Hi all.
I Don't know if this forum still has readers or not but i am anyway going to say what I got to say. Like many many others I am guilty of not knowing who he was (Unless, the guy who played dhoni is counted), i too wasnt a fan of this person who is claimed to have quit on his life. Now, i am not going to comment on what caused this tragedy because there's no point and like many other dark mysteries of bollywood, this too shall be forgotten no matter how much of upheaval it has caused.
His death had shook me despite reading tonnes of articles on him. His death has given me sleepless nights. Its been a month since then and i am . like someone grieving a personal loss, trying to read him inside out, both in terms of psychology and an individual. Just hear me out.
Sushant lost his mother at a very vulnerable age and he did not grieve. These are his own words, not mine. For a 16 year old boy, youngest of all his siblings, grew up overnight with that one phone call that brought news of his mother's sudden demise. Teens who go through such trauma attain life long vulnerability and are unaware of it. This is exactly what had happened with prince Harry. (data is available on internet if anyone wants to crosscheck). Now, i dont know whether or not his news of depression true or not, but there is high probability of it. But he was fearless. He developed it probably because the scare of loss was lost with his mother's death. He was passionate and a keen learner. He oozed intelligence and i am really amazed that people mocked him for his answers when they should have been in awe of every word that he used to utter! I went through quite a few pages even here on india forums and found people calling him arrogant! Of all the things that he should have been called, arrogance wasnt any and this is purely my personal opinion. His body language was different. He was different. His intelligence quotient was extremely high with chain if thoughts running in a speed beyond his control. Such people try to express themselves with hand movements and thats normal! Its shameful to see people making fun of him and calling him fake. He looked, talked and spoke in exactly similar manner through out his career. The only thing that changed which i observed as a professional was his energy in the way he spoke and the light in his eyes.
I would like to quote Abhishek Kapoor here 'Strategic dismantling of a fragile mind' was so evident on his face after raabta to chichore.
But, he didnt come out as a person who would give up on his life even if he was depressed. Again, i am not saying he didnt commit suicide. It could be true too but it is too difficult to believe if i were to go by his interviews. I would like to bring two of them.
Once he was asked what would he take with him if he were to get stuck in an island and he said, a means to return.
He was asked if he enjoyed shooting underwater for kedarnath and he said he likes being underwater as long as he can come up.
I know what mental illness can do to you but if news is to be believed, none of his early actions prior to his death hints at any suicidal thoughts but again, lets not touch the untouchable.
Before i move further, i want to clarify i am not a fangirl going crazy for an off screen couple and i didnt even know about his relationship with Ankita before his death and what all i will be saying is based on interviews.
It could be the excitement of his venture in bollywood, but during his courtship with ankita his face glowed. He was genuinely happy. And i would not be exaggerating if i say that Ankita did come out as an emotional support to a vulnerable boy who kept him sane. Someone who he could come back to, irrespective of what conspired throughout the day, success or failure. I agree Ankita was his emotional strength but what people are not talking about is, his emotional dependence on her! No matter what happened between them, or who broke up with whom, its not possible for him to stay unperturbed. But it might not have hit him instantly. Just like his mother's loss . like a parasite, grew on him as he aged, there's a possibility that the separation got into him in later years. Again, its mere speculation.
If i am to be honest, the only person whom he looked most comfortable with and was himself after Ankita was sara ali khan. No, i am not saying they dated or anything but Sushant and sara had terrific understanding and i dont care if they had a age gap of 8 years because even his supposed girlfriend is 7 yrs younger to him. But something terrible happened between the two of them as he unfollowed her and refused to work with sara ever again which is weird because he didnt do anything of this sort with any other person. (Or may be i am not aware ).
Anyway , coming back to his professional life, he left some and lost some movies and with so many biggies coming forward talking about the mockery he had been through, it is heart breaking to imagine what he had gone through.
A small town boy with dreams in his eyes and hunger for learning didnt deserve to die this soon. You will be missed sushant. You have taught us to be not judgemental, biased and blinded in our opinions.
Your tremendous holistic approach towards life has given left me with a life time guilt of not valuing you.
In our hearts forever.
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