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All of You
Rudra Pratap Ranwat could not tolerate anymore. The tension in the haveli felt like a heavy
cloak on a blazing Rajasthani day. He
was itching to lift the weight off his shoulders and breathe easy. The one soul that could offer him succor
seemed intent on evading him or silently chastising him. Oh! He could read her
eyes. Could she not understand him? He
wanted to know and today he would not be denied. Every window in his room was secured, the
curtains drawn from prying eyes and ears as he lay in wait for his wife.
Parvati walked into their darkened room hoping he would be
asleep. She could read his eyes well.
She had seen the questioning disbelief in them slowly turn to frustrated
helplessness and then into molten pools of wrath. Paro's breath hitched in the
throat as she heard the door slam shut and the lock driven home. In the amber glow from the bedside lamp, she walked
resolutely to the bed, only to be stopped by a hulking figure in front of
her. She jumped back, feeling the heat
of his eyes as they peered into hers. With a frustrated sigh Rudra picked up
his wife and walked towards the bed.
"Major Saab" she began only to be silenced by the "Shanth Paro
" he ground out.
He propped her against the footboard, a pillow behind her back
and a curt warning "don't you dare move Paro!"
Rudra crossed over to the other
side of the bed to plop his head down on her lap. Silent minutes passed as he lay with his
eyes closed, feeling the restlessness slowly ebb even as her nervy fingers
tightened on her skirt. Rudra looked in
her eyes even as his hand reached over to bring her palm to his lips. Still holding her gaze, he placed an open
mouthed kiss on her delicate wrist causing her to gasp. He then slowly turned her hand, moving it
with agonizing deliberation under his open kurta neck to nestle it over his
heart. Paro felt singed by the sudden heat that exploded in her body. Even as his head on her lap weighed her down,
she felt like the dessert grass that
swayed in the cool night breeze, like she was going to float away. Refusing to meet his gaze, she bit her lower
lip to hold off the moan that erupted in her throat.
"Major Saab"
"Rudra Paro! Call me Jallad if you want!"
"Jallad" she whispered stretching each syllable, caressing the
sound. He pressed her palm into his
chest so she could feel his racing heart. "Mhari Jallad" she said with a smile.
"Are you angry with me or have you started
hating me because I hate your Thakurain?" the question was almost
inaudible given the gruffness of his voice.
Shocked
by the idea of even disliking him, she shook her head even as her free hand
moved to soothe his temple.
"I need to talk Paro. Will you
listen without interrupting me?"
"You know
my story but even you don't know the hurt Paro. Imagine yourself as a 13
year old whose mother just left one day. I know you lost your parents too
but they died Paro, they didn't leave. Your parents didn't choose to
leave Paro, the Thakurain did. She wasn't forced to leave she chose to leave. Imagine
what it does to an impressionable child to one day be loved and the next be orphaned
of both parents who loved him. The day she left, I lost Bapusa too didn't
I? He became what I had never known him to be."
"Then
began the taunts, the jibes" his eyes clouded in pain but they never left hers,
her hand was in his hair trying to soothe "the open derision, the lewd
insinuations and even genuine concern! How it hurts Paro even now. I
cried at first and then learnt to fight back, to be a bully. At least
they wouldn't say anything within my earshot. 15 years of shame, pain,
guilt and disillusionment are etched into every cell, hell into my very DNA, to
carve me.. into the bully , the beast, the Jallad that I am today."
He
absently brushed her palm over his bare chest as if trying to soothe the burn
there. "To find that she is married to that monster .. not just married, but
happily married! When she finds out he is a monster, she comes back expecting that
Bapusa & I would just forget, forgive and move on? And you..you are angry
with me for not accepting her? I am not God Paro, I am not even a Saint,
I am the Jallad remember?"
His eyes
were now closed tears running down their sides. "Paro I need you to
understand that though we are married, this is not about us. This is my hurt
and pain and wrath and yes my revulsion as an individual! The only person I
somewhat share it with is Bapusa. For good or bad, these emotions are
what shaped me, molded me, rotted me, lifted me and made me who I am. I
cannot be expected to forgive and forget and revert to the good son the nave
13 year old was. Maybe the day will come when I can look her in her eye
without my mind incessantly screaming why or maybe that day never will come.
At this point I don't know and I don't care to know."
"Don't
try to project your feelings for her onto me Paro. She might have been
your surrogate mother but that only deepens the cut on my soul. The
jealousy makes me want to hate you Paro"
"Rudra"
she panicked, her eyes raining on him
"Shh..Shaant Pari"
"You are disappointed with me Paro? How can you? You didn't face what I did or
eat the burnt rotis with a side of hate every day. Don't judge me Paro
for who I am or what I do. Some parts of my life I am not proud of, but
in her case my visceral reactions will not be softened by your disapproval of
them. You say you love me! Then, allow me the comfort of expressing
my feelings in whatever civilized way I choose. I am not saying you cannot have
your own opinions or people you love, just don't expect me to mirror you
always. You know I give in only to your zidd but not in this.
Please don't ask that of me Paro. You gave me your word that you would
never abandon me. So don't, not just physically but emotionally too, not
even for a minute. Because that would be the end of me. You are my
comfort, my solace.. I need you to be fully mine."
"So tell me my Pari, do I have you, all of
you?
"Rudra" she whispered bending down to place her lips
on his forehead as their tears mingled.
Rudra simply turned to bury his face into her
stomach. Paro stroked her husband's back as she fiercely vowed
"You have all of me! You always have and always
will."
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