Swayam Shekhawat covered his face in his palms, his palms were sweaty and his eyelids were burning, every part of his body ached, and a havoc ran through his mind, he did not know, what he was supposed to do. What if he was too late? What if she was married now and had mothered two kids? What if she had a well built husband who was going to beat the shit out of him?
He pushed his back the bedpost and closed his eyelids. After two to three minutes silenced thinking he moved towards the bathroom as the little piece of paper slipped out of his hand, and it fell on the bed, not sparing a glance towards it, he moved straight to the bathroom and allowed the freezing drops to make their way down his body.
___________
3 Hours Earlier.
He opened the lock of his house and moved in, wondering what all he had missed on internet while he was out on trek. A half written letter was kept on his table, reminding him the haste in which he had left the house.
It was then, when it occurred to him. That maybe, he had some unread letters. He walked out of his place and checked the mailbox as if to find some papers.
Insurance.. Bank... Mobile.. Advertisement.. Contest.. Sharon Raiprakash.. his mind froze after reading the name, what? He questioned himself. Sharon? Yes, he was too familiar with that name. he had spent endless evenings checking her pictures and reading her poetries.
Stuffing all other letters inside the enclosed space of the box, he opened the letter, it was a cursive handwriting, pink in colour, he rubbed his fingers twice against the words, wondering if he could feel her, but the answer was a simple, plain, brutal, no.
With all his guts, he moved inside his house with the letter still in his hand. he stared at the words, imagining her when she wrote them, questions popped up in his mind, how was she? What was she doing? What she thinking while she penned it?
Sitting comfortably in the couch, he began reading it.
"Swayam, It feels weird right? To receive a letter like this after long years? The memory of me might have faded and drained out by now"
No Sharon, he thought, I vividly remember you.
"Maybe, it hadn't. Maybe, you still remember the girl with brown eyes and the girl who had absolutely nothing attractive about her"
Again No Sharon, he thought, nothing in specific because everything about you was attractive
"Well, I did not send this to grab some attention from you, if that's what you're thinking, who knows, you might now have married and fathered a child with a fat belly like some pregnant lady. Well, who knows.
But, The reason why I'm here honey, is to tell you that I'm sorry too. It took me all of my willpower to write and mail this, so please don't just trash it away.
It was one of the most important events in my twenty five years of life, That Party, do you remember Swayam?"
Yes I do, he thought. But they'd just made out once and that's it. Even though he had been having a crush on her since some long years.
"Why did you go there Swayam? Probably because you wanted a chilled out weekend,
Please ask me why I went there? Because you were going.
And do you remember what happened in that party? Yeah, my cheeks turn red when I think about the amazing time you gave me that day. I clearly remember, we had the best talk ever, and the music was so loud that we had to go upstairs as if to find a quite place to talk, and then you made me laugh, you were hilarious Swayam. You made me smile giggle, and it was then when I kissed you."
I kissed you Sharon, he thought
"When you pulled away for breath, you gave me the littlest, cutest and the most boyish smirk ever and asked what was that for. Haha. And I just said that you were such an idiot. And then, you pulled me and we kissed some more until someone did remark that we should get a room"
Yeah right, you kissed me
"And then we just pulled the door shut and sandwiched me between the wall and you. Just ask me how great that felt, just laying with you, kissing, and you stroking my belly, making no moves, it was all you wanted was to be there with me, right at that moment, and it felt so good that it almost killed me. you pillowed my head by tugging your arm behind my neck, as if supporting it. you didn't want me Swayam, you didn't want to make out, you didn't pull out any moves neither did your hand move to any of my private space, you just stroked my belly and made me feel as comfortable as you could.
Although, you weigh too much. Just kidding, as if I'm gonna notice anything like that while having the best time of my life.
And then, do you remember what happened Swayam?"
Yes, you stopped me Sharon, asked me to get out. He thought
"I stopped you, my hand stopped pulling you closer and moved to your chest, pushing you away asking you to stop."
Then you dug your face in the pillow and cried.
"And then I dug my face in the pillow and cried, while you just hushed "I'm so sorry" and left. Just how descent you could be, makes me adore you more.
Do you ever wonder why I kicked you out Swayam?
No, I'm sure you haven't."
I have, Sharon.
"Well, to explain that, let me start from the beginning of things, it was high school. And I first met Rehan then, he was tall, muscular, good looking and dashing. But all these things just don't affect the way I feel about him. All i feel about him is : Hate
What did he exactly do? Is that what you're thinking? Well, maybe. Those days, as you might remember, he threw chits at me all the time, and we used to have long conversations via chits, let alone the chats we shared. And it was that day when he called me to the park, i, being the excited me, went. And he kissed me, it was my very first kiss, you're thinking what next right? But that's it. we just kissed, no more.
And then we sat on the swings, had a nice conversation and left for our respective homes, but what reached your ears would be something totally different. It would be.. would be... something disgusting like making out in public.
No i never did that.
And by the senior year, numerous boys had included me in hot/most appealing/easy to get lists or s**t list and spread various rumours. And they have become a part of me by then, would I get a chance to explain? No.
My senior year went in drains, no one talked to me, I was usually considered as the silent girl.
Wait, what was my mistake again? Just that I enjoyed my first kiss?
Just that I trusted a guy? That's it? i don't believe how disgusting one could get.
and my grades started slipping out, i did not have a very good reputation, as i walked by, several people hushed behind my back, and so I was dumped at my house, i just had one hour to reach my place after school, which means I could just get myself a candy or something and rush home.
It was that weekend, my parents had left me alone at my place, they drove out for weekend. I was studying, just studying, like every other Tuesday night. And it was then, when I sensed something, I sensed eyes, and he jumped in, i won't tell the name, cause you might break his jaw if you come to know.
He jumped in and for a moment I was numb, he held my shoulders and pulled me close, with a wicked smile on his face."
Karam. The bas***d was Karam. He thought. You don't need to tell me the name Sharon, I would break his jaw if i could, but I was scared, scared that people might link my name to yours. And I hate it, coz I knew I could do something and i didn't.
"What he was going to do, i don't think i need to specify it. I can't bring myself to speak it, it was something so disgusting.
He was about to touch me, even after my abrupt yells. And then something happened you know, he released me, and flew away, from where he came from, the window.
And before I could realize it hit my ear, the bell! and when I opened the door, guess who was there? can you?
I think you can, it was you Swayam, you came to my rescue, my escape. I opened the door and you were right there, looking at me with those round eyes of yours. Tears welled up in my eyes as you said "Sharon, is everything okay? I think I just saw Karam sneaking in your house, hope I'm not disturbing anything" you said and at that moment, I just closed my eyes and hugged you, i hugged you as if I'd die if you weren't there "Thankyou so much" I hushed and felt you hand caressing my hair, as if telling me everything was going to be okay. Everything would be fine.
It was awkward when I pulled away, but you, taking it as your responsibility to make me feel comfortable, instantly said "I don't think Karam is going to stay away, do you-do you, err, you know, i mean, just for your safety, think I should stay here for the night?" you stammered and I can't tell you how amazing it felt. As if I belonged to you.
You just needed a slight nod and you walked in. That night, once again, I spent some memorable moments of my life, as you complimented me whenever you could, and tried to make me feel better.
You shut the blinds, pulled up the blanket and slept on my couch, and then you did something I would never really forget, you came close to me, as when you were pretty sure that i was asleep, you silently stroked my hair and kissed my forehead, like how they show in movies, and I now know why they show that, simply coz it feels great.
You know why it would the best moments of my life? Because when I was asleep you kissed me because you felt like doing so, not because you thought you had to."
He turned the page, there was so much going on with her. he couldnt believe any of this.
"But then Swayam, beautiful moments of my life were spoiled, did we ever know that Karam would click our pictures? And spread them? No we didn't. We had no idea, and it was then when I started maintaining my distance, whenever I heard anything about you, it was good. I'm sure you had some secrets and I'm sure i didn't want them to expose due to me and my ruined reputation"
I've some secrets, but you didn't need to worry Sharon, I know it sounds like a movie dialogue but I could take care of them.
"And Swayam when we met on that party, we actually "talked" and then we ended up kissing each other, and you know what you did, you did not just kiss me, you made me feel alive, you made me feel like a dignified and well signified girl. And I loved you for that, I still do.
Why I kicked you out? Because I was afraid, scared that someone might click our picture again, and your image would get blackened because of my doings.
I'm sorry too Swayam.
p.s: this is just not the end."
He turned the page only to find some more writings.
"Swayam, Its pretty tough for me to say it, after all these years, but now I just can't keep shut. I've tried silencing myself many times, but in the end, the only person who resides in my mind is you. no other guy, and I know, you must have married and fathered a child or two now, but I want you to know that I have always loved you and I still do and maybe will always love you.
Yeah, go on, laugh at me.
I don't expect a reply from you Swayam, I just want you to know that I love you because I'm tired of holding it inside me and I'm tired of trying to say it every time you call.
So please, do not reply, i don't expect one.
Laugh at me, call me names, trash this, but don't reply. Please.
Hope you live a healthy and joyous life"
That was the very end, he crumpled the piece of paper in his hand and screamed. He screamed because, he could've helped her, he screamed because he knew she needed him and he did nothing, and he screamed because, she would never be claimed as his.
________
The water drops made their way down his toned body, he closed his eyes and thought about everything, how while working as the cashier, he would call her up for change even when he had tons of them, and she would ask "again?" and he would nod
And how when she moved into his cabin she would hand him the cash being dangerously close, and when she sat down in the enclosed space she would ask him to close the door because it was not allowed to keep it open, and how millions of possibilities would enter his mind, even though the room had two big windows which could display everything
He wrapped the towel around his waist and moved out of the bathroom, picked up the letter with his wet fingers and read it over and over again, reading every word twice, feeling everything she said and every word she wrote.
And it was then when he decided to go to her, to go and tell her that he loved her, and he wanted to say that first.
He searched for the envelope and noted down the address. And then after booking the tickets he packed his bag and flew to LA
And the only thing running in his mind was "Sharon, I'm coming, please wait"
_________
A havoc ran through her mind as she saw him at her door, "What are you doing here?" was all that came out of her mouth
"Do you really don't know Sharon? You asked me not to reply, so I came here" he said
There were several feelings which broke down inside her, she felt pain, struggle and affection.
"I should better come in" he silently said
And as usual, she thought, he just needed a nod to walk in, he walked inside her place
"How are you?" She asked
"Lets not pretend that's it a long lost friends reunion because it clearly isn't," he snapped "You send me a letter describing the feelings you've hidden for so long, and it frustrates me"
"Please Swayam" she said "the last thing I want to know is that me confessing my feelings frustrates you"
"Its not that, it frustrates me that you have been holding everything for so long even when i made it so obvious that I liked you so much, and I know that you didn't want to blacken my image but you could've told me and I, of all people, would have understood how and what you feel. Do you know how tough you made things for us?" he spat out
"I'm sorry Swayam, I realize i should have never sent that letter to you" she said
"But its not about that" he said "Its about the time that we have wasted, the time when we could have had the perfect relationship and probably we'd be married by now and I would've fathered two children and you would be the one, who mothered them" he said
"We didn't waste time, we just waited for the right time to come around" she said "You Swayam Shekhawat"
She pointed her finger towards him "You taught me to stay optimistic about life and that is why I'm here, or else I would've committed another attempt to take my life myself"
"Don't ever say that again" he took her hands in his
"You know you're such an idiot, don't you?" she asked
"What was that for?" he asked
"Because you're spoiling it, just kiss me right away" she instructed
"just, wait a minute, I really want to say this, I always thought these words were monosyllabic and that they had no meaning in life once the person knows what they feel but right now, i just know how much it matters-especially to me." he said "I love you Sharon, and I know love is a feeling humans exert, when they are caught up in emotions and I know I start blabbering when I'm nervous and I just love you"
He took a breath, "I love you too" she smiled and bits of tears escaped her eyes
He scooped her in his arms "You don't know how great it feels to claim you as mine"
