PROLOGUE: THE PAST THAT I GO ON HIDING
Assam, India,
2012, Neon X School:
"Yo Hathi (Elephant in various Indian languages)"
I heard Meer's voice and turn behind. Yes I, Miss Aanya Goswami am the only one in this class who is called by such names. It's not that it doesn't disgusts me but if I voice it out I will be the 'Over Sensitive Person' here. Yet I couldn't hold my anger in and blurted, "Whom are you calling Hathi?"
"Obviously you... Haha... Who is the lovely Hathi or Piggy here?"
I could see his smile as if some comedy movie is on display.
"Anything you want?"
"Ow... Yes Ma'am asked you to take those bunch of copies to her desk"
"What are you guys talking about?" I heard one more familiar voice and an automatic blush came to my face.
It's the voice of the guy I like...
"Ow Nayan just telling her ma'am told her to take the copies there"
"If you are done let's go", said Nayan to Meer.
"Yes"
"Bye Aanya" said Nayan and Meer left without a word.
He was the only one in the whole class who didn't call me by names. And little did I knew I got attracted towards him for his kindness and ended up doing a big mistake.
That very day my friend noticed my blushes whenever he used to stand near me and my friend couldn't fathom her curiosity and directly asked me about it. I thought she was a good friend and I shared that I like him. After a few days a rumor of me liking Nayan started floating around. The rumor started with a hush but soon it went overboard like a elephant trying to woo the handsome lad of the class.
And hearing this the most beautiful girl, Nikita of our class out of nowhere approached Nayan because she used to kind of despise me for some reason. It's funny how she never told me the reason directly on my face. Yet I could say that, she don't like me because once when I tried to talk with her she said she hates me.
Even Nayan came to know from the so called silent rumors and came directly to ask me. As I said the truth he got numb and expressionless making me regret of saying the truth. And then his answer came as a slap to my existence,
"Look Aanya I am good guy since I sympathized with you I never called you with names but how you ever thought a guy like me could like you. Also I am already in relationship with Nikita, I am sorry for you but I hope you will stay a little far from me"
I could not process, he and Nikita together? From when?
"From when are you guys together?" I asked with a soft voice.
To be honest my voice was never this soft but now I could not hear my own voice. It was inaudible.
"Today is our third day. So stay away from me"
And I saw his silhouette disappear in the school corridor as I stood there like a fool. I even forgot the purpose why I came out from the class, I was there to refill my water bottle but I returned with the empty bottle and went straight to my own seat. For that whole period I couldn't hear a single word from the teacher and what the other classmates said to me. But after the period got over Nikita went over to Nayan and then she just smiled every time she saw me.
And that's how I faced the first rejection at the age of fourteen.
I was in that school for next two years till tenth standard. When I was in ninth I tried my best to make Nayan aware that Nikita didn't confess coz she loved him but because of me as she did not like me.
But to my unfortunate luck I was termed as the bad lady trying to ruin their relationship and one day Nayan insulted me saying all I did because I am selfish and a ugly existence.
I could see Nikita's triumph smile every time she crossed my paths and the last year in that school I avoided them swearing I will never cross their paths.
But counting all my years in that school I was never called with my proper name. And that was the start of my complex of being fat.
2014, St. Daffodil High School:
The two years of my High School had many useless efforts to get over my insecurity and also had a beautiful teenage love. I basically grew up reading Japanese Shoujo Mangas(Japanese Romantic Comics) where they focus on high school love stories. So as I was hyper for my new life I thought this time I may have a mutual love, I did not want to lose hope in love for the bad past experience.
But alas it did not go how I hoped. The first guy, whom I felt close as a being, got aware of my feelings towards him and he proposed another girl immediately. Maybe he liked her from before but acted when he came to know I like him and I immediately saw him distancing himself from me. These all happened in the first six months of eleventh standard and when I thought there's no hope of love for me our teacher made seat plans for us. And according to the seat plans I got to seat with a Manipuri guy who was an introvert like me but we got close as friends immediately and before I would keep my oath of never falling for anyone, I made again the mistake of liking him and ended up ruining our friendship. So after the whole year of eleventh standard I was left with my wounded pride and unresolved wishes. That guy avoided me so well that I felt like as if I am some dirt who is an unwanted existence.
And with lots of mental breakages I started my last year of high school. This time everyone was kind of tired of me, my Class Teacher complained that I just exist in the class as an invisible existence.
My parents were really taken aback this time, I got worse in my studies too though I never indulged myself with people or problems. I just used to sit alone in my bench and stare outside, that's how my life had become after every rejection I faced.
So, my mom asked the teacher to put me in competitions and he somehow took the suggestion. And after that my last year of high school became busy, I went to debates, essay competitions, singing, reciting, etc... all types of competitions were there and I used to be in ranks in all the competitions which boosted me. My friendship with my classmates improved a lot and I became quite important for the class. But I was still somehow mocked for my figure, they used to pair me with the fattest guy of the class just because I was fat too and joke about it when we were not even friends. They used to call me Truck for my size, though I was happy that they recognized my talents and made me a friend but the mocking for my appearance never left the scenario in the first place.
I used to hear from a guy who was apparently my classmate that my face is funny, every time he sees my face he just could not stop laughing. I was open to talks now so I used to not reciprocate my wounded heart rather I told them to not call me that way in an angry and offended way. But they always considered my wishes as some not so important urges and kept on repeating the mocking almost everyday.
When I got popular the teenage me thought people will love me now and like every other girl of the class I will have a boy friend too, and I waited for someone to like me for being myself. But at the end of the year, out of nowhere the guy who was close to me as a friend insulted me asking in outrage that how I, an ugly person could even dare to think that I could be his girl friend when I didn't even wanted to. And everything he did was on a basis of a rumor which was floating that I like him. I laughed at my naïve thoughts that at the end I am living a normal life. But it was never normal like others, it was still the same. I was still not a likable person with the lens of romance.
I was alone not because of my personality but for my appearance. Every guy thought I want them romantically whenever I smiled at them out of politeness and they got cautious and tried to avoid me in the fear that I will cling on them. My hideous appearance was a curse and I need to carry it forever wherever I go, that's what I felt in the last five years of puberty. 'You need to look beautiful or average and have to be thin is almost a mandatory necessity to get a good love life.'
The two habits I picked up in eighteen years of life was; first, every guy who has a girl friend or show a disinterest on me or gets uncomfortable talking with me, I will call him brother before he thinks I am trying to cling onto him for no reason. This happened because once I tried to separate Nikita and Nayan and my classmates called me a bad witch. And the second is that there is no use to fall in love, get a crush and live a life showing how I feel because they will reject me for the hideous appearance so it's useless to carry on things in the heart. Speak whatever I want and express the feelings which will ruin everything so that I don't waste my time on it.
Who knew these two rules I picked up as habit will hurt me for the next four years as a nail hitting my heart at every step in my engineering college life but also will make me a role model for many people who wants to be confident and bold like me.
And that's how I made a guard wall around me and got my complex for my appearance after my life as middle schooler and high schooler got over.
2016, Girid Insitute of Technology:
It was the first day of College and it was also attraction at first sight. I spent too much time watching Korean dramas so my preference in boys changed from extreme masculine to little feminine. He was from my branch and I immediately took a liking to his introvert attitude and his cool headed lifestyle. He used to be the lone wolf so being one myself I got more attracted. Tried chatting to him and after 2 years when he said there was no reason for him to interact with me in college I understood my place. Though we were close virtually, he was important for me because I used to share my every instance of life but I was never important for him. When I understood it, once in the heat of the moment I told him I like him and once again history repeated; I was rejected. This time I was an adult and when I saw all the ladies I knew in my college dating I wanted to try it too. But after losing two years in the third year a new guy from my semester but from a different branch joined the College's bus and became the partner who used to keep the seat open for me. In two months we got close as friends. And in between I joined a competition where I met a guy from a different North-east state. His looks were to my liking and we talked and exchanged numbers. When he left the venue I went up to him personally and said goodbye to him and when he texted he bluntly replied, "Look Aanya I am not interested in you rather I like that specific girl." That made me a little sad so to throw all my wishes once again I wrote back, "Bro, what do you mean by interested? I just wanted to be friends with people from different states. Others were not friendly like you so I didn't show much interest in them."
Maybe he thought I was saying truth and till date he is saved in my contacts and whenever I text him I start the conversation with a 'Bro'.
Returning back to the bus guy after six months he got a girl from his branch who was quite famous for her beautiful looks to give him a lift to his home in her car. And eventually he stopped coming in the College's bus. I guess I really move with my heart in my sleeves. When I saw him in college I said 'hi' and then saw him dedicated to that girl with my own eyes. They used to always stick together whenever I saw them and only one week before sticking to him she was rumored to be a senior's girlfriend. I thought the girl was not much a good news so wanted to warn him but when I saw his social media accounts, I saw the pictures he posted of their dates and I eventually distanced myself and start running in the opposite direction whenever I saw him with her, or him alone. And eventually I deleted his number.
With that my four years of engineering ended only with assignments and no dates. Also though my luck with love was still bad I managed to earn some good friends this turn around. That was only the good thing happened because I became an ambivert and had a very easy going personality when I was active in college. And with this my college life came to an end and so the twenty two years of my life.
The twenty two years made me adventurous, I was open with new thoughts and processes and found myself to be quite craving for love in life. Regardless the fact I was no more into typical boyfriend to husband dreams. Since I was not a person who could be loved I got open to the thought of friends with benefits, but it's really hard to find such kind of relationships in India.
Who knew when I lost hope and thought that my life is one of the most miserable life in this globe it will turn more miserable yet thrilling and adventurous in future...
I will fall in love again, question myself being a proud ally, take the burden of loving and end up investing my time in exploring the new problems I found in me. The future I didn't anticipate will take me in a journey of love but it's a love which will remain in the closet with the fear of losing it anytime if it comes in light.
Who knew for that handsome man, I will end up being a lady who can love selflessly throwing her wish to be loved out of the window.
He is a man who has unparalleled beauty and can be a muse of any poet. The skin clearer than glass, the eyes brighter than sun, the lips putting cherry blossoms in shame with its color, the small nose to complete his beauty more than completing his five senses and his soft wavy hair flowing till his nape of his neck putting any lady's hair in shame. His thin build up with perfect muscles, everything about him would be magical. He was the epitome of handsomeness and my reason of taking the oath to love him till my death; also the reason of putting my love in the closet.
To be continued...
Edited by MiuniS - 2 years ago
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