Hello folks... So this one I had been trying to pen down from past 3-4 days. Its a three-shot about how I would wish to see Prerna taking a stand for herself, her baby and Anurag.
Part 1 is focused on Prerna's contemplation...
So here it goes...
To Un Do the Undone
Part 1
Night had fallen. Kuki was resting on Prerna's lap while Mr. Bajaj was in jail. He had surrendered himself after Anurag had filed a complaint against him. Carelessly patting Kuki's head, Prerna was lost deep in her thought. She had not fully recovered from the impact of this accident. This accident could have costed her the reason for her living, Anurag! She shook at the mere thought. Mr. Bajaj was the reason behind this accident, and he had hit Anurag in a fit of rage.
Though Mr.Bajaj had confessed the same to her as well, yet at that moment, she was so engrossed in her plight that the impact of his confession didn't last long on her. Anurag was fighting for his life and that was making her lose big time. She gave him a benefit of doubt and even tried to understand him. But now when Anurag was fine and had filed a complaint, she knew he was right and had every right to file a complaint. Deep within, the anger she felt for Mr. Bajaj stirred.
She hated him from day one, however she had tried to suppress her hatred for him for the sake of his daughter. For Kuki’s sake. As caught within her own turmoil, she didn’t want Kuki to be a witness to her misery caused by her own father.
She tried to accept her fate, burying herself deep in the crevices of her broken heart to hide her pain from Anurag. She didn’t want Anurag to know anything. She knew Anurag. She knew he would some how survive this agony. But the moment he realized that she sold herself for his life, he would shatter. He would be laden with guilt and fell so deep in the dungeons of her desolation that she won’t be able to revive him. She knew he wouldn’t mind laying down his life for her freedom, but that wouldn’t be right. And that would nullify her own sacrifice. And so, she took everything on herself.
It hurt every fibre of her being to see him suffering. She knew he loved her, but she had not witnessed the extent of his love for her, until she walked away from him. Sometimes she wondered, how could he love her so much? A thought that pierced her bleeding heart like a sharp dagger again and again, till the pain numbed her. She wished that he would hate her with his entire being just as she would continue to love him.
Sometimes she pondered, why was it happening to her? What had she ever done to deserve this?Whenever she watched Mr. Bajaj with Kuki she always wondered how a father could ever do this. Didn’t he ever think that her child would need his or her father too. Why was her child’s fate torn like her? Why was her child made to suffer with her?
The thought made her feel so helpless that it would stifle her, yet she couldn't even wish for her own death. How could she, when she was carrying the last reminiscence of her life with Anurag. And thus, even though every breath she took would pain her, she had resolved to live for their child. This relentless battle chewed her inside out.
However, things started to roll out of her control when Anurag challenged Mr. Bajaj and persisted with her to come back. Everything around her was turning out to be a chaotic mess. Anurag was changing into a man, she didn't recognize. She didn’t care what Anurag did with Mr. Bajaj on a professional front but as a person she abhorred the thought of Anurag becoming like Mr. Bajaj.
She got to know about Mr. Bajaj’s family post marriage. Post marriage she met Kuki. On his personal front whether he had a daughter or was indulging in an affair, she cared less. He said Kuki was his reason behind marriage, but it didn't matter. Nothing could change the fact that she was coerced into this marriage. Kuki however turned out to be her emotional anchor. Someone in the big Bajaj mansion who was still pure, and she could connect to. So, before life got too toxic, she channelized her energies into looking after Kuki.
She never questioned Mr. Bajaj’s motives but that didn’t mean she had shut her eyes on his dealings with Basu’s. She never questioned him but found his moves devious. After Anurag took over Bajaj mansion, she couldn't fathom Mr. Bajaj's decision to move into Basu Baari. She kept giving in to him and acted a mute spectator as she was never comfortable around him. She preferred to stay away. But staying in Basu Bari brought back a lot of memories. She hated to be in Anurag’s room with Mr. Bajaj. It hurt her. Bajaj Mansion at least gave her the privacy of some space, but at Basu Bari, she was compelled to maintain the pretext of this marriage.
She knew Anurag was already smelling a rat in this marriage. His eyes implored her to speak the truth, but she didn’t have the courage to do so. She wished she could tell Anurag that as much as he hated her being called Mrs. Bajaj, the address was like a molten metal being casted in her ear. If he hated it, it burnt her.
Nevertheless,she kept quiet all this while staying true to the conditions of the deal. “Deal!”, she scoffed. She was a wife acquired in a deal. The thought hurt her self-respect. But today she felt cheated. Last few days with Anurag fighting for his life, were no less than a living nightmare for her. And Mr. Bajaj not only had caused this accident but also had the audacity to justify it. She had traded her loyalty to save Anurag and he had put Anurag’s life at stake. He had breached the deal. Her head throbbed with the rush of emotions. “How could he be so callous about his act? How does he face himself every morning?” she thought.
Her mind drifted to the conversation she had with him before he surrendered to Police. He talked about targeting Basu Publications over some hidden motives. He spoke about how he couldn’t reveal to her why he had come to Basu Bari. All directing at some concealed agenda that was driving him against Basu’s. She remembered how Anurag had once told her that he felt that Mr. Bajaj had something against him on personal rather than professional front. What was the truth? She knew for sure that Anurag was clueless about whatever was in Mr. Bajaj's mind. Then why were they subjected to this pain?
He said he didn't want to use her but he did use Anurag’s freedom as a bait to trap her? What more was he hiding? How many lies was he spinning around her?
"Kuki aapse bohut pyar karti hai. Meri beti ka khayal rakhiyega" his words from morning, rang in her ears.
Prerna looked at the little girl sleeping peacefully in her lap and sighed. Kuki was her responsibility. How and when things turned the way it did, she didn't know. Why was Kuki her responsibility, she had no idea. She didn't want to hold anything against the girl, she was too young, innocent and naive. And Prerna couldn't hold herself back from showering her affections on the little child as well. But as she bent down to kiss the sleeping girl's forehead, her hand shifted on her tummy. And the little bump, that she felt over her clothes, made her heart skip a beat. It was about time. She won't be able to hide her little secret for long, she knew.
Usually Kuki's presence calmed her frayed nerves but today with her thoughts going haywire, there was no respite. Suddenly, the room was closing in on her. She needed some fresh air. And so, she gently shifted Kuki from her lap and adjusted her head on the pillow. Once she was assured that Kuki was comfortable and asleep, she turned on the night lamp and quietly left the room.
As she stepped out of the room, she looked around the empty corridors submerged in darkness. There was a time when she feared darkness. Not anymore. This darkness now veiled her pain from an unwarranted audience. She tip-toed towards Anurag's room. The urge to see him overpowered her sense of reason. She peeped into his room through the slit in the door. It was an unearthly hour and as she had expected, he was sleeping. The lines of worry were visible on his forehead even in his sleep and she gulped the lump that formed in her throat.
As she turned away from his room, she noticed that masi's room's lights were still on. She remembered how Sharda masi was upset with her for not siding with Mr. Bajaj. The old lady had always been good to her and considered Mr. Bajaj his son. She was bound to be upset and worried. After a moment's pause, she decided to check on Masi once. May be she needed something.
She walked upto masi's room and realized the door was slightly ajar. She decided to just peep in once and be sure that masi was fine. But as she inched closer, the words that fell on her ears shocked her, "Bajaj ne prerna se sirf kuki keliye shaadi nahi ki hai". Came in masi's words followed by tanvi's,"toh phir?" she waited for a moment but got no satisfactory revert and realized that masi was trying to evade the topic. A cynical smile formed on her lips. Another lie!
She slipped from the corridors and found solace in her favorite spot. On the terrace. She wanted to talk to her moon. So much was going on inside her, but the sky today was as dark as her thoughts. There was no moon but dark clouds. She wrapped her arms around herself as the sky thundered. Storm was brewing both outside and within.
"Meri beti ka khayal rakhiye"
“Yeh Shaadi maine sirf Kuki ke liye Ki hai”
"Bajaj ne prerna se sirf kuki ke liye shaadi"
"Basu bari main aane ki wajah kuch aur thi"
Mr. Bajaj’sand masi's words alongwith everything that happened pre and post her marriage was playing like a film right in front of her eyes.
And this gave her the perspective that she was missing. So many things had happened that she was not paying attention to. It started to rain but she didn't seek shelter. Instead she let her tears flow freely. No one would notice her tear stains while they got washed away. Not that it mattered, no one anymore cared if she was happy or crying. When tears pricked, she shut her eyes tight. The time she and Anurag had spent in rain, their dance, their hug and their togetherness flashed before her eyes. She wished life was different than it was. She wished she and Anurag could have married that day. She cried over her broken dreams.
She decided she won’t hold herself back. She was holding back a tornedo inside her and she needed to let go. She was not the one who would revel into self-pity but today she was all jumbled. She was angry at Mr. Bajaj for attempting to emotionally manipulate her. She was angry at herself for being so dumb all along. Though whatever she did, she did for Anurag, yet she felt guilty for being the reason behind his pain. She felt guilty of hurting her family and being the reason behind their humiliation. Could a selfish father justify all of this at the pretense of getting a mother for his child? And that too when she was herself going to experience motherhood.
She caressed her belly once again and this time as if to apologize to the life inside her. In all the mess, she had neglected her own baby. Two days back during her regular check-up, her gynecologist had reprimanded her for being careless with herself. She was told that this was her second trimester and soon the baby would start to grow and show up. What would happen then? What bubble was she living in? What will she tell Anurag?
Anurag had the right to know about his child. But her own insecurities had never allowed her to open to him. She was guilty of not prioritizing her child. She was guilty of keeping a child away from his father’s knowledge. How much more was she going to lie to Anurag? How much more will she hide from him?
As she stood there, soaking in the rainwater and letting her tears flow, her thoughts began to clear up. She needed to take a stand. If not for herself, for her child. She can’t let her child be at anyone’s mercy. She will have to take a stand for Anurag too. She can’t allow the man who have hurt him to cause him more pain by flaunting her as his arm candy. No, she was not an object to be trampled upon!
The deal commanded her loyalty and her God is witness to her ordeal. She was loyal to her terms even if meant to hurt Anurag. She never encouraged his persuades. She even raised impenetrable fences around her heart. It was Mr. Bajaj who was being treacherous. He was the one lying. He had put Anurag in danger. He was still behind Basu’s for whatever reasons he had.
“But Kuki?” a voice inside her asked and she felt the strings to her heart being pulled again. But she shook her head. “Nahi… main Kuki ke liye kamzor nahi pad sakti…Kuki ke pass uske papa hain! Aur mera bacha… koi nahi jaanta uske baare main. Mera faisla tha usse is duniya main laane ka. Main kuki ke liye uske saath koi injustice nahi kar sakti. Yeh galat hoga” she explained herself.
Finally, an unflinching determination crossed her face. It was as if she found her path.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________
To be continued....
- With love, Sonia
comment:
p_commentcount