(Disclaimer: This is purely my imagination. Vyasji never elaborated on this, and thus my humble effort. Please forgive any deviations from the main topic. Hope you enjoy!)
When I had seen her for the first time, she was immersed in deep meditation. Even the scorching heat of Jaishtha had not been able to penetrate her senses. Her
lips moved. I went closer and listened. Yes! She whispered a soft chant each
moment. "Om Vishnave Namah" filled the air with a divine calm. I was
left speechless by the divine aura around the princess. I understood why Swami
had said, "You will know at once why I love her so much."
I had never seen such a beautiful maiden in my entire life. I was famous in the
three realms as the most beautiful woman on the earth, but she easily surpassed
me in all aspects of beauty. Still, I felt no envy. Her beauty reminded me of
my Swami when he was overcome with anger. I had once heard Shishupal saying
that she was too arrogant. But, he had entertained a misconception! This
serenity was not the ornament of an arrogant princess.
Maybe she had sensed my presence, as she immediately opened her lotus eyes and turned around. I had just opened my mouth to introduce myself, when she stopped me. Taking my hands into hers, she said, "I know you so well, Jeeji! Keshav has been telling me a lot about you!"
"What did he tell you?" I couldn't resist myself from asking. "He said that you were his nicest queen and the only person who he finds intelligent enough to grasp the underlined meaning of his words."
"Yeah, he does have a flair for words." This is why I love my Swami! He never praises me directly, but always ensures that the nice words reach me.
This was Draupadi, or Krishnaa as Swami always called her.
She could never sit still. Whenever she visited us, she would be either shooting down fruits with Anirudhha, or marrying off Charumati's little doll. She would also, at times ask my Lord to take her fishing in the sea. Whenever they went, they spent the day together and returned with no fish and a number of secret jests.
One day, she had a trifle over a dice game with Swami and stormed out of the palace ordering a chariot to be prepared for her immediately. I had stood at the balcony watching her glowing form disappear with the last rays of the burning sun.
Who knew, the next time I'd see her, I would see her burning just like the setting sun that day.
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We were cut off from the rest of the world when the Kaurav princes had insulted her so grievously. Swami and I had rushed to Indraprastha the moment the news reached us. But it had been too late.
Draupadi hadn't let any of us go near her that day. I had asked Subhadra to take away the children, while Devika Jeeji and I tried to calm her down. She was overcome by hysteria. Our hearts ached to hear her cries, but we had no words of wisdom of offer. Her pain was beyond everything. From time to time she screamed out names of people. Sometimes she called her father, and sometimes my Lord. And the rest of the times she just lay down and cried.
After sometime, I left her and went to Swami. He said, "Give her this letter. If she does not take it, stand beside her and read it aloud. Go!"
"Why don't you go? She's not listening to any of us."
"Rukmini, her dignity has been marred enough. I do not want to malign it any further by entering her private chambers at this time of the day."
"But,-"
"I know my dear. But the rumour? Have you forgotten what Shishupal had accused me of? I shall not fuel it by going to her now. Ask her to come and meet me."
Draupadi refused to take the letter, and so I read.
My dearest Sakhi,
I've failed you in the most miserable way possible. I wasn't here when you needed me the most. I can't forgive myself for this, and so can't you. But, I'd consider the weight of this sin lightening a bit if you come and meet me in our secret little corner in the garden.
Keshav,
The friend who's sorry.
She looked at me with reddish swollen eyes. I swallowed in fear. That was not the eyes of a normal person! She pushed me aside and ran.
Later that night Swami told me about their meeting. He said that she had stared at him for long time. Then, she had thrown her hands around him and burst into tears. She had cried for a long time before she composed herself to face the long thirteen years that lay ahead of her. "I couldn't say a single thing to console her, Rukmini, not a single word." He said. Even in the darkness I could see tears shining in his eyes. I held his hand, "She's a brave girl, Swami. She shall overcome all the troubles that lay ahead. Then, you are with her always. I know it were you who sent the divine clothes."
"Yes, she should."
"But, why didn't you tell her that you saved her? She must be thinking that you didn't help her at all!"
"She knows me very well Vaidarbhi. I don't need to tell her anything."
The next day, I again stood on a balcony, from where I saw her leaving. She turned back to bid me farewell. As the children shouted out wishes for a safe journey, she turned back to hide her tears.
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Thirteen years, is a long time indeed. In these years, I saw
many things. I saw my grandson playing with my nephews. I saw my son training
them into the best warriors of Aryavart. I also saw the childhood of five children
pass away without the loving touch of their parents.
But, I never did see such a face of determination, so grievously marked
with despair. We had heard that Sindhuraaj Jarasandh had tried to kidnap her in
the forest. Now, brother Bheem was telling how he killed Keechak. She had,
indeed, bore a lot in life. Unknown to us, there was a lot more to come.
I could no more see the cheerful and happy Krishnaa, but a more subdued and composed queen, who knew almost everything about everything. She no more needed a dictation over the daily chores, or a sweet scolding for eating less. She still flared up but occasionally, whenever her husbands would talk of a compromise with the Kauravs. She would say, "Have I endured so much for just five little villages? Do I not deserve more than that? Blood is what I want and I shall accept nothing less than that!" But as time passed she seemed to to be bending down before the odds that life posed to her.
The next blow came for her, when she learnt that her dearest Keshav was going to Hastinapur, not to declare a war, but to bargain for just five villages. She had stormed into out chambers, and uttered, "Even you, Keshav?" Just that. After that she had turned and left. She was not convinced even after Swami promised a war and the revenge.
That night, when we lay in our chambers, she shook me awake. She said, "Jeeji! I don't need my husbands. When Keshav returns, I'll tell him to declare a war on Hastinapur and defeat them." Generally I hated this topic, but I do not know what happened to me that night. Putting on a sarcastic smile I said, "Will that restore you dignity? What will you tell to people? Will you say that my husbands could not save my honour and thus I called my Sakha to fight it out for me?" She looked at me intently. A chill passed down my spine. Those were the same eyes I had seen that day when she had cried and struggled to break free as we took her to her room. Lost and despairing. Thankfully, after some time she seemed to recover. She said, "Maybe you're right Jeeji. I will have to win the war on my own. With just my husbands as my weapons. Keshav cannot help me this way." With this she turned back.
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A month had passed after the deadly war took place. Now the Pandavs hardly had time to visit us. Most of the time it was Swami who went to see them. Sometimes, brother Arjun would come, but Draupadi never came with them.
"It's been so long since I saw Krishnaa." I told Arjun one day. "So, why don't you come over one day?" said he. I said, "What about bringing her to Dwarka? Even she'll get some rest from her work as a Queen."
So, she came. But what did I see? She was no longer the world's most beautiful woman. There remained only a carcass of the burning beauty that used to lighten up my garden. I quickly went up to embrace her. "My sons, they're dead. Abhimanyu, gone. And, you call me here?" she said. Her voice was devoid of any emotions. "She has been like this ever since the war." whispered Subhadra. I could understand everything, but still I tried to sound cheerful, "But Draupadi, where's Parikshit? Didn't you bring him?" "No." came the answer in a stone-cold voice. Even after trying the whole day I couldn't find a shred of the old Draupadi left in the Queen of undivided Aryavart.
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When the long-hanging axe of Queen Gandhari's curse really fell upon us, I couldn't find a word for it. No! I hadn't understood what Draupadi had to go through, till today. The feeling which accompanied the fact that you have to fulfill your duties, even after losing every staff of your life, had been unknown to me. Swami gone, as I handed little Vajra to Daruk, I felt my eyes burning with an urge to cry, to break down in someone's arms. But, I could realize my last purpose in life was to fulfill my first and last duty as the Chief Queen of Dwarka, as I swiftly moved from one place to another, coaxing the weeping women and children into join the doomed voyage with Arjun.
I didn't know how much Satyabhama or Jambavati
understood as I led them into the forest. They must have guessed, when I showed
them the fire, and ordered them to enter the area and meditate. I couldn't
sense anything else thereafter. As the fire touched my body, a comment made by Draupadi
flashed in my mind, "Fire seems like a mother to me." But, it was not so with
us. It hurt, but we had to go through it. In my last moments,, I realized, Krishna and Krishnaa were same. Both, blessed with the same intellect, had the same questions, to which one created the answers, and the other kept searching for them. With my last breath did I
utter, for first and the last time, my husband's name, which was indeed shared
by his intellectual twin,
"Jai Shri Krishna!"
