Chapter 42: The Refusal
...would you please marry me...
...my answer is No...
...No...
Arnav couldn't believe his ears. Stunned, he was frozen for a
few seconds as Khushi's NO rung in his ears. His breath was stuck in his lungs
and his eyes cracked with the realization dawning on him - she didn't
want him. She wouldn't choose to be with him. Nothing he could do would
ever suffice.
That couldn't be true - a part of his heart screamed. Everything
over the last several weeks - her care, her support, her trust, her affection,
falling inhibitions - everything that he was sure symbolized
love simmering under the surface came back to him at once. How could he be that wrong?
But of course, he couldn't scream his protest out aloud. That
was, after all, the promise he'd made himself long ago. It had to be her
choice, her decision. His hands slipped away from hers and fell down
lifelessly as he slipped back on his legs and shut his eyes tight, trying to
take stock of the ruins of his hopes and dreams, trying to - somehow - find a
way to keep breathing even if there wasn't a point any more.
***
She saw it.
She saw the blood in his eyes as soon as she uttered her No.
Immediately, a deep regret flooded her followed by a sharp ache that choked her
breath. As his hands left hers and fell away, she felt stripped of her own
life-support and pushed into a lonely void so deep, she almost cried aloud. If
he hadn't shut his eyes at that very instant, he would have seen her leap
towards those hands, desperate to grab them back. A stifled sigh escaped her
lips as she tried to pull herself back with the rationalized echos of what she
had done and why. It had only taken a few moments and every inch of Khushi's
existence hated her for doing it - for causing so much pain to her Arnav, and
indeed, to herself - but the fact was, it was done. She had been
afraid of this choice for days now, pulled in two directions by her hopes and
her fears and deeply unsettled by the prospects of either losing Arnav or
stepping up and having him. Suddenly, the choice had sprung up in front of her
for real in a moment when stepping up felt impossibly scary. Reverberations of
Manorama's words from only a few minutes ago engulfed her. She was in the
kitchen, splitting her attention between Arnav's favorite nargisi
koftas and calming a mind that Anjali's insinuations had greatly unsettled,
when she had heard loud screaming and coughing from Manorama's room.
"...you brought a roadside characterless woman to my
house"
Her feet stopped at the door when those words hit her ear.
Roadside. Characterless. Her.
"I cannot believe you are justifying your mistress and
screaming at your Mami for her. She must be really good in bed..."
She could hear Arnav fighting for her, yet her eyes were fixed
on Manorama. On the hatred and disgust in her eyes, so different from the love
and compassion she had felt only minutes ago. Love which couldn't withstand the
dirty truth of her life. Compassion which was no longer available to her, now
that she was no more than a certified s**t.
"...you've found yourself another cheap, gold-digging
wh**e"
That's how the world saw her. That's how Manorama's neighbors
saw her - a pretty characterless thing trying to trap a rich divorcee. That's
how Manorama saw her too, despite everything else she had known about Khushi
the person over the past several weeks. That's how the world would always see
her.
Yes, that's not how Arnav saw her. But was it enough? More
importantly, was it fair to him? The burden of her past would always stain her,
but the more their lives intertwined, the more the stain would percolate into
his life, swallowing his happiness in its darkness. She knew - in her heart of
hearts, she was certain - that Arnav wouldn't care for that.
But could she let him pay that price? Would she be happy watching him live with
the cost of her taint? The questions were too many, the pain too intense and
fresh, doubts too strong, time too little and the choice - the choice that Arnav
gave her - too difficult.
And then, just like that, it was made.
Forced into a corner, she gave in to the doubts. She made the
rational choice. She couldn't be with Arnav. She shouldn't be
with Arnav.
But choices have consequences, and as she saw Arnav breaking
down in front of her, the weight of that realization pulled her down as well.
She slumped on her knees, next to Arnav, too afraid of the storm beneath his
hooded eyes.
"Arnav, please...please try to understand" she urged
desperately "I don't want to hurt you. I can't...I can't see you like
this...but..."
"...but you can't give me what I want" he completed
the sentence, opening his eyes, his voice quivering but stable.
"Arnav, I am sorry. It's killing me to see you in pain. But
you...you'd find someone else...someone much better...I can't..."she
pleaded, folding her hands in front of him.
"It's not about who I can find. I don't want anybody other
than you." He said holding her hands. Khushi looked away, not able to see
the desperate plea in Arnav's eyes.
"Arnav please...don't do this...please..." she pulled
her hands and stood up, turning away from him.
A couple of minutes later Arnav stood up. "I am sorry Khushi.
I shouldn't push you. As I said before, it's your choice. I asked what I had to
ask, but I am not going to take away your choice about your life like I and
others have done in the past. Just answer me one thing, please, if you can."
He held Khushi by the shoulder and turned her around, but she refused to look
up to face him.
"Do you..." his voice broke with the last shreds of
hope he could muster "did you ever...even a little...love me?"
Khushi felt her heart physically constrict inside her. She
turned away again as she swallowed the words forming in her throat.
Love...her love.
Her small, impure, tainted love. But love nevertheless.
Deep, all-consuming, insane love but love nevertheless.
Love that wanted her to turn and dig herself in Arnav's chest.
Love that wanted her to not care about anybody else in the world and simply
scream the fact that she couldn't imagine a life without Arnav - that he was,
for her, the very definition of love and happiness. Torn within, she took a
step ahead, moving further away from Arnav, but couldn't move no more as the
pull of his love wouldn't let her escape. Yet, her love was no match. Her love
would destroy Arnav's life that had already survived too much damage. And what
did she know about love anyway? Her mother's definition of love had given her
nothing but pain. Her father had only shown to her that love cannot withstand
the realities of life. And she herself? Hadn't she thought once upon a time she
loved Shyam? Hadn't she believed his words and gestures to be symbols of true,
everlasting love? Hadn't she even mistaken Arnav's feelings once before and
built a castle on the basis of her blind faith in him, only to realize that he
had contracted her for three months and had always planned on sending her back
when he had had his fill? No, she didn't blame Arnav for it. She knew and
trusted him with not even an ounce of suspicion that he did not want to send
her back to prostitution, and that he truly cared for her. It wasn't about Arnav
- everything he had done more than proved his intentions. It was about her. Her
lack of confidence in her own feelings. Her non-existent belief in love. The
lack of worthiness she saw in whatever it was she felt. It was too weak and
would never match up to what Arnav deserved. It would never be enough.
And despite all of that, it was still love.
So what could she answer Arnav? Did she have the courage to lie?
Did she have the courage to say the truth?
"I..."she uttered after several anguished minutes of
silence, then turned to face Arnav. "I..."she tried again, lifting
her eyes to see Arnav for the first time. The words choked inside her as she
saw disappointment wash over his face and before she could do something he
spoke up.
"I got my answer Khushi. Don't feel so guilty. That's not
what I wanted. It's my fate. I am sorry."
"Ar..."she whispered, her voice barely audible.
"It's fine. Leave it. Now let's go. We are not staying here
any longer." He swallowed his pain and walked towards the door. His
destiny had made its decision. Khushi's no and her guilt-filled silence had
told him what he needed to know and finally killed all hope he had been nursing
for weeks. He had just assumed, hadn't he, that just because Khushi was
grateful, nice and affectionate to him, she would harbor the same kind of
dreams he did. Who could blame her for not wanting to love and live with a man
who couldn't be loved by the woman who raised him, the brother who grew up with
him and the wife who took marital vows with him? Surely Khushi had no
intentions like them to take advantage of him and therefore, she had no
incentive to fake-love him like they had. She was honest and he needed to
accept that. She was too good for her. He didn't deserve to be her
life-partner.
Now, all he wanted to do was run into a dark corner and allow
the overwhelming pain to hit him. But not here, not in this house, not in front
of Khushi. He breathed deep to find some control.
"Arnav but Mamiji..."
"Mami would be fine." Arnav stopped and turned his
face towards Khushi. "I'll make sure there are enough people to take care
for her."
"But Arnav you can't...she's your family...I will go, but
you should stay..."Khushi protested, still rooted to her spot. This was
exactly what she didn't want.
"Arnav stop...this is your house...she'd be hurt...she
needs you...you can't do this for me...think of Anjali" she continued to
protest but he started walking towards the door again.
"And I am not going anywhere with you anyway. I don't want
to live with you any more. So you don't need to leave. You stay here, I am
leaving. You can't force me." She screamed in panic.
Arnav stopped, turned and crossed his arms. Khushi's
stubbornness combined with the emotional volcano inside him was making his
temper flare. Rather, anger seemed to be the only allowable, ventable emotion
right now to a broken Arnav.
"Fine. But this is London, not India. I brought you here,
so you are my responsibility." He said in a stoic tone.
"Arnav, please...I am sorry..."Khushi pleaded, tears
leaking her eyes, her tone different from the panicked screams of a minute ago.
"But Mamiji and Anjali are the only family you've got. You can't turn your
backs on them. Don't make a rash decision you'd regret, please."
"I don't have a family" he pronounced, silencing Khushi.
"I thought I had one, or at least a shot at one, but you just told me I
was delusional." His penetrating gaze into Khushi reminded her of Payal
and the bond she'd come to share with Arnav. They were a small
family, weren't they? Maybe, she could herself walk away from Arnav, but how
was she going to explain everything to Payal? The question stunned her into
silence as Arnav continued to talk.
"I don't shy away from my responsibilities. Anjali and Mami
would be taken care of. But nobody can hurt, harm or insult Arnav Singh Raizada's
friend and expect me to stand quietly." He said, stressing on the word
friend.
"You are still my friend, aren't you?" He spoke slowly
and seriously, in a tone that made it clear to Khushi that there was no room
for negotiation here. He wasn't going to stay back.
Stunned, all Khushi could do was nod.
"Then come. I'd ask the servant to pack our stuff and send
to the hotel. Tomorrow morning, we are going back to India. Then you can go
wherever the hell you want. I'd make sure you're taken care of too."
***************
Flight BA201 to Mumbai has been delayed by 3 hours. The flight
will now depart at...
"f**k" Arnav muttered under his breath. He had just
walked through security at the London Heathrow airport. He looked behind him, Khushi
was in a parallel security line, a minute away. Neither had spoken a word to
each other since they'd left Anjali's house, both lost in their own private
hell. He'd just waited in the car outside the hotel this morning and she had
shown up as per the note he'd sent this morning, slipping in the car quietly.
The intervening night had been painful, but now that those tears
had been shed, the silence was hurting more as neither had dared to look
straight at the other person in the last twelve hours. Staring at Khushi's sad
face as she picked up her purse and walked towards him, her eyes stuck on the
floor ahead of her, Arnav cursed himself for proposing to her. In his
delusional hope, he had completely destroyed whatever relationship they had.
Why, why, why did he open his mouth? Why did he tell Mami Khushi's truth, believing
that her exuberance over his intention to marry Khushi and her prevailing high
opinion of Khushi would be enough for her to develop the empathy needed to
understand Khushi's truth and accept her wholeheartedly? He was wrong - even
after living with Khushi for a month and knowing her so well, Mami hadn't
looked past a misappropriated label. Her insults had broken Khushi's heart, and
it was in a desperate bid to apologize that he had laid bare his heart.
Everything was great until last evening. Now, he was truly left
alone in his life, and to top it all, he could sense Khushi's guilt about not
being able to reciprocate his love as she sat next to him in the waiting
lounge. That guilt was enough to take away the scrapes of happiness with Khushi
and Payal he had found with so much trouble. He did not know what to say or do
any more but the vibes of Khushi's pain were surprisingly harder to bear than
his own pain at this moment. Suffocated, he stood up.
"I am going to check if there's an earlier flight they can
move us to." He said before walking away.
He was at the customer service desk 30 feet away when he felt Khushi's
eyes upon him. A side glance confirmed his feeling and the look of longing in
her eyes surprised Arnav. Suddenly, something Anjali had said last night on the
phone came back to him. Anjali had apparently come back home after they'd left
and discovered most of what had transpired. She had immediately called, urging Arnav
to return but he'd refused. She had also expressed anger at her mother's
behavior and told Arnav she supported him, Khushi and their love.
"Thanks Anjali. Khushi is not how..."
"I know bhai. I know her enough and more than that I trust
you and your choice enough. Don't worry about the past bhai. Don't even care
about what Mom thinks. She'd come around, and even if she doesn't, don't let
her orthodoxy ruin your happiness. Your happiness lies in each other. Marry Khushi,
bhai, and never let her go."
"She refused."
"What?"
"I asked her to marry me. She said no. She doesn't love
me."
"She's lying! Bhai, don't believe her."
"Anjali..."
"Bhai! I know you're hurting but think about it. She is
probably too hurt with what mom said. And then you left the house. I bet she
said no because she doesn't want to be the cause of your fight with mom and she
knows you'd choose her over mom if mom doesn't accept her. Go back to her and
force her to admit she loves you."
"Anjali, let it be. I told her how I felt and I gave her
the choice. It's her life. There's too much history between us for me to force
her. I cannot build a relationship on force. If she loved me, she would
have...I told her I loved her and she said no. That means I am not good enough
for her."
"Bhai..."
"Anjali please. I want to stay alone for some time. You
take care of Mami. I will call you from India."
At that time, he hadn't believed Anjali, drowning in his pain.
But now, looking at Khushi he wondered if Anjali was right? What if she had
lied and said no only so that he didn't break his relationship with Mami? He
remembered how stubborn she was being to send him to reconcile with her. After
all, hearing Mami's cruel words would have hurt her even more than they had
hurt him. And then, when he had asked her if she ever loved him, she had stayed
silent but she did not say no. What if...
His head bursting, Arnav walked towards the store in front of
him, desperately in need of some water to cool his mind and think rationally
about the whole situation. What if he wasn't wrong before, when he believed in Khushi's
love, but was wrong now to take her rejection at face value?
Arnav sat down at a nearby spot and emptied the entire bottle of
water as he tried to think of the events of the previous night again and
wondered about what to do next. Fifteen minutes later, he was no closer to an
answer, but he decided to talk to Khushi one more time and walked back towards
the lounge where he'd left her. But as he got there, Khushi was nowhere to be
seen. Panicking immediately, his eyes darted in all directions.
Where had she gone?
They were inside the security clearance area of the airport, so
walking out of the airport wasn't going to be that simple. That meant she was
still inside. But where?
He looked around, then decided to check the restrooms and ran
towards the nearest ladies room which was a few hundred feet away. He was
almost there when his eyes caught the yellow of Khushi's dupatta at
a corner, making him stop instantly. But the next moment, as he turned to get a
fuller view, his breath stopped in shock as he realized the person whose
embrace she was in.
"Call me" Arnav heard him say as he walked closer to
them. He handed what looked like a business card to Khushi and walked away. Khushi
mouthed a thank you and put the card in her purse, having not realized that Arnav
had stopped less than fifteen feet away, and then she turned to walk to the
ladies' room. Shocked, angry, hurt, a speechless Arnav stumbled his way back to
the lounge.
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