Hi mere RoNakshi waloo. Thank you for loving the previously planned I knew- RoNakshi OS which was a Rohit’s monologue.There were so many roses and no chappals at all for that. Thank you for all the love. There came so many requests to have a sonakshi’s point of view,while many also requested their union. So here comes the unplanned sonakshi monologue as promised. Let’s see how would the union unfolds later. Feel free to send any roses or even chappals.
You can find the part 1 of this TS here: I knew: RoNakshi TS part 1
And now,we start.
How I wish: RoNakshi TS part 2
I heard the siren of the night train arriving from a distance. It must be around 04.30 in the morning and as usual I was wide awake while keeping my eyes shut. To my room, train siren was always audible and it was helping me to keep the count of how many hours I have been up each night. Well if I have been more attentive,I could have counted the hours I had been up for one whole month now. Because in this one whole month, there has not been a single night that I fell asleep,even by a mistake.
I got up from the bed and walked to the window,the tiny little one window of this house cum room. This is not a lavish house I was living in,but a little cottage, which had just one room, and a bathroom but nothing else. one single room which had a bed which was almost of no use since I never slept, but however it was at a corner since I just keep lying down almost the whole day.Then there was a little table which on one side had my plate and jug of water,the little rice cooker I used to make everything be it rice, or a curry. Then there is my chair on the other side of the table which is right next to the window.
stretching my arm at the window and I pushed it open. There comes my daily view and it’s what helping me right now to calm down. This is what I always do at a time like this.Outside it is all mountains which has been my favorite thing in childhood. Childhood I mean, not anymore. Well nothing interests me anymore.
the faint dawn light was touching the ground and more than that was the mist. Or May be it’s the fog? I dont know what to call it really. The lights were still on up at the mountains giving it a fairyland look,and I see the train taking the last bend over the arch bridge before it leaves here, probably to go to Delhi.
The breeze that entered from the open window made me hug myself tight, it was so cold that it pierced into my skin and then made me have chills all over,but it seems like I have become immune to every pain now. In one way it was scary, I thought I am slowly but steadily loosing my sanity; but at one moment even turning insane seemed nothing to worry about. I do not know what I am becoming indeed anymore.
Shimla.That’s where I am. That is where I have been for the past month. Away from the chaos that clearly turned my life upside down even before I could catch up. Who knew that I, the once well known serial actress, Sonakshi Rastogi will end up here, away from the loved ones, the everso loving fans and luxuries. Well the worldly luxuries didn’t impress me anyways because for me the luxury was being with my loved ones,which I do not have the privilege of doing anymore. How I wish I could.
Mumma, Pari and Pulkit, Mera jaan tha un teeno. In fact ab bhi hein koi change nahi hua hein. I didn’t want to even think of living without them ever, but kya se kya hua pata nahi,jatke se sab kuch badla aur I wanted to leave everything and go. It doesn’t mean that I do not love them, but I simply couldn’t stay back. I still remember how I got down at the Shimla and called them to say that I have left, probably forever.I did feel a tug in my stomach hearing Pulkit crying, telling me repeatedly to say where I am. But after asking him to take care of everyone I had nothing more to say and that is w here I disconnected the call, switched off my mobile and dumped it down the bridge. From where my journey to here started. How I wish things were different.
I do not regret leaving everything behind. I was tired. I was tired of constantly running, without knowing where the stop would be. But No it doesn’t mean that I didn’t love my work. I did and I literally worshipped it. I loved being the heroine in my fans’ eyes.I loved them all dearly. N number of selfies and autographs, attention and appreciation where ever I stepped, nominations that always turned in to awards made my life truly special and I knew all those come only to a few lucky people in world. But not even them could hold me back. My heart was adamant. How I wish it was not.
Rohit.I whispered again, this got to be the millionth time I have chanted his name this month. I have heard that if we are going to keep on chanting for something for a long time, it actually comes to you be it good or bad. But as always, this time too in my case it seems different. Rohit Sippy is not going to come no matter how much I yearn to see him or be with him. Aakhir why would he? After such a long wait, the love of his life came back to him and he must be so happy in life. I was just his best friend and nothing else. But couldn’t I be something more to him? How I wish I could.
World was revolving and I was revolving along with it till Rohit happened to me. Once happened,eventually he became my world. I was so lost in him to such an extent that I forgot that there is an outside world too. But one day everything changed when his past returned back to him. I am sorry, wo past nahi thi uska, wo rohit ki world thi. And that is when I was shot back to the real world, which has already revolved far ahead away from me. I couldn’t meet the phase of the real world and that is where I realized. Realized that I couldn’t do it anymore. Why couldn’t we both have a world together? How I wish we could.
Two months ago, I still remember the date at the restaurant with him. Well it wasn’t the first time we have gone out for a dinner together,but was an actual date which had no medical emergencies or shooting schedules coming in it’s way. When I saw That he had left me so many messages and calls prior to ask out for a dinner, my too much dramatic mind probably took it all wrong.I dressed up as excited as a teen though I was just one year away from turning thirty. How dumb was I? I don’t know. Then the way He said I love you sonakshi. I think I was on the cloud nine. If he saw the glint in my eyes which I had no way of hiding,may be he would have easily caught that I love him already. But then it was time to get back to earth when he said that I should just be pretended as the one he loves. It was all a planned drama but nothing else. Couldn’t it really be a reality? How I wish it was the real.
I was angry and I was hurt. I was loving a man who in return asked me to be his fake girlfriend. I was an actress in reel not real. I downright rejected it all, got mad at him And our date was over. I thought I’d never talk to this man ever again but destiny had other plans. He approached me over and over again, and my heart couldn’t handle him begging to me like that. After all,even if I would have set the love for him aside, yet we shared an amazing friendship which I couldn’t trade off for anything. I said to myself that I would do it for my friend but little did I know that I was fooling my self. It was me just inviting myself to fall for a pothole of pain which I didn’t realize that day. How I wish I realized it then.
We started faking. And Every time we did, I fell for him in real. Did not he fall for me too? How I wish he did.
He visited me daily, or made me visit him daily. I too budged in, to go visit him whenever. because nothing made me happy as seeing him and being with him. Can I be with him and see him again? How I wish I could at least once.
My set became our first place of meeting up.He appeared at anytime and everytime either to eat garma garam samosa or dhokla. And when his scent of his colonge enters before he does, I used to feel butterflies in my stomach,no joke. Sometimes he arrives just when I am about to open the tiffin from home and drags a chair next to me and waits with open mouth till I feed him. It got into my system so much that some days Mumma had a question about the weird little portion of food remaining in the tiffin. Well her question was kept unanswered but it was actually me leaving the first bite of my food aside for him before I start eating,irrespective of the fact that he comes or not. I should have got used to the fact that I cannot have him forever there itself. How I wish I had that sense before all this.
Some nights I spent in his cabin after my shoots. While his eyes were attentively on the book ,teaching me how the heart pumps blood from atrium to ventricle,my heart was in complete chaos,I was restless. When he looks up from the book and when our eyes meet, he smiles while asking if I am bored or sleepy, my inner chaos disappear and I get calm and lost in those black eyes. As he look down again into the book, I got into the habit of keeping my head down on his table and stare at those mesmerizing features he posessed. I was restless I was calm. That was the Rohit sippy effect working on me.And there are endless nights that I fell asleep while staring at him like that. But the whole different fact is that, I never found myself sleeping on his table whenever I woke up the next day. I instead have found myself lying down in the couch of his cabin, covered nicely from a duvet and a pillow under my head, and his smiling face greeting me for another good morning. Looking at him I used to think that he would have stayed up whole night staring at me, then I mentally slap me for my bollywood oriented mind. Why would he do that? He would have had better work than that. But didn’t he actually do it at least once? How I wish him to do that at least by mistake once.
Well yes of course, pretend dating was ok everywhere. But I didn’t know why or when we thought to progress into his room. We didn’t stop there we started to have a deal. Whenever to hangout in his room and one day we will be watching a Hollywood movie of his choice and the next day it will be an episode from my serial.Yes doctor surgeon never watched kahaani parvati ki but with this he started watching it from the first episode all over again. I had to penalize for that by watching all those super heros, dragons and everything. And not mention the horror stuff which I never had guts to watch anyway.Rohit had a habit of watching horror movies with no lights at all in the room, so we had our nose to toes covered from his duvet and scream our guts just when the scary music comes up.at the end we didn’t know who died and who survived because either we both cover our eyes and scream, or he hugs me and hides among my hair, or I hug him and hide in his chest. Now that I look back,Friends do not behave like that. Was he loving my embrace as much as I did love his? How I wish he was.
If I am to talk about him watching my serial,He used to laugh at me for the way I used to look three years ago,during my first days of KPK saying I look fat back then and I was overracting at some points. I wouldn’t deny, and I loved hearing critics from him. I liked his genuine,witty comments with sarcastic remarks all the way.First days He was annoyed and mocked all the dying people coming back to life,but later he figured out that in serials people who fall down from a cliff always returns back to life off the logic.in fact he developed a habit of anticipating the whichever dead person coming back which made me laugh my head off all the time.And He called sumit various names whenever he appeared on the screen and was so annoyed when the consummating scene was shown. I don’t know why he skipped it half way. he blamed me saying I shouldn’t have been so close with sumit despite me trying to explain him that it’s was utterly the need of the CVs and makers of the show.we had a exchange of words and very slightly heated argument as it progressed and he didn’t talk with me after that episode for two days.then we patched up but he never watched parvati kunal romancing ever again. I thought he was being possessive and hence jealous,but then again why would he be? But how I wish he was all that at least secretly.
He used to take my hand all the time. When we were talking in my green room, where we had stupid arguments he used to hold my hand to stop my blabbering. After we were done watching the planned movie or episode and when I am about to leave he used to hold my hand and keep me in some other conversation for few more minutes. When we used to walk parallel he used to hold my hand. He used to hold my hand even in the car where there was no need of pretence since Ravi knew the truth about us. I loved being held like that but probably it was his friendly gesture. How I wish otherwise.
Then we fast forward to two weeks and few days later from that phase.
At the most unexpected moment,rohit took me home and when Veena aunty declared they are to finalize the dates of our marriage, reality sort of dawned upon me. Rohit looked shocked, but i thought I didn’t see a dislike in his eyes about the marriage idea, may be I am wrong. How I wish he wanted me forever as much as I did.
The most speechless moment it was, and in a corner sat Ajit who put this amazing fake girlfriend sonakshi idea to rohit’s head. He seemd surely out of further amazing ideas to get us two out of the mess. But that was the moment where a blast from the past decided to return back to rohit and consequently to me too. And that wasn’t a reality dawning Upon me, that was a mountain of reality crashing on my head. Yes it was her, Raima agnihotri, rohit’s ex girlfriend who came out of a four years coma,and back to his life. I was not sad to see her returning.I was not sad to see her running into hug him. nothing of those made me sad in the way I felt broken when he let go of my hand he was holding at that moment, the hand that he never let go in that whole period ever. Couldn’t he hold me till the end of time? How i wish he could.
Hamari safar waha tak tha, I felt. And that was the time I had to let him go I thought. It was the time to let go of Rohit sippy, the man I loved in a way that I have never loved anyone before. It was the time to let him be at the place he waited to be, to see, to apologize and to hold onto,forever. I took my step back, and I walked away and out of the Sippy mansion,from the people who loved me like their own,and from the man who never loved me despite my secretly showered unrequited love. I had no courage left to look at him for one last time. How I wish I had.
I tried to keep myself calm and go on with my life,but when I lost the ability to do my favorite thing that is to sleep, there I understood that I was falling very badly. It was like an overnight falling to depression. I felt him everywhere and I was stuck at the last moment I spent with him,holding hands. I tried to focus on moving ahead in life, but found myself crying for no reason. not even mumma’s paneer makhani and ghee parata made me uplift the quickly lost appetite. I was up all night,yet I couldn’t get myself up from the bed to go to the set,to be the character that I alone built up for three years shedding my blood,sweat and tears. Ms. Nethra alone knew my plight and fixed all her shooting schedules with my body double covering up for me. I was fallen very badly. I was broken very harshly. How I wish I was not.
Then came Ajit, who apologized me for what happened,to which I forgave.he further explained me that Sippy mansion was in chaos owing to the fact that he revealed the love drama we both were doing. All at home were upset and angry with rohit and no one agreed with raima and rohit being together. Ajit said nothing anymore but I myself thought that I should correct it all. Well it wasn’t in the plan to correct it because I didn’t do anything wrong but the man I love was hurting and he was in pain so I couldn’t keep myself back. For one last time that day, I went back to the Sippy mansion for him. There I declared that I was the culprit of their heart being broken, by making up some story about mumma bringing me a rishta which I didn’t want so rohit acted for me to get out of that matter. Everyone at home were convinced when I apologized and furthermore I requested them to accept raima and rohit to get married to which they did. I felt my bachi kuchi himmat going down the drain but I stayed head strong. I saw him in a corner, trying to meet my eyes and say something but I had no option than to avoid that gaze. Because I knew, I knew that if I waited there for one more second, if I reciprocated his stare once again, I will not be able to give him to raima ever again. How I wish I didn’t have to.
The next two days I received n number of calls and messages from rohit to which I didn’t call back or reply. My heart was crushed and I saw him even in every such crushed piece even. I was caught to a turbulence of emotions which I cannot yet exactly name as what, but I knew I was so so broken. And with him not getting the needed reply from me I knew he is going to come to the set, our first spot of meeting soon. That’s where I decided to be quick, I wanted to leave. In an hour of getting his last call I put down my papers and told Ms. nethra that I need to go break away from my serial. She was utterly shocked and tried to do everything to stop me,but she couldn’t. I was sorry for putting her at a mess indeed owing to my misery she had nothing to do with. She finally said she allows me to go only with the hope of me coming back sooner or later but one day for sure as parvati again.I didn’t want to hurt my mentor,my supporter,my friend and my secret keeper anymore so I allowed her to assume such and kept mum. I was leaving my set, and when I was about to leave my green room, in each corner I saw memories of rohit and him smiling with me, hugging me, pecking my cheeks and opening mouth to be fed by me. I wanted to feel him in real right at that moment and that was suddenly turning to an urge. Which I could not achieve anyway. How I wish I could.
Another few hours of packing nothing much but some clothes at home, I quietly got ready and waited for the night to arrive. When everyone went to sleep, I slowly walked out of that house, goregaon which malabar hills ki doctor surgeon Rohit sippy had so much connection with,despite the up down long travels in his car with ravi. I disguised myself and the night’s darkness helped me out to escape without much attention anyway. I had no idea where I should be going. It was more like you come out and going in a way that your head turns to. I took the train to Delhi. And from delhi, it was to here. Spontaneous decisions on by one. And within days, I was 1000 kilometers away from where my home, my people, and my heart was. How I wish I wasn’t.
But this is also a way that I wished may be. Because had I been there, I would be seeing him being hers. Given the qualities of sippys and their love I know they will need me there at the most important moment of their eldest son. Which I cannot do at all,I am so sure.
To him Sonakshi rastogi will just be a memory. Or may be not even a memory. Why would it be? I mean I was once a friend and nothing more. Yes we had so many things together, but the love was just mine. It was my sided love. One sided love. An unrequited love. For him, love could only happen once he said. And that became true to him when the love of his life returned to him. So who am I to question in his destiny? I am no one. How I wish I was the one.
There were things that never happened between us. No kiss on lips, no intimacy, no fooling arounds,no skin to skin touch whatsoever. But yet love came in purest form for him in my heart. It was him that I would unashamedly undoubtly unconfusingly give my everything for. Because I trust him with my whole life.
Kehete naa,agar hum kisi cheez ko puri shiddat se chati hoon, toh puri kaainat ussko humse milaane ki koshish me lag jaate hein.
But mere saat eisa nahi hua hein, ulta mein apni amaanat ko kochuke hoon. Shaayad meri wo shiddat hein naa,wo kaafi nahi hein shaayad,naa kaainat ke aakhon mein.naa rohit ke aakhon mein.
From here, I do not think I will ever return. I think I will wait here, hidden in this unknown untrodden hills till life too gives up on me.
But it’s ok right? I gave him to the place that he will be really happy in. Really comfortable in. Really smiling in. Really loving in.
It’s hard, it’s so hard that I cannot bear it.
How I wish everything was different.
How I wish I could love him openly and endlessly in front of his eyes.
How I wish all my slight guesses of him loving me too was real.
How I wish that doctor surgeon and drama queen were the meant to be.
How I wish that for once,for one last time,for one life time I don’t need seven, that Rohit sippy was mine.
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