarohi!
For the last few days, Aarohi would start small conversations with Akshara over text, saying "hi," "can we talk," and "are you free." When Akshara would reply, Aarohi would seemingly forget what she wanted to say. Aarohi's behaviour was puzzling. Aarohi seldom initiated contact unless Akshara was in harms-way. Aarohi quit the Birla hospital so that Akshara couldn't see her that way. When she visited Swarna, Aarohi faked sleep in her room. Aarohi wasn't ignoring her this time; she was hiding. But why? And why did Aarohi's silence hurt Akshara more than her shrills and taunts?
Life is a roller-coaster, never standing still for long periods. And while her relationship with her sister was the same, Akshara's worry for Aarohi would always be a constant in her life. In jest, Abhimanyu calls it her 'Aaru jaap,' but she hears the disdain underlying his tone. Abhimanyu is not afraid to make it clear to her that her love for Aarohi is like cigarettes: injurious, consuming, and fatal if prolonged. If it were just her own life on the line, it wouldn't make much of a difference, but now there's more at stake. At times she's overwhelmed with the guilt that she'll be taking him down with her. She knows his longing for her undivided attention, even if it's just for an hour a day. She's getting better at balancing her relationships. She is. But some days are better than others and today is not that day.
"Aaru! Aaru!" The words barely came out coherently as Akshara struggled to breathe. Sometime after midnight, she woke up screaming her sister's name. Even in her hyperventilating state, she wouldn't stop calling for Aarohi. Abhimanyu tried to pass her a glass of water, but her hands were so shaky the glass fell out of her grip and shattered.
"Akshu, Akshu meri jaan, calm down," Abhimanyu said, rubbing circles around her lower back. Abhimanyu got accustomed to Akshara's nightmares; his wife often woke up shaking and crying. Each morning when she'd her side of the bed, drenched in sweat, she'd hole herself up in Abhimanyu's arms. He'd whisper reassurances, telling her there was nothing to be apologetic for.
Today was different. Usually, she'd cry out Sirat's name or worry that something happened to him - their confession, although a day that set their future in motion, left a sour taste on her tongue as she always worried he'd harm himself.
"Akshu, sing for me. Come on, just sing anything." He hummed to get her started. It was the same song every time.
Gaaye jaa,
Gaaye jaa
Gham mein hai sargam
Gunguna ye dhun,
Gaaye jaa
"Come on, Akshu, keep going," he urged her to go on as the singing helped her breathe normally.
Gaaye jaa,
Gaaye jaa,
Raat ke dhaagon se savera bun
Gaaye jaa,
It took a while, but they got there. Her tremours were barely noticeable, and the quiver in her voice was gone. They rested their foreheads together. Abhimanyu let out a sigh of relief while Akshara tried to recognize her surroundings.
"Akshu, it was just a bad dream," he said.
She shook her head furiously. "I know what a dream is, Abhi and that," he placed a hand on his shoulder to steady her as her blood began to coil again, "that was not it."
Despite his protests, Akshara grabbed her phone and woke her brother, demanding he check on Aarohi. With her back facing Kairav's direction, he found her sound asleep.
"Akshu-" Kairav tried to placate his baby sister, but she did not heed.
"Bhaiya, please touch her forehead and check her temperature. She could be having a fever or have fainted," Akshara rambled on.
"Akshu beta bus. I'm not disturbing her sleep. Mere maano toh tum bhi soja."
Akshara wouldn't have given up so quickly if it were not for her husband's annoyed and restless face. She wasn't going to sleep peacefully tonight, but that didn't mean he shouldn't have some decent sleep.
Aarohi waited for Kairav's footsteps to become muted. Once she was confident he was away from her room, she got out of bed and rushed to her cupboard. It was a terrible night. She was so restless and shakey that she couldn't even study, let alone sleep. Aarohi thrashed about until she found her sleeping pills. No one knew about her pills or that her insomnia got worse after Akshara's wedding. They hadn't even sensed something was off because they were all too busy being mad at her. She wasn't complaining; she knew her actions merited their loathing. She knew it could be much worse - she could rot in the cells or have her license cancelled. But that didn't mean this didn't hurt. Akshara wasn't even here, but she noticed. How did she feel Aarohi's anxiety from miles away? How?
Apna hi apna kyun kehlaaya hai
Kaise koi tay karta hai kaun paraaya hai
Ek wohi rishta teri kamaai hai
Dard ke pal mein jisne tera saath nibhaya hai
As they got ready for work the following day, Abhimanyu asked Akshara, "why that song?"
"Huh?" Akshara was lost in her own world, unable to shake off the uneasy feeling from last night.
"Why not Piya Tose or Oo Kanha? Humse raat ko panic attack ke duran tum Gaaye jaa kyun chunti hoon?"
"Woh uh-" her voice quivered.
"You don't have to tell me," he quickly added after seeing her startled state.
"No, no, I want to."
He took her hand, sat her down on the bed, and knelt before her. He let her take her time. He noticed every tilt of her lips and the hair strand she put back as she tried to find the right words.
"After their death, we could sleep anymore." For the first time, Abhimanyu didn't contemn at the 'we' for Aarohi. "When we were kids, I smothered my screams and cries, but Aarohi never stopped. Bade Mumma held Aarohi as she wailed through the night. Kairav Bhaiya would drag me away from the door so that I couldn't hear her. He said it wasn't good for me to take on her pain. So, I tried to drown out her voice with this song. I sang and sang until I couldn't hear her anymore."
"Did it work?"
"Not at all," she snickered. "Her cries still echoed in the chambers of my heart. And-"
"They still do," he completed.
I wrote this one-shot because I saw a quote ("at one time in her childhood there was a scream of sorrow that never came out" ~ Liv Ullmann, from Changing), and I loved it. I saw how I could adapt it to fit Akshara and slightly Aarohi because it's very hard for me to see a world of Akshara's not linked to Aarohi, Sirat, and Naira. Similarly, it's hard for me to write for Kairav without thinking of his sisters, Manish and Kaira. Whatever Akshara and Kairav are, they are in spite of these people and their circumstances (orphanage, trauma, etc.).
Akshara is someone haunted by Sirat's death and Aarohi's subsequent gaslighting, so I thought this would one interpretation of how it still affects her. I also really wanted her to share her story with Abhimanyu rather than a third-party (Kairav) reveal it.
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