The last time that I was here at IF was literally 2 years ago. Not even in my wildest dreams had I imagined that I would be back here, that too on account of Sushant's demise.
I've been a silent reader/ listener here & on every other platform for the past 8 days. It has been hard, really really hard. I never cared for death, specially not any celebrity's, but there's a feeling inside my chest that I haven't been able to shake off since the news broke out. It feels like a personal loss, I don't know how or why. And I don't want this strange emotion to fade away, not completely atleast, for this has woken me up in many ways, I want it to be a reminder for me (and many others) to honour what is right, to honour what is good and to honour anything at the right damn time before it's late.
I was never a fan of Sushant, but some of his movies are extremely special to me. First, Kai Po Che was the film adaption of 3 mistakes. And '3 mistakes' was one of the books that had impacted me a lot as a teen, I went in to watch KPC only because of the book, but came back as a fan of the movie as well, that hardly happens when films are adapted from books & even worse when the film takes a different track than the one in the book. I've watched it too many times now, that I've learnt not to cry, but not anymore. Manjha will never feel the same again, neither will Ish's smile that appearsafter Ali's opening boundary.
Second, MS Dhoni, I am a huge fan of MSD and that was only thing that led me to the theatre. Added, it was the only movie that I had gone to in the three years that I spent at college with my college mates. I may have walked in as a MSDian, but at various points in the movie, I sure did forget the difference between MSD & SSR. Sushant made it feel like it wasn't him but MSD itself on screen right from mannerisms, body language, expressions and what not! I will tell you proudly that no one else could've done justice as MSD better than SSR did. Now again, watching the movie will never be the same and none of the songs will ever be or feel the same again.
Third, I am dam ashamed looking back because I went in for Kedarnath for the hype around Sara and the visuals from the Trailer, not once did I actually think about SSR even after what I saw in MSD. But man, I couldn't have been any more wrong, at the end of two hours, Mukku din't matter to me nor did those visuals, only Mansoor Khan did, he had inadvertently walked into my heart. I've watched Kedarnath several times again over the last 1.5 years, not for Sara or the visuals or even the story & film which in itself was pretty average, but only for Mansoor. I don't cry anymore in the climax, I guess I will from now on. There are some stills of Mansoor, from his awkwardness, to his smiles, to his tears, to his earnest rendering of Lag ja gale and many more things that are & forever will be ingrained in my head. The more I saw Kedarnath, the more Mansoor made sense to me inside my head. And that will be completely on Sushant for bringing that character (who din't have much to speak) on screen so damn beautifully with just his potrayal.
And in the past week, the amount of things I've seen and read makes me believe that metaphorically SSR in many ways wasn't any different from Mansoor himself. Right from the opening montage song of Namo Namo, Mansoor drew me in with that 'There's something about this guy'. I guess that is what us & even bollywood would've felt about Sushant. Somewhere between living his life based on the values/ thoughts he had picked up from his dad on what living & serving meant, on things that truly made life beautiful and the ways in which he opens himself to Mukku and continues to fight for her, for their love and their promises even after knowing what kind of a person she was and to ultimately doing things that meant the world and made sense to him, Mansoor became the soul of Kedarnath.I believe Sushant was no different, he lived a life true to his beliefs, true to his mum, true to the things that mattered to him and true to the things/ people that he loved, just liked how Mansoor believed in serving, loving and being grateful to the piligrims that helped him make a living, true to the memory of his father and the values that he had instilled in him. He lets Mukku walk into his heart and with that she brings a slightly different shade/side to to him. Sushant seems to have opened himself to things that he loved, be it astronomy or physics or theatre or philosophy or cinema and what not, but God just like Mansoor he loved each one of them dearly in his own way. When Mansoor comes into terms with who Mukku is as a person and her position and why she did what she did, that breaks him, but when he knows that Mukku's emotions are no different he chooses to fight. Maybe it did take a while for Sushant to actually come to terms with what 'Bollywood' was, but when it did, eventually hitting him on the face time and again, it would've broken him down to aome extent. But still, like Mansoor he chose to fight to continue doing what he loved, for his place and for what mattered to him, Eventually letting go his life like Mansoor did. In that last shot of Mansoor, with his arms wide open drinking in the rain with a smile on his face after giving a young boy his dad, things seemingly made sense in his head, about how it had to end for him. And even for Sushant, I would like to believe it made sense for him, in his head atleast to let go. Ironically a dialogue from Kedarnath, which a Pandit tells Mukku in reference to Mansoor was 'You know where he is, you will send him where he is meant to be'. I firmly believe that his life would've been different and even way better if he hadn't stepped into Bollywood, but it had to happen to send him to where he was meant to be, in his mother's arms.
I will always continue to remember him for his wonderful work, for the person he was, for all his interests and for the life he lived. I will continue to honour him through the memory of his characters, his movies, his songs, his musings, his interviews and his many other interests. And everytime I listen to Lag ja gale going forward, it will inevitably bring back Sushant for me like it brought back Mansoor for Mukku. For when the time was there, I had failed to appreciate him, but I will try and play my role in my own small way to let Sush's legacy live on!
'Lag jaa gale ke phir yeh haseen raath ho na ho.
Shaayad phir is janam mem mulaaqat ho na ho.'
And while I am at it, going forward, I (and you) hope to choose to appreciate and honour people at the right time, to embrace their good for we never know what would happen.
P.S. Sorry for the length. There hasn't been much in here actually celebrating Sush's life and work. It would be great if you guys can actually use this thread to put in stuff about his interests, his characters, his works, his interviews, etc that has made an impact on you, even if had just made you smile or shed a tear.
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