I'm watching you.
I'm watching you. Is that you? Are my thoughts and my wishes addressed only to you? That worries me. I want to see you, but I'll see you. I do not want to wake up tomorrow and think I did not see you. I'm looking at you ... Again that feeling that I was wrong somewhere. We have been together for so long but still I have the feeling that I miss something, something I need. Something I do not see or feel. I love you, I know that, but I feel that this is not it. My confusion is getting bigger as days pass, and I can even say months now and a year. Did I feel I could love somebody else? Yes. And that feeling of emptiness when I sit next to you and when I watch you play with our son .. A thousand questions, and no answer.
How many of us do we know ???
Do I know you, you as my beloved as someone I used to know before and who is still around me. That's what worries me. They say that a man can hide his or her rights 35 days from the other person, and us we are together for 10 years. Tens of years of life together, but somehow I feel that this is not my life. This morning I woke up next to you and thought; you, me and our son, who sneaked between us and who is all in this world and you and me. I see you two as strangers. Is everything okay with my brain What is happening to me ??? My son, whom I gave birth to and who, when he looks at me with his green cheek, can get everything, but that feeling of emptiness can not pass me.
Where I am, me. I have to do something. I need to see you to see myself. And I have to accept this reality. I live another life. I am not, I miss it.
I'm missing myself. That's the essence of all this. I do not see myself. When I am, I, then I will probably think of you too.
Do you remember the day you asked me? '
It was strange that I stopped for a moment, which I did not immediately answer. Now I know the reason. I was afraid I would lose myself and it happened. I lost myself. I've lost that part of myself that I miss so much. The most beautiful part of me. The part I admired and which you most enjoyed. A bit wild and at the same time full of enthusiasm and faith in something better and more beautiful. I loved to hang out, to travel with different characters, to enjoy life. I liked to walk barefoot on a hot asphalt as summer rain fell. To sing with society at a late hour outside my building and to play as little children between two fires. I miss it all now.
I see how our son grows up, but I do not see it as the childhood we had. I was both dumbfounded and I enjoyed that game for the kid, and he, now he is walking with us, rides a bike with us. There is no real childhood.
Do you know what it's to be free ??? I was free. Free as a bird and now ... Our son is not free. I keep it in the cage. I'm guilty about this. I do not want to scare. And my freedom is now somewhere far away from me. Now, with some fondness in my heart, I watch our son not to strike, not to hurt, and I think that's the reason I lost myself. I do not allow my child to be free. And that's why I lost myself and you someplace. We dedicated our careers to home and to the child, and we lost ourselves in all this. Not us, we are somewhere here, but we have lost ourselves. We would like to meet and this rest of our life will not pass us in search of ourselves.
I'm watching you. You slowly wake up, and at the moment I saw you and you can not see me again. You see what I'm projecting, but I do not have it. You can not see me.
Please, let's try to see each other. Although I love you more than anything in the world I'm lost and I need to see me.
PS. We will see ourselves once and then, at that moment, we will be the happiest love couple. And at that moment I will reliably release myself and my anxieties and our son to show that it is to live in freedom and be free. To that vision, goodbye.
For MIshal and Eisha
