Unfinished Business
Babita wasn't sure what everyone were doing huddled together upstairs. There was a puja going on after all and it's not like it was the first time they were going to attend one. They knew that their attendance is needed in order for it to be considered complete. But no. They all left her downstairs with the priest and ran off to do who knows what.
She sighed as unwanted thoughts crept in again. As she stared into the holy fire, she saw the ashes of her newly borne dreams. It was silly of her to believe that she could have had an easy start when it came to her love life. After the debacle with Ashok had settled, she had started to contemplate about she wanted out of life now.
The catering business helped a lot as it had given her something to look forward to every morning. It kept her busy throughout the day and fulfilled her to a certain extent. But as the days increased, and her eyes fell on Minnie, the realization that she won't be around all the time niggled at her brain. There would come a time when Minnie will have to go away from her. Whether it's for her studies, her job or even her marriage - their separation is inevitable.
It was the solitude that came after this realization that haunted Babita. How would she spend those days? Home to work, work to home? Merely the thought of this dull routine depressed her. It was then that it dawned on her that she wanted a companion. A best friend who will be there by her side. Someone whom she can share her complaints and frustrations with. Someone whom she can share her hearts' secret desires and share silly jokes with. Someone with whom she can be just Babita.
She shifted in her seat to prevent her legs from falling asleep. The crackling of the fire seemed to echo the burning inside her heart.
If not for the events that transpired in the past week, she's not sure if she would have considered Hanuman as her companion. Yes, his love for Minnie is immeasurable and it played a major part in her selecting him, but there was also a part of her that knew that if she was going to broach this idea, then she had to choose him for herself. There had to be a part of her that wanted him purely for selfish reasons.
Upon further reflection, Babita was surprised to find that her heart and body had made that choice a long time ago. Whether it was through Meeta holding Hanuman's hand and crying, or Minnie threatening to leave the haveli or Naeem Bi constantly bringing up the idea of Hanuman dying due to his heavy drinking - they all elicited such heavy reactions from her that could only have been borne out of love.
She was still coming to terms with what this love meant for her. It was confusing, frustrating and not at all what she had imagined it to be. It was completely different to what she had experienced with Ashok. Ashok was miles away and Hanuman is right there before her. She can cook his favorite dishes only for him to fall asleep without having eaten them. When her words fail, she can try to explain the yearning inside of her by dedicating songs for him, and he upon listening to them, can come running home to her.
He came running home to her. Babita wiped away a tear.
He was home and yet so far away. Sometimes when she looked at him, she felt as if he was in another world altogether. A place so far away that she won't be able to reach even if she tried.
She knew Hanuman's love for Imarti was immense. It burned as hot and bright as the sun. The kind of love experienced, it's something that everyone wishes to have in their lifetime. A passion that runs wild and deep, a loyalty that is as formidable as the mountains, and a wealth of respect that touches the ocean floors.
She rubbed her elbows and sighed. She had long ago conceited to the fact that she wasn't destined for such a love. That whatever she gets will be a bond made out of compromises and conditioned love.
"Beti," The priest called, breaking Babita out of her thoughts.
"Ji?" She answered, her mind slowly breaking out of its haze.
"Puja ki thaal le aao aur baaki sab ko bula le aao." He commanded to which Babita nodded.
Getting the required tray, Babita had turned around to call everyone down when she saw them standing by the stairs. It was a surreal sight to see Hanuman standing up there surrounded by family while she was downstairs alone. Her heart broke a little. She wished to be a part of that happy, smiling unit and yet her feet wouldn't move forward. It was Hanuman who took the first step instead.
As he descended, her heart skipped a beat. She glanced at everyone's eager faces. Minnie was beaming so wide Babita was able to see her shining teeth from across the room. Naeem Bi, Beeji, Bauji, even Mickey, Preet and Lalit were being far too happy than what a mere puja will necessitate. With a deep breath, she dared herself to look at Hanuman.
She was taken aback by how last night's words came rushing back to her, especially Imarti. Her name bounced around her skull as if it were trying to infuse with her soul just as much as it had with Hanuman's. Babita hung her head, and tried to stop the tears from spilling over.
Feeling confident in her composure, she walked towards the priest to hand him the tray. She was returning to her former spot when she was intervened by Hanuman who stood before her. There was a calmness to him now but all she could see was his pain and anguish from last night. His anger over her objecting to his drinking but most importantly, his fury over her taking Imarti's name... it shook her still.
Looking into his eyes now, there was a definite change but she didn't know what it was. Babita snuck a glance at Minnie and her overly excited face told it all. She looked back at Hanuman and her heart quickened. She clenched her hands into a tight fist and bit the inside of her cheeks.
No, she didn't want to hear it. As it was, she was already exposed enough to the world because of Ashok. She didn't want another public audience to the matters of her heart. Hanuman must have seen the glisten in her eyes as his demeanor changed. With a slight shake of her head, she gave him his answer. His shoulders fell, eyes lowered and his intention dissolved.
Content that he was able to still understand her, Babita took her former seat. She knew everyone was left disappointed but she didn't want to tarnish the delicate relationship she had with Hanuman because of what they all wanted. There are still so many things she wanted to ask and say and get to know about him. Yes, he is a really good man, there is no doubt about that. His love for Minnie can't be questioned and she wouldn't even dare to think of such a thing. But his love for her? Where did that stand? Where did she stand in his life? Does she glow bright or is she dimmed by the shadow of Imarti's death?
Imarti. That's an issue that Babita now feared to bring up in front of Hanuman. How can she talk to him about her without getting him so worked up? Yesterday, all she had done was take her name and he drowned himself in liquor. Today, Naeem Bi tasked her with asking him about how she died.
Agitated, she stood up.
"Babes, tu teekh hai?" Minnie asked, noticing the abruptness with which her mother moved.
Unable to think clearly, Babita left the puja and headed upstairs. Lying on a normal day was bad enough, she didn't want to commit a sin by doing it whilst a puja was happening. Closing the door, she removed her dupatta and took in deep breaths. She wished she could fast forward to a time when thinking about Hanuman wouldn't make her twist itself into knots. Things might have been easier if she knew he didn't love her back. But knowing that he does made things a lot more difficult for her.
She wondered if she was asking a lot from him. What did she even ask that he found so offensive? For him to stop drinking? For him to stop wallowing in the death of his wife? She doesn't want him to forget Imarti. She would never even dream of asking such a thing from him. While she has never met the woman herself, she has an immense respect for her. The way Hanuman has spoken about her, the passionate love that she can see glowing in his eyes for her till today - they all speak volumes about the kind of woman she once used to be.
Babita turned hearing a knock at the door. She assumed it to be Hanuman. If it were Minnie or any of the other ladies, they would have just walked right in and none of the other men would even think about approaching her. Tired, she took a seat on the bed instead of answering.
There was another knock, this time at the window. Turning towards it, she wasn't too surprised to see it was indeed Hanuman coming to check in on her. Grabbing her dupatta, she covered herself.
Keeping his eyes averted, Hanuman asked, "Aap teekh hai? Aise achanak se aa gayi."
"Hmm." Babita knew it wasn't much of an answer but it was the only she was able to conjure up in the moment.
After a minute of silence, Hanuman asked, "Minnie ko bhej doon?"
Babita dreaded the idea. Minnie's incessant questions were the last thing she needed.
"Nayi. Woh, ek dum se thakan si hogayi thi. Toh socha yaha aa jaoon." She answered truthfully. Maybe a good night's rest was really all she needed.
Hanuman nodded in understanding before walking off. Babita would have assumed he had gone back downstairs if it weren't for the clanging of dishes in the kitchen. Curious, she got up to see what he was up to. While she wasn't able to ascertain what he was doing, she did get a good look at his back. She might not have noticed it before but Hanuman looked extremely well in his uniform. The moving muscles helped to accentuate his lean body and create an aura of raw power. Babita smiled thinking how it fit not only his personality but his attitude towards his profession as well.
Seeing Hanuman turn around and walk back towards her, Babita hid her smile and straightened herself.
Offering her the chilled glass he said, "Yeh li jiye. Thanda thanda rooh afza. Aap ek baar isse peeyengi aap ki saari hi takavat, gile shikve, sab yun," He snapped his fingers, "yun dur ho jayenge."
Babita chuckled and took the glass. One sip of the pink milk, and Babita's mood instantly lifted. As the cool refreshment trickled its way down her throat to her stomach, she felt Hanuman's words come true. She grinned at his knowing smile. And just like that all her complaints, her anger and frustrations with him, they were lessened. It will be ridiculous to assume that one cold drink will wash away their tensions. But it did put things to a new perspective for her. If they can help ease each other's worries with small acts of kindness, then surely they can find a way to tackle bigger problems.
After another sip, Babita spoke, "Woh, kal raat ke liye, sorry. Meine shayad, kuch zyada hi keh diya." Hanuman clasped his wrists together and held them behind his back. "Mujhe Imartiji ka naam aise lena ni chahiye tha."
Hanuman froze for a second. Babita looked away. She took another sip of her drink to fill the awkward silence.
"Kuch kehna tha ji aap se." Hanuman spoke.
This time Babita froze. There was no around but it still felt wrong.
"Aap please kuch mat kahiye." She asked, clutching the glass.
"Aap ek baar sun tho li jiye."
"Nayi." She repeated with more conviction. "Jab tak hum baat ni kar lete, tab tak nayi."
"Wohi toh mein karna chaha ra hoon par aap hai ki..."
Looking into Hanuman's eyes, Babita clarified, "Imartiji ke baare mein."
Hanuman's eyes narrowed but he nodded with understanding. "Abhi toh puja chal ri hai-"
"Aaj raat ko. Jab sab chale gaye." Babita interjected.
Now that Hanuman himself had given her the opportunity, she was going to seize it with both hands.
Once again nodding, he said, "Jaise aap ko teekh lage."
With one last look, Hanuman left to attend the puja. Babita sat back down on her bed as a new wave of anxiety washed over her. Hanuman would surely be preparing himself for another night of agony. The least she could do was show him the same courtesy by asking him carefully crafted questions. Her tone, the order in which she questions him, even her responses and reactions will have to be expressed with the utmost care. A part of her wondered if she should refrain from doing all that and just let herself be natural. But then she thought about last night and how she let her emotions overpower her and rejected that idea. For all the times Hanuman has taken care of her and Minnie's emotional needs, being considerate of his feelings during her questioning was the last that Babita could do for him.
Finishing her drink, Babita left her room and proceeded to join everyone in the puja. It will be another tough night for them, but with Mata Rani's blessings, she's sure they will be able to get through it.
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