MauNalFanfic- Kunal's POV.
Today wasn't just another day at the clinic. It was endless.There was an added element of anticipation. I kept shifting back and forth inmy seat. There were no more patients waiting to be seen. Finally, I looked atmy watch. It was time. I slowly got up. My heart was starting to beat faster. Igot into my car. I had to go home. I took the lift and reached my apartment.Various hazy flashbacks clouded my mind, ones I didn't wish to acknowledgeanymore. I entered the house. There wasn't much left to pack. Pari's clothes,some of my books and clothes, and some random items. I threw them into asuitcase. I did a last check to make sure nothing important was left behind. Iclosed the door one last time and headed down.
I still couldn't believe this was truly happening. I wasmoving back home, permanently. I would never leave home again for anyone oranything. The drive home felt like the longest one I'd ever taken. There wasn'tmuch traffic but I wished I could exceed the speed limit. I couldn't. I didn'twant to get arrested and ruin this day. Finally, I was home. I took out my 2suitcases and made my way home. The door was already open for me.
"Buddy! Did you remember to bring my pink teddy bear? Pariasked me. She popped her head from behind the door.
"Pari, you should be sleeping right now... I said. She smiledand I couldn't help it but smile back. Maa came out.
"Is that all of it, Kunal? She asked. She helped me.
"Yes, Maa...that's it. There's nothing left. I said.
"Good. She said.
"Maa, where are they? I asked. Maa knew well who I wasasking about.
"Mishti's at her friend's birthday party, Kunal. She'll behome in a few minutes. Mauli's bringing her home. She said. She patted me onthe shoulder and left.
I was staying in the guest room. I went there and changed. Iunpacked. After that I helped Pari hang her clothes in her new room with hersister. Pari was less of a child and more of a human bouncing ball tonight.This was the happiest I had ever seen her since the day she was born.
"Oh, my...look at her. Dida said. I turned around and smiledat Dida who smiled back.
I sat near Dida and she took my hand in hers. "You've givenher the world, literally, Kunal.. She said. I looked at Pari who was making apainting for Mishti.
"I'm just so happy to see both my daughters together andhappy...I promise to never be a reason for their unhappiness, theirincompleteness ever again. I won't let any harm come to them. I said. It wasmore a promise to myself which I spoke aloud.
"I know, Kunal...but happiness awaits you as well. Tomorrowmorning, everything will be ok again. She said. My heart skipped a few beats.
I didn't reply.
"I can read your eyes, puttar...I know you're scared. I knowyou feel unworthy. I know you think that this is all a dream...I know it's allbeyond your imagination. Maybe it's beyond everyone's imagination, Kunal. Butnot mines. I knew this day would come. I had faith. She said. I kissed herhand.
The doorbell rang. "It must be Mauli and Mishti. I said
"Go open it, Kunal... Dida said. I gulped. I did as she told.I opened the door. Mauli was on the phone.
"No, just once a day...not twice...if you have any side effectslet me know. I have to go now, Mrs. Khan. She hung up.
"Hi Mauli... I managed to say without choking on my ownsaliva.
"Hi Papa! Mishti replied. My attention went to my daughterwho extended her arms. I lifted her and kissed her forehead. "Hey,sweetheart...someone looks happy. I said. She rested her head againstmy shoulder.
I could feel Mauli's gaze on me. "Happy but tired... Maulisaid, with a laugh. "We better put the kids to bed soon, Kunal. It's late. Theyshouldn't be up this late.
I nodded. Mauli walked in and I followed her with Mishti inmy arms. My mind replayed her words and the word we' pleased me to no end. DidI mention how beautiful she looked? I didn't. She was in a simple white dresswith a ponytail. "Where's Pari? Mauli asked.
"I think Dida made her sleep. I said.
"Good. She said. I realized that Mishti was alreadysleeping.
"Mishti, time to go to bed... Mauli said, in a very excitedvoice.
"Shhh, Mauli...she's sleeping. I said. A warm smile spreadacross Mauli's face. "That's even better. Let's take her to bed. She said. Shecarefully opened the door to the kids' room. Pari was indeed sleeping. Mauli wasthe first to give my little buttercup a kiss, and then another, and thenanother.
I placed Mishti next to Pari. Her little hands weren't readyto let go of my collar. "We'll meet in the morning, angel... Mauli watched mecarefully whenever I was with both the kids. It wasn't a critical observation.She had a slight smile on her lips. I kissed Mishti, who was my exact replicain way too many ways.
"I keep trying to find myself in her face but I have to handit to you Kunal, you've stamped her with your traits through and through...Mauli whispered. We left the room and carefully closed the door. She gave me aplayful grin.
"Stamped her with my traits...hopefully the good ones... Ireplied her. I knew Mauli was teasing me but I replied a little more seriouslythan I wanted to, but I couldn't help that. I didn't mind that my daughterlooked like me and inherited some of my habits but I sincerely wanted her to beas good a woman as Mauli.
"I'm going to let you do the parenting, Mauli...she's a littletoo much like me. I said.
"Kunal... Mauli said, in a concerned way. She rubbed my armgently. "You've done a beautiful job with Pari. You know that. She said.
"I know but... I sighed. I didn't know what else to say.
"I'm ready to turn the page now, Kunal. She said. We werestanding on the balcony. It was a warm and windy night. She didn't make eyecontact with me as she said this. Her voice shook ever so slightly, but Inoticed. I knew she'd have tears in her eyes as well. Her hair was blowing so Icould only see the side of her face and couldn't look into her eyes. Her wordsput me slightly at ease, enough to do something I'd rarely done since the icehad begun to thaw between the two of us. I moved closer to her and fixed herhair behind her ears. As soon as she looked up, I moved back a few inches,afraid of rejection, afraid of what I'd see in her eyes. I couldn't quite letgo of that fear. I still couldn't believe that I had the chance to be with heragain after everything I'd done to her. I could not believe that she loved me,that she could still love me.
I was right. She had tears in her eyes. The fear I felt wasreflected in her eyes too. There were many doubts, questions, and insecurities.I looked down again instinctively to avoid her piercing, questioning eyes. Ididn't have the proper words to answer her words. I was the same guy who usedto talk and express everything he felt for Mauli day and night. She knew Iwasn't the same anymore. I probably loved her now more than I ever had. Idefinitely loved her more than myself. I just couldn't express it so freelyanymore, at least not in words. I knew I slowly needed to learn how to do thatagain. I tried to express through my actions, which luckily everyone seemed tohave understood.
I took a deep breath. I had to fill the silence, if not withwords than with some meaningful gesture. "Don't over think it. Don't holdback. I told myself. I wasn't doing anything wrong this time, I knew that. Iwas afraid, insecure in some ways, broken in many others. Still, my trauma wasin no way comparable with hers. I took her hands in mines and moved closer toher.
"Is this what you really want, Mauli? You don't have to doanything just to keep the family together we're both grown ups. We can raise our kids with or without goingthrough with this. " I said. She looked sideways.
"I just want to make sure that you're not doing anything outof pressure. I said.
She shook her head. "I'm not, Kunal. I know what I'm doing.There's no pressure. But what about you? Are you happy? Even when I'm readingyou, I cant quite be sure that I'm reading you right. You've changed a lot. Idon't mean this in a negative way but you've changed tremendously. You don'ttalk much. Sometimes you don't even laugh. You only open up in front of thekids. Are you doing this for them? sheasked.
I was. I was doing this for them, for Mauli, for Maa andDida first and foremost. I wouldn't be able to go through with this if it wasjust for myself. I wasn't that selfish anymore.
"So, you are... she said. She pulled her hands away.
My heart sank. I sighed. I could feel my palms sweating. Iwas nervous.
"PLEASE, don't get me wrong, Mauli. I know I've changed butI promise that this Kunal would never hurt you. I'd...I'd rather die. Isaid. That was it. I couldn't speak beyond that. My throat felt dry. My eyesburned. I was doing my best to keep it together. I turned away from her.
"Mauli, I just don't deserve you. I whispered.
"Kunal, decide what you want tonight. Mauli said. I couldhear her footsteps as she turned and walked away. Something inside me told meto stop her immediately.
"Wait, Mauli...please, don't go. Stay...please stay. I promiseto stay too...forever this time. I said. Her eyes widened.
"What do you hope for, Kunal? What are your innermostdesires? I've played this game...it nearly made me lose myself. I finally had toconfront myself and what I wanted. Now it's your turn.
It was so hard for me to open up and let out my innermostfeelings for her. Why was it so hard? The 6 years, the trauma, shame and guilt had changed my personality. It was nearlypainful for me to admit that I even had any desires of my own. How could Iclaim her?
"If you want then we can cancel everything, Kunal. We cantell Dida. We can just live together and co-parent the girls. She said it witha lower, more hopeless tone. I could sense the sadness. She sounded like shewas about to give up.
"But...I cant live this way anymore, Mauli. I don't want to.I said. She looked confused.
"What do you want then? Really?
This was it. Life wasn't going to give me another chance ather. "I want you to be my wife. I said. My voice shook. My hands weretrembling at this point. I didn't look into her eyes. "I want to marry you,Mauli... I said.
Her eyes were wide with shock and something else, perhaps aglimmer of hope, of life. Was that the old Mauli I just saw for a second ortwo?
"It's so dark, Mauli. It's been so dark...for years. I haven'tseen the light...it's gotten dimmer and dimmer. Pari became the hope, but there's still been so much darkness. SometimesI used to fear that ...it will grow into this big cloud and devour that childright up the way it was devouring me...day and night... I said. I wasn't sobbingbut tears began to stream down my face. I had no control over them.
"Kunal...what do you mean? she asked. She stepped closer. Sheheld me by the arms.
"I broke you and I have no right to say this...but, pleaseMauli...take me out of this darkness. I want to...be myself again. I want to fixeverything. I want to give some meaningto your pain...to the love we shared. I want to prove to you how real it was andhow real it is. I want to show you what's inside of me. My words wont beenough. I've gotten used to not sharing my feelings with anyone. Pari is toosmall and there was no one...no one else.
Mauli seemed astonished. Her mouth was slightly open. Tearsbegan streaming down her cheeks as well.
"I began to lose myself little by little the further I wentfrom you until eventually I just couldn't recognize myself anymore...I lookedinto the mirror and I didn't know who I saw...I said.
"Kunal, I just want to know...do you want this from yourheart? she asked.
I nodded. "Heart, soul...I can let you go if you want to. I canlet you go for any reason...but I'll never be complete...ever...
A smile spread across her tear stained face. "I just need tohear one more thing... she said. Her eyes were overflowing with emotions. Myheart beat faster. I had spoken my heart out already. I'd confessed and saidthings I never imagined saying to her again. I was sure of it this time. Asscary as it was, I could do anything for her happiness, even if it meant I'dhave to let go of the tight grip I'd had around my emotions for years now.
She was eager to hear it. I was so nervous and scared. Whatif she rejected me? What if I was dreaming? What if I died right here and wasnever able to speak the words she was waiting to hear?
"Mauli...I...I... I paused. She was so sensitive. My pauses, my fidgeting, my nervousness, myunease, all affected her. Once again she was putting her heart and happiness inmy hands.
"I love you...I love you, Mauli. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH. I said.Sobs threatened to overtake me but I managed to control. My entire frame shookwith emotion which I'd been carrying with me for so long. "Be with me, stay with me again... Iwhispered. That was it. She wrapped her arms around my neck and nearly toppledme over. Nearly, though. I still kept us both on our feet, somehow. I smiledthrough tears.
I held her as tightly as I could and it still didn't feeltight enough. It was a while before she moved. I could feel her tears againstmy neck.
"I missed you, Mauli...I said.
She finally moved a few inches away from me and we both lookedinto each others eyes. She looked relieved and unburdened after so long. I ranmy fingers though her hair. I could feel emotions the likes of which I hadn'tfelt in years. They were more powerful than ever. I had o doubt that I loved her and that I'd give mylife for her.
I felt grateful to God. I was blessed to have this chance. Ilooked at my watch. It was 2am. Oh, blessed hour. I'd seen many 2 ams but none like this one.
yanks282019-04-14 09:35:04
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