•| The Darkness He Had Chosen For Himself
Ishqi ne jo kiya, mere liye kiya.
Jo suna mere liye suna.
Jo saha mere liye saha.
Meri shaadi bachane ke liye, wo khud barbad ho gayi lekin meri shadi nahi tootne di.
Meri family mujhse nafrat na kare isliye usne sirf apni nahi teen aur families ki nafrat choose kar li apne liye.
Sabne use kya kuch nahi kaha. Pata nahi kitne ilzam lagaye lekin usne... usne ek word nahi bola.
Kehne ko to wo ek second me keh sakti thi ke iss sab ki vajah main hu lekin mujhe badnami se bachane ke liye wo sabke saamne iss sab ki vajah ban gayi.
Apni ek galti na hone ke bavjood wo saza bhugatne ke liye taiyaar ho gayi.
Galtiyaan maine ki lekin ilzam usne sahe.
Cheeze maine bigadi lekin taane usne sune.
Chup main rahi aur barbad... wo ho gayi.
Jab khudko maaf nahi karsakti to tumse bhi maafi ki ummeed nahi rakhungi, Raj. Ishqi ne mujhse bohot baar kaha tumhe sab bata du. Agar tumhe nahi Ahaan Bhaiyaa ko bata du lekin kabhi himmat hi nahi hui.
Kya karu? Bachpan se itni protected rahi hu ke na to kabhi problems face karna seekha, no galtiyaan accept karna aur na hi ladna.
Duniya se to fir bhi ek baar lad leti. Apni family se kaise ladti, nahi janti thi.
Ahaan Bhaiyaa ke liye main hamesha se ek perfect ladki thi. Hamari Maa ki vajah se jo sharm Bhaiyaa ki aankhe ab tak jalati hai - unn aankhon me apne liye nafrat sehne ka khayal hi kafi tha mere chup rehne ke liye.
Bohot baar socha, bata du sach aur bacha lu lshqi ko uss nafrat se jisko wo kabhi deserve hi nahi karti thi but nahi kar payi.
But aaj nahi.
Aaj nahi chupa sakti aur tumse to bilkul bhi nahi. Tumhe pata hona chahiye tumhari shadi ek aisi selfish ladki se hui hai jisne apni family reputation protect karne ke liye kisi ki izzat ki dhaziya udte dekhi aur wo bhi uski jisne uska har uss waqt sath diya jab wo khudka sath dene ke liye taiyaar nahi thi.
Uss din jab use Police le gayi aur main tab bhi kuch nahi keh paayi, tab ehsas hua ke kya ban gayi hu main. Ya fir kyu aisi hu main.
Family ki nafrat sehne ki himmat to ab bhi nahi hai mujhme lekin Ishqi ko aur bardasht nahi karne de sakti main.
Kisiki aankhein milane ki himmat nahi hai mujhe me isiliye iss letter me sab kuch likh diya hai maine. Ise please Ahaan Bhaiyaa ko de dena aur unse kehna, unki Sonu unse bohot pyar karti hai lekin wo na pehle kabhi perfect thi. Na aaj hai aur shayad na hi kabhi ban payegi. Unse kehna unki Sonu ne bohot koshish ki ke uske Ahaan Bhaiyaa ka sar uske vajah se kabhi na jhuke lekin usse wo bhi nahi ho paya.
Please, Raj. Itna kar dena mere liye. Aur main tumse bhi bohot pyar karti hu lekin ab tumhare sath reh nahi paungi.
I am sorry. I love you.
The glass of strawberry milkshake that he had brought to surprise his sister along with his uninformed visit slipped off his hand, shattering it down to pieces on the ground. Mirroring his heart that no longer was intact. Piece by piece. Bit by bit. His shredded heart struggled to beat.
Ishqi ne jo kiya mere liye kiya.
That was all that his numb mind could process. Ishqi broke her wedding with Mayank because of Sonu? His unresponsive limbs jolted to reality.
Sonu and Raj who had rushed out hearing the sound outside their room froze upon catching the sight of the visibly shaken Ahaan. Sonu's world came crumbling down, seeing her worst fear becoming her reality.
He had heard everything.
He knew it all.
He knew it all and he was going to hate her for the same, she was sure.
She barely made any attempts to hide her tears. Her eyes fixated to the ground stared at the broken pieces of the glass. Mimicking her relationship with the one who meant the world to her - her Ahaan Bhaiyaa - that was into pieces now.
Raj involuntarily reached out for her hand leaving her to wonder what had she ever done to deserve someone like him. Despite knowing everything, he was still holding onto her. She knew he was upset. Perhaps a lot more than just upset but even then, he wasn't ready to leave her alone to face the wrath of her family.
Sonu stood quiet, torturing herself with her brother's silence. He hadn't spoken a word but his stance screamed of the amount of damage she had caused him.
He forwarded his hand, still not allowing his emotions to find his voice.
Sonu wondered if he was asking for her hand to hold it in his protective hold like he always did but she knew it better. She had lost that protection from her brother. She took Raj's hand off hers and walked back into her room.
She picked the small violet paper bag she had placed on the bed that had her letters and some other stuff. She hadn't thought that she would be able to give it to him by herself but it seemed like fate wanted it that way.
Taking in a deep breath, she summoned the courage to face her brother. One last time.
She handed him the bag which he wordlessly took from her hand.
He plodded out, turning his back to her, not allowing her to listen to his voice.
And that broke Sonu. Her weak knees didn't let her stand, making her fall on the floor.
Lost.
She had lost him.
She had lost everything.
*
He shut the door behind, once he was in his room. Turning off the lights, he found himself a corner as he sat down, emptying the bag in his hand.
A letter.
A doll.
A CD.
His eyes gazed at the things that came out of the bag. Violet. One of the colors that always made him smile. But not that day. He pushed it aside, getting his hands on the piece of paper that was going to change everything for him.
Once he began to read, his senses wanted to stop functioning.
Letter by letter.
Word by word
Line by line.
He didn't stop for even a moment until he reached the last word, not letting his emotions distract him from finding out the truth.
And once the truth was out, right in front of him, he lost his ability to respond. Respond to the reality that he couldn't see earlier. Respond to her truth that he couldn't see earlier.
Tears blurred his vision but brought the clear image of malicious lies and vicious schemes that had destroyed everything. For her. And equally for him.
He pulled his laptop that was just on the side table beside him and put the CD in.
His eyes no longer held surprise to watch the CCTV footage of the wedding day though coming across Mayank's hands choking Ishqi filled him with an insane urge to destroy the hands that had dared to hurt her.
But with what face? With what face was he going to do that? For more than Mayank, it was he, who was the culprit. Guilty of so many things that he would rather wish to suffer amnesia than to recall them.
Agar ek second ke liye bhi mujhe ek acchi ladki samjha hai na, to mera yakeen karo.
She had come to him.
She had come to him even after every hurtful taunt he had hurled at her, every sick accusation he had put on her, and every obnoxious word he had humiliated her with.
She had still come to him.
Because she cared what he thought about her. Because his trust mattered to her. Because his support meant something to her.
The support that he had once silently promised.
The woman had even confessed that she knew even if nobody stood by her... she knew that he would.
He had broken not just the promise he had made to himself but the trust he had involuntarily built inside her for him.
Tumhari vajah se tumhari Maasi ka sar sharm se jhuk gaya.
I hate home breakers
His own words that he had once spat very easily... were swallowing him now.
He had spent miserable days in guilt the last time he had questioned her love and respect for her family after coming to know of her late parents.
He had hated himself for making her listen to the kind of taunts he had to grow up listening to because of his mother. The taunts that often kept him awake on nights. He had become just like the ones he hated.
He had silently vowed never to let those taunts come over his lips for her back then but he had brutally failed.
He had gone back to being the same jerk to her.
The jerk that had ruined an innocent woman. And her only crime was... protecting his sister.
His hands tightly wrapped around his knees, burying his face in them. His own doings suffocated him, drowning his entire self in the darkness that he had willingly chosen for himself.
Phir Se Andhere Chha Gaye,
Khoyi Ujale Ki Kiran.
Kal Raahon Me Phool The,
Ab Hai Kaanto Ki Chubhan.
*
Note: The lyrics of the song used are from the movie Sailaab and the song name is 'Mujhko Ye Zindagi'. It's a beautiful song. Do listen if you already haven't.
Do drop by your comments if you have managed to reach here. They are my sole source of motivation that make me write better and faster.
Much love.
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