SUKHI -Part 4

SUKHI - Part 4

When they were together at weekends, they never ran out of things to talk about. However Sukhi held back from talking to him about the doubts bubbling in her mind. To her mind it was glib to say they were together because they loved each other. Could it be that they clung to each other because each of them was scared to be lonely. She had no family to speak of in Leicester. She felt like an orphan. Neither was there any Indian community in Cambridge to affirm her identity or support her emotionally. Cambridge had lots of white faces that gawked at her as if she was an alien from another planet. She sometimes thought harbouring such doubts undermined their relationship. However there was no denying that seeing Pervaiz at weekends was the only thing that made her life bearable. That and her fortnightly visit to her home city was a life-line for her sanity. It was scary to imagine what life might be like without him. She took considerable comfort in the fact that at least one person in the world loved her. Despite that, deep down she felt that life had cheated her in some ways.

Falling in love with him was never in her control. Love like the weather had its own mind and rhythm. Even the possibility that they would become this close had never crossed her mind when they were initially getting to know each other. And it all had happened despite her initial unwillingness to become involved with him. Some unfathomable chemistries had somehow and for some reason come into play. Not even the cleverest minds on the planet knew why people fell in love, she told herself. Perhaps it was easier to concede that despite the brain's lack of cooperation, the heart wants what the heart wants and leave it at that. It's not as if she could do anything about it this late in the day. But Sukhi did feel cheated because when she had lived in Leicester she had greater expectations of their relationship. If she hadn't moved so far away perhaps those expectations would have been realised by now. It seemed she had now settled for what felt like less. To her mind, progression in their relationship had stalled. Why couldn't she have what so many couples in love had a place to call their own, marriage and in time, children?

The frustration was she was afraid to openly share these thoughts with him. She feared raising such matters might scare him and precipitate a break-up. She didn't feel capable of surviving such an event. Even if she did try to raise her anxieties and concerns Pervaiz would probably retreat behind his humorous persona to avoid conflict. Why couldn't he be more like other guys that get angry and shout and get it out of their system? At least in that way she might understand how he felt about the matters that taxed her emotionally.

When at an emotional low ebb, she often blamed herself for her situation. Painful as it was to admit, her mother was right about her. She was a stubborn young woman, at times over zealous. If she hadn't insisted on taking the job in Cambridge, at least they would have been together all the time. While marriage might have been only a mere possibility, at least they would have been living under the same roof. But now, with her here in Cambridge and Pervaiz about to apply for the promotion he had been waiting for, she couldn't see any resolution in the near future to their difficult living arrangements. She blamed herself for that.

The Sunday evening meal was over and they were snuggled up on the settee enjoying their last hour or two together before he had to return to Leicester. No matter how often those goodbyes occurred they were never easy. Because of that a sort unwritten rule had come into play. Nothing serious or potentially upsetting was discussed. Certainly nothing that could jeopardise their relationship was ever raised. They often just revelled in each other's company and in small talk about office gossip and movies. This evening they listened to and at times sang along to classical Bollywood songs.

When the song ''Bindiya Chamke Gi'' started to play, as if suddenly remembering something he had forgotten to do, Pervaiz excused himself for a moment and went off into the bedroom. She paused the music and waited for his return.

He emerged from the bedroom a moment or two later and came back towards the settee. Only when he asked her to close her eyes did she notice he had one hand behind his back, hiding something.

While she did close her eyes, she couldn't help saying "I love that you buy me beautiful and thoughtful gifts, but Jaan had bhi hota heh.

He ignored her gentle admonition and placed something on her lap and then told her she could open her eyes.

She found herself gazing down at a red velvet box measuring six inches square by three inches deep. Her mind was in a whirl wondering what was inside.

"Well, are you going to open it or stare at it all night? he prompted.

When she did lift the lid of the box what she saw made her gasp in surprise and delight.

As though by way of explanation, he sang some of the lyric of the song they had been listening to earlier. "Bindiya chamkegi, chudi khankegi but she had already made the connection.

"Jaan, the chudiyaan are beautiful. One gold bangle would have been enough, but six is excessive, don't you think?

"More to the point, do you like them?

"How could I not like them? she said picking one up and examining its design. "The style is not one I've ever seen before. You must have paid a small fortune in the Golden Mile, she added, referring to the famous street in Leicester that specialised in Asian jewellery shops.

"They're not from the Golden Mile, but from Pakistan. There's an important story behind them.

She stopped admiring the bangles for a moment to look at him and smile.

"I realised a while ago Jaan that nothing you buy me is a simple present. There's always a story behind every gift. That's why even the least expensive gifts you've given means so much to me. I'm sure the story behind the bangles will be as special as they are. Though, knowing you, I'm sure you didn't on the spur of the moment on a Sunday night decide to give me these exquisite bangles. There has to be a lot more to behind it.

"These bangles belonged to my mother. They were part of the dowry my father gave her.

When she heard that she felt overwhelmed, he eyes shone with tears. Exclaiming "Oh Jaan, she wrapped her arms around his neck.

He revelled in the embrace for a few moments before he pushed her back.

"There's more to the story, my love.

"Tell it to me then.

"The gold bangles are a promise, a down payment if you like.

"I don't understand. A down payment for what?

"My mother wanted the chudiyaan to go to her bahu.

It took a moment for the significance of what he had said to sink in. If she understood him correctly his gesture was as astounding as it was unexpected. She was in a state of disbelief.

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?

"Jaan, I want us to get married. The bangles are the first instalment of your dowry to prove that I am serious and not just stringing you along.

A gamut of emotions coursed through her: joy at the proposal of marriage; gratitude for his generosity; excitement about soon having her special day; panic about planning a wedding and overwhelming love for him. It was only when she took a deep breathe to centre herself and a moment to think that a troubling thought intruded. It was a problem that marriage could not solve.

He noticed the change in her mood, as the wide happy grin on her face morphed into a worried look. That sudden change in her scared him more than he realised.

"What's wrong, Sukhi? You're not turning me down are you?

She looked down at her lap because she didn't want to look into his eyes when she answered him.

"No, I'm not turning you down. But I'm also not saying yes.

"What does that mean? I was certain you wanted us to get married as much as I did. But clearly I was wrong.

When she heard the disappointment and tinge of bitterness in his voice, she realised she would have to explain herself better.

"If we do get married I won't have us living apart.

"I feel the same.

"But the problem is I've just got the hang of this new job and it's not fair to ask me to quit now.

"I'm not asking you to quit your job, Pervaiz reassured her.

"You're not?

He shook his head.

"Well, what about your application for the Deputy Director post? With your job in Leicester and mine in Cambridge, it looks to me we'll be living apart most of the week. It won't really be a marriage will it?

"There's one major flaw in your logic.

"And that would be?

"I won't be applying for the Deputy Director's post.

To Sukhi his decision was as unexpected as it was surprising.

"When did you decide that?

"A few days ago.

"You could have mentioned that earlier.

 "Sorry about that. More to the point, there's nothing tying me to Leicester any more.

"Oh that's wonderful news, Jaan! Finally we can live a normal life.

"It won't be a normal life but an extraordinary life. And that's a promise.

"Are you sure that a few years down the road you won't resent me for depriving you of your dream job?

"No, he replied without hesitation.

"I don't feel right about us starting our married life by you sacrificing your ambitions for my sake.

"I still have ambitions to apply for a Deputy Director's post but it's just that it won't be in Leicester.

"I know you don't make a habit of sharing your thinking but why didn't you talk about this sooner?

"I had to analyse my finances before I could talk to you about it.

"You mean to buy a house in Cambridge?

"There's also the cost of a wedding to consider. And I have to take into account I'll be unemployed while looking for a new job within commuting distance of Cambridge.

"Can you I mean, can we afford all that?

"Yes. I invested the money from the sale of my brother's mini-market business and Abbaji's estate. On top of that I'll have the money from the sale of the family house in Leicester. The mortgage is paid off and given its size, it'll fetch a very good price.

She was so overjoyed she flung her arms around him and couldn't stop the tears rolling down her cheeks. Dreams were soon to become reality. He had finally came through for her. But God, what a journey it's been to get here, she told herself.

However all too soon he brought up something that brought her crashing back from her ecstatic state to reality.

"I think now is the perfect time for you to mend the rift with your mother.

She pulled back from him, rubbing her wet cheeks with the back of her hands.

"Why did you have to ruin the moment by bringing up the subject of my mother?

"Our upcoming wedding is an opportune time to try to mend the rift with your mother.

"My wedding is not going to make any difference to how she feels about me.

"She might surprise you.

"I'm telling you now, when she learns I'm not marrying a Sikh she'll probably freak out. It'll only make things worse, if that's possible.

"Look, I didn't say it was going to be easy, but if you don't try, you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

When Sukhi remained unpersuaded, he asked "Wouldn't you like your mother to be at your wedding?

"Doesn't every young woman want her parents at her wedding? My mother on the other hand is not going to change.

"While there's the remote chance that she might attend, it's worth a try. I'm not Sikh but at least I'm a Punjabi. Surely that's got to count.

"I wouldn't bet on it.

Pervaiz was not deterred by her negativity.

"You also forget that when you two fell out, she was only trying to do her duty by you to see you married. When you frustrated her carrying out her responsibility she lashed out at you.

"I didn't know you qualified in psychoanalysis.

He ignored her sarcastic comment and continued with the thread of his reasoning.

"Being married will give you status within your community and mine. We'll no longer be scandalous lovers. You'll be respectable. Your mother will feel her task has been completed, even though she had little to do with picking your partner. Am I making any sense to you?

"Unfortunately yes, she grudgingly admitted. "But what if she refuses to attend the wedding?

"Then your conscience is clear and you'll know exactly where you stand with your mother. You invited her to the wedding but she refused to attend, so the blame will lie squarely with her. So what d'you say?

"I think I dislike you when you're so smart and sensible.

"Is that a yes then?

"Let's just say, I'll think about it.

"I suppose it's better than an outright rejection of the idea...Well now that my job here is done, it's time I headed back to Leicester, Pervaiz announced.

"Are you serious? You're leaving now?

"Yes. If I leave now I should reach Leicester at around midnight.

"For someone who thinks he knows all about romance you really are an anari, Sukhi commented letting her exasperation show. "Clueless, if you ask me, she added for good measure.

"What d'you mean?

"You can't just drop a marriage proposal in my lap and then immediately slink off into the night.

He realised his announced departure was inappropriate so decided to have a little fun with her to deflect from that.

"Why can't I go home to Leicester?

"Because that's no way to treat your wife-to-be is why not.

"How can you say you're my wife-to-be when technically speaking you haven't actually accepted my proposal of marriage?

"Jhoota.

"I'm not a liar. A hug no matter how heart-felt does not constitute a binding agreement.

"What should I have said, Janab? she mocked.

"You're supposed to say shaadi qabool heh.

"Shaadi qabool heh. There, I've said it. Now will you stay?

"Maybe.

"Jaan, I need you to be close to me tonight.

"Anything to keep the missus happy, he quipped. "You know what they say don't you?

"What?

"Happy wife, happy life.

 

(The End)