Living the serenity prayer
Manya wanted to go meet "friends" in the evening. Ranjan had distant family in the vicinity but wasnt too keen to go
II spoke with Amma at school after she spoke with Akka
Unhappy about Akka's departure...
"She has a family... how long can I keep her here?" Amma sounded not too enthusiastic
"Can u go stay with her for sometime?" II asked
"Who will take care of Periappa and Appa?" Amma questioned
II nodded
"Baldie is sooo cute ma" II sighed
Amma laughed... "Yenn di? he has a name... Shubhang" Amma said with pride
"baldie makes him adorable... chinnoonda" (a tiny baby), making those shapes with his lips" II gushed
"How are you kanna?"
"I am good ma... I just eat and sleep" she chuckled
"Are things OK at work?"
"Umm... I guess... I only checked email" II mumbled
"enna plan? Have u spoken about time off? Soon u will be in the second trimester, end of third u will need time off" Amma spoke clearly
"I havent thought ma" II's belly churned
"Think about it kanna" Amma was trying to be patient
"Why cant I have it all ma?" II ranted frustratedly
Amma sighed
"I want the baby, I want to be with the baby, I want my job, and be able to do well at it, and take care of my FIL and you guys and be like Akka" II spoke somberly
"U can "do" it all raja, but there is only so much that will fit in a bottle u know" Amma advised "Life a oru container madiri paathuko" (look at it like a bottle)
"I wanted to get a Ph D, when I was doing M Phil when pregnant with Akka, Appa said "do it" at that time Periappa would be "shared". By the time Akka was
2 he came over permanently. Ph D? Pos Doc aa... onnum pannale. I didnt do a thing after" Amma sighed
II listened patiently
"U might have derived the ambition from me I suspect" Amma spoke softly "If I had a Ph D I could become a
Principal 8 or 10 years ago. Economics HOD is what I am destined to be" Amma said unemotionally. "I derive happiness from my kozhandaigal now (kids)"
"How did u know when to let go Amma?" II asked
"U dont kanna... when u start over exerting urself... tannaala sila vishayangal mudinju poyidum (by itself some things will end)
When Akka was 2.5 when there was a big show down with Tanjore Chithappa and and he refused to take him to Tanjore anymore, I was so stressed I couldnt enroll in Ph D that July,
I thought "seri Vandu school pohattum I will do it, let her start school" "And its 35 years since" Amma cackled cynically
"We should do Ph D together" II encouraged Amma
"where is the time sollu kanna? The NCERT text book is a nightmare, its own Ph D" "We are not even done yet, looks like it will be another year.
Its ironic the book is about Marginal Revenue and Marginal Cost... the curves dont seem to be intersecting" Amma used sharp wit
II's jaw dropped, she wondered how any woman could take everything in her stride
"After the book is published?" II offered
"By then Appa will retire no? This Finance Ministry extension is only for another year and a half by March 2017 we have to leave D II. Appa keeps saying
"Lets look for a house in Dwaraka or Rohini, we cant afford NOIDA or Mayur Vihar"
"Amma I DONT LIKE DWARKA" Ii whined "Its too far... its not posh like D II" she behaved like a snob
"Well... Appa is not 40, and Appa is not a politician, only two ways we can hang on to D II" Amma said cynically
"Vandu hopes I or Appa can help take care of bald... onnoda pesi pesi badlie daan varadu vayla... Shubhang (amma scolded herself for uttering baldie) until he goes to school, so I wud prefer living closer, but its out of reach raja" Amma spoke clearly
"Can u rent here?" II offered
"with pension and savings, we can afford a EMI, two bedroom in Vasant Kunj or Sheikh Sarai is in the 20 thousands" Amma reminded her
"University is so far from Dwarka, how will u go when u start Ph D?" Ii argued
Amma burst out laughing "Kanna... ennoda chakara katti.. (my sugar cube) how can I do Ph D da... BTW there is Metro to Vishwa Vidyalaya"
II "hmmpphhed"
"How do u have the courage to accept things u cannot achieve?" II's voice choked up
Amma cried too... there was silence at the other end
"Swamiya vendikko tannaala varum" she said softly (pray to God)
II cried quietly... not looking inside the living room... she didnt want Manny and Ranjan to see her cry
"Do u feel the urge to change or just keep on accepting everything?" II wanted to know the difference
"U shud want to change things kanna... wanting change is the driver of life... I didnt do Ph D but I made sure I wrote, and contributed to publications, I wrote in NCAER (Natl Council for
Applied Econ Research) they dont even look at anything written by people that not post docs, I made sure I wrote substantively and meaningfully" Amma said with pride
"there was no Internet or blogs or vlogs back then... the only way to be published was ink and paper... Appa was so apologetic, he fully suuported me. He didnt have to be apologetic" Amma said compassionately
"Hmmm" II nodded sniffling
"How could we abandon Periappa?" Amma asked
II nodded
"Did u never get upset with the way things turned out?" Ii asked
"Ofcourse not... I actually booked Periappa and my tickets a couple times to take him to Tanjore myself"
Amma said ashamed "I was not even 30 and I was a caregiver raja" "There was thatha paatti too" "U know"
II nodded
"Manya and what happened to ur FIl are all part of the trials you have to endure. If those didnt exist something else will. Atleast u dont have to worry about money or health" Amma reminded
"Yes" II nodded
"When the chithappas call now, I dont feel bitterness or anger or envy any more. I dont feel their wives got a "free pass" I did feel that 20 years ago when u
were young and we couldnt go to Madurai every summer because Periappa was with us. My parents havent seen you two as much as Appa's parents have, thats a fact.
We are so lucky with Vandu, we got to do delivery for both and got to keep her with us... her in laws are good people... Paati (Vandu's MIL) polambuva (she rants) but she has the
greatest regard for Vandu, for not abandoning them. My children have inherited my destiny, u will be responsible for elders in ur families" Amma said choking up again
"I could have wished for destinies like Chithappas wives' or Ambala Anna's wife" But u two are supposed to be care givers" "consider it a blessing" Amma reminded
comment:
p_commentcount