UNFAITHFUL?
I was firmly ensconced in the prison of my past. She had no right intruding, coming between me and my friends. I mean, for the last 18 months now, I’d become good buddies with both Loneliness and Solitude. In fact we’re so tight, they drop by whenever they like - day or night. You might think that they’re just voices in my head, but I’m telling you now they have their own personalities. If they’re not ribbing me, they’re challenging lots of my ideas or thoughts. Sometimes they make my life so difficult - complex even. Take for instance what one of them said to me only last night.
Loneliness: Lighten up, Dude. All you did was smell her hair as she leaned over to retrieve her pen from the table.
Me: Yeh, it smelled of vanilla with a hint of spice. So what? It’s not that I could ever have any interest in her.
Loneliness: Of course not. ’She who owns you’ wouldn’t allow you to step outside of your confinement.
Solitude: Loneliness is right of course. But tell me this Bro, how come you had that stupid grin on your face when she came and sat down at your table?
Me: She came to the table because most of her classmates were seated next to me. So don’t go making some big dealt out of it. It’s not as if she was going to ignore them.
Solitude: That may be, but you avoided the question, Bro.
Loneliness: Yeh, dude you totally did. Then there was her invitation to attend the charity student fashion show in the evening, wasn’t there?
Me: Yes along with about a thousand other people. What’s your point?
Solitude: Just that only a couple of months ago, you wouldn’t have even considered the possibility of attending. And there you were during the evening eyeing her up while she was all kitted out and strutting her stuff on the catwalk.
Me: That was the purpose of the fashion show wasn’t it?
Loneliness: Sure,but you did think she looked hot in those outfits.
Me: And the other models on the catwalk looked hot too. So what you driving at man?
Loneliness: Nothing.But I do think you protest too much – for a reason.
Me: And that would be?
Loneliness: Dude,you were totally checking out that wiggle in her walk when she wore those tight shalwar kameezes on the catwalk.
Me: Models are supposed to exaggerate the swing of their hips. Besides, it’s basic biology and I’m made of flesh and blood not made of stone. So don’t go getting all aerated.It didn’t mean anything.
Solitude: You’re right, it doesn’t mean anything – at least by itself.
Me: And what’s that supposed to mean?
Solitude: It means you’ve been hanging about the university library every day on the off-chances he might come by.
Me: I happen to be in the library to work. I’m studying for my Ph. D if you’d forgotten.
Solitude: Anyone else and they might just believe you, but you’re talking to your two best buds,man. No need to spin it so much.
Loneliness: Tell me how you spin the fact that you accepted the free ticket to see that movie with her.
Solitude: You’re both totally into each other, Dawg!
Me: Would you two quit already! Stop making a big deal of everything. I was among the group of them talking about the reviews of the movie. They were all going to see it, and when one of them dropped out, she suggested I ought to have the spare ticket.
Loneliness: Are you listening to yourself? Because you so full of crap.
Me: I am not –
Loneliness: Dude,you’ve got to stop deluding yourself. Maybe she has Daddy issues or something but there’s no denying she’s interested in you, even if you are an old man.
Me: That’s enough!
Solitude: My best bud Loneliness is right about her being into you. The worst part though is that you keep denying you have the hots for her.
Me: Nonsense.
Solitude: You see her and your old ticker skips a few beats. You notice how she ties her hair, what top she’s wearing, how she laughs, her infectious smile -
Me: With you clowns,one plus one miraculously equals five.
Loneliness: If it doesn’t it’s only because you’re afraid of being unfaithful to the memory of ‘she who owns your soul’.
Me: Would you stop with the ‘she who owns you’ crap. I do still love her, even though we broke up 18 months ago.
Loneliness: You only think you love your lost friend.If you love her, close your eyes and describe exactly how she looked. Can’t do it, can you?
Me: That’s not fair and you know it!
Solitude: Is it really?
Me: Just stop, the two of you. Why can’t either of you just accept she’s the only one I ever wanted to be with.
Loneliness: Yeh, but sometimes when you can’t be with the one you love, you need to love the one you’re with. Embrace it, Bro. Don’t fight it so hard.
Me: Who’s fighting?
Loneliness: You are. If you’re not denying she stirs you, you’re comparing her to a fantasy image of ‘she who owns your soul’ and as the new girl she can never win.
Me: She wasn’t a fantasy. She was real.
Solitude: Yes,Bro, but you sanitised the memories, leaving behind only the good times to feed off. So stop being so judgmental about the new girl being too young and stop denying she gets your engine running. The girl’s clearly interested in you, old man. So go for it!
Me: She’s not interested in me. She’s just being polite and friendly.
Loneliness: Pakka anari hain tu! Why would she invite a post-graduate to accompany her to see the new Aamir Khan film?
Me: Yes, along with four of her young friends. It’s not exactly what you’d call a date.
Loneliness: Dude,you’re forgetting she’s constrained by cultural norms. You’ve been out of the game for so long, you’ve forgotten how to read the signals.
Solitude: Yeh, like her sitting next to you and saying loudly to her friends you were a sort of chaperone in case any of the other lads got any funny ideas.
Me: She was jesting.
Solitude: No,she was sending out a signal, like when she rubbed your arm and said, “I trust you to protect me from these young wild men”.
Loneliness: And don’t forget that lingering smoky look in her eyes when she said it.
Me: Stop it! The both of you.
Loneliness: Look,Dude, deep down you know fine well you stopped being lonely the day you set eyes on her. I’m not needed around here anymore.
Me: Yes you are.
Loneliness: It would be healthier if you needed her more than me, Dude. So last piece ofadvice: make a move to let her know you’re interested.
Me: Main bewafaa nehi hoon.
Solitude: You can’t be unfaithful to someone who broke up with you.
Me: Maybe, but that’show it feels.
Solitude: Get over it Bro, because life is long and boring without a little masti.
Me: So I should just forget the major love of my life? Is that what you want me to do?
Solitude: No,not forget, but move on as opposed to being stuck in the past.
Me: Well, I can’t. To be honest, I’m scared – of getting hurt again.
Solitude: Aah, some honesty at last. Nothing wrong with being scared, but it shouldn’t stop you doing what needs to be done.
Me: But I really don’t know what to say to her. Can’t even be sure she isn’t just being kind and considerate. When she realised money was a bit scarce for me, she convinced her parents to hire me to tutor her younger brother in biology.
Solitude: Seriously dude, you gotta cut the crap. The sign is writ large if you know how to read.She’s signalling she wants to be around you, to make a connection.
Me: You’re reading far too much into it. It’s just a friend helping out.
Solitude: No,dude. You’re so dumb you don’t even see she’s recycling a story line from oneof the old Bollywood films.
Me: What film?
Solitude: Lookout, dude. Here she comes, headed straight towards you.
Me: But what do I say?
Solitude: From here on, you’re on your own, Buddy.
She smiled at me from across the 20 feet that separated us. Her smile lit up the room and an unfamiliar spark of happiness welled up inside of me. She was beautiful, sexy and smart. I couldn’t deny that any longer.
“Hi, Zahid. What you up to?”
“Headed to the cafeteria for a coffee, then back to my studies.”
“I’ve got a lecture in 15 minutes.”
Disappointment stabbed my heart. Loneliness and Solitude were friends but such misguided fools.
“But before I go, my Mum sent this for you,” she added handing me a Tupperware box.
“Thanks, but what is it?” I asked genuinely puzzled.
“Suji ka halva with lots of badaam and kishmish. You mentioned in conversation how much you loved it.”
“Thanks. She made it just for me?” I asked both surprised and pleased at the generosity.
“Technically speaking, she didn’t make it, but she did want you to have it,” she explained with a slightly conspiratorial smile.
“So, if she didn’t –“
She faltered for a second with embarrassment.
“Actually I was the one who made it - under her direction, you understand.”
Her embarrassment grew, and she looked away momentarily, but in that instant my heart melted.
“I’m sure it’ll taste delicious,” I commented. “As good as your mother’s cooking I bet.”
More embarrassment and blushing on her part but she still managed to say, “Would you believe it, but Mother says it better be as good as her at cooking, or I’ll never catch a decent husband.”
At that both of us laughed, at first nervously and then whole heartedly.
“Look, I must run. The lecture won’t wait,” she said turning away to leave.
I clutched her arm to stop her departure. I wanted her to stay, but I couldn’t say that, so instead I muttered “Sajda, thanks for the halva. Give my salaams to your Mum and Dad.”
“I will,” she replied and she turned gracefully and walked away.
And as she did,I watched her every move, the sensuous sway of those hips, the swish of her long coal-black hair. I knew then for certain that only one word described my behaviour. Bewafaa.
(The End)
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