Part 1
Jahaan tu muskuraaye
Khushi
stared at her phone, annoyed, sorely tempted to throw the useless thing against
the wall. It was not the fact that Arnav was with his girlfriend that sparked
her annoyance so. Please, she was not the clingy, possessive kind! The mere
thought made her gag. What annoyed her was the fact that a mere emoticon from
him would have made the situation so much more bearable, and all of a sudden,
she could not just randomly drop him a text message without feeling guilty.
A year
ago, she could call Arnav at any time of the day or night, and he would be
there for her, invariably, ever so dependable, the bestest of best friends.
Yes, he might have berated her for waking him up at 3 in the morning. But he
would be there. That much, she knew for sure. And now...
It was
not Lavanya who had come between them, as one might think. What had come
between them was Khushi's own tendency to overthink through everything and
tiptoe around her own best friend. She was the one who had chosen to drift
away, to take extra care of the way she behaved around Arnav, so that Lavanya
would not feel insecure, so that he would not get confused again, so that
people would not say that she had created problems in her best friend's
relationship.
Since
when did she start caring about what people thought anyway? It was ridiculous!
When every inquisitive soul in the town suspected that Khushi and Arnav were in
love with each other, they had both rolled their eyes and expertly brushed away
the rumours. When their own parents had sat them down and tried to convince
them that they were made for each other, it had taken several minutes for them
to fight their laughter, and even days later, the memory of their parents'
solemn faces could send them back into fits of uncontrollable giggles. They had
never allowed anything to change their friendship or cause them to become
self-conscious.
The
sounds of her parents arguing were beginning to break through the bedroom door,
infiltrating the sanctity of her temporary haven. Khushi could not, for the life
of her, understand why two people chose to stay together, if only to continue
to make each other, themselves and others unhappy. She knew they did it for
her, for they loved her more than they disliked each other, but if anything,
that made her feel more guilty than grateful. Then again, for all her
pragmatism, she was not sure she would be able to handle a reality where her
parents had split up. Either way, she would always just be the messed up child
she had always been. There never would be an escape.
Her
thoughts were beginning to darken and swirl down into the unfathomable depths
of despair and depression. There was not a chance in hell that she would
get married and allow another unhappy child to be born out of an unhappy
marriage. Her parents would not allow her to become an actress, so she
would continue to drudge away behind that office desk until one day she would
have blended with the greying wallpaper.
Maybe
she could travel. If only she had it in her to just run away from the
small-minded town, the suffocating house, but she knew the guilt she would
subsequently feel would always stand in the way of true happiness. Maybe,
miraculously, her overprotective parents would themselves allow her, without
her having to be the ungrateful rebel that would break their hearts.
Wishful
thinking. Her thoughts held for a minute or so, but soon enough, even her
overly optimistic side had to scoff at the impossibility of her dreams.
She
diverted her mind back to Arnav. She had never told him this, but she thought
of him as her patronus, the one powerful force that could dispel every cloud of
depression, no matter how thick. She only had to think back to happy memories
that she had shared with him, to be filled with a renewed sense of hope.
But
all Khushi could think of now, was how things had changed between them, how
distances had crept in between them. She wished they were still at school,
without a care in the world. She wished she did not miss him so much that it
physically hurt. She wished he had never met Lavanya.
The
viciousness of her last wish surprised her. She reprimanded herself. How could
she even think of such a thing! Granted, she did not believe in the so-called
power of love to bring happiness to people. But Arnav did. He deserved to find
that happiness, and he had found it, with Lavanya.
The
least Khushi could do, was be happy for him, and make sure that she never,
ever, not even inadvertantly, allowed herself to come in the way of his
happiness.
She
remembered the conversation they had had, a few months ago, when he had
admitted that he did not think he loved Lavanya.
"I
am always comparing her to you, Khush," Arnav had said, "Always
trying to find you in her. But there's only one you."
He had
looked up at her, his liquid brown eyes poring into hers, searchingly.
"Why?"
Khushi had breathed, shocked.
"I
think I love -"
"Shut
up!" she had interjected, more aggressively than she had intended to,
perhaps.
Arnav
and Khushi's friendship had never been one characterised by politeness and
words of tenderness. It had begun with stealing each other's tiffin boxes and
pulling each other's hair. As they grew up, they may have stopped hitting each
other, but the sarcastic barbs subsisted as the natural mode of communication.
And yet, even though they said "shut up" to each other at least
twelve times a day, strangely, at that moment, Khushi could see a sense of hurt
cloud Arnav's face. She had softened her tone, before explaining to him that he
was merely getting confused because of the changes in his life.
"It
does not mean that you... that you love me, like, in that
way" she had continued, "See, the thing is that the line between
friendship and romantic love is very thin. Friends love each other, and every
romantic relationship is based on friendship anyway. So it's easy to confuse
one for the other. And since you are spending your time with Lavanya, when
previously you and I used to hang out all the tine, it's normal that you should
think of me at times. It will pass with time."
"You
really think so?"
"I
really think so. You're a nice guy, Arnie. Don't be unfair to Lavanya."
"I
don't want to be unfair," he had muttered, before dropping the subject.
They had
never brought it up again. But Khushi had resolved, since then, not to make
things difficult for Arnav. And so it was, that she had gradually drifted away
from him. It was the right thing to do, she reminded herself, before placing
her phone firmly back on the bedside table. She sought solace in the fact that
at least one of them would be happy. It was enough.
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