Thuj pe marke main toh jee gaya ... Ram Kapoor's monologue to his wife
This is something that I write even as my brain is spewing fire at the CVs for mutilating and massacaring the character of Priya ... I want to kill them ... but I guess my fascination for the Ram Kapoor is far greater than the grief that his wife can so callously impart to him. My love for this character is probably known to all of you who have read my FFs and posts so please bear with me when I pour out the unassailable grief that my Ram Kapoor feels when he realizes that his beloved wife is not with him any longer and that death is the only way to meet her again. I start after the very put on Shok sabha is over and Ram is alone in his room with memories of Priya all round him ...
Priya ... kyon chali gayee ho ... tum ne toh mujhe promise kiya kit um mera saath kabhi nahi chodogi ... aur ab tum hi promise thod ke chali gayi ...kya main itna bura hoon ki tum bhi maa aur babuji ki tarah soccha aur chale gayi ... In 3 mahinon se itna gam aur dard dekh chuke hai Priya hum dono ne ... lekin maine kabhi nahi soccha kit um mujhe chod ke itna door jaoogi ki vapis aane ka gunjaish hi nahi hoga. Hum log abhi abhi sapne dekhna shuru kiye Priya air tum meri poori zindagi ek jeeta jagta nightmare bana di ... tumhe jane se pehle sochcha nahi .. Ram ka kya hoga? Tum janti ho Priya tumhare bagair mera saanse bhi lena mushkil hai ...dum ghuthi hai meri ... kaise bhool di ki tere bina kitan mushkil hai yeh zindagi ...
Priya in the past there have been days when I have meant to tell you I love you and thought ... chalo shaam mein bol detha hoon ... I was so confident that I had all the time in the world to tell you ...Now when I want to tell you that for every minute that I am awake I find that you are not here ... why has this happened to us Priya ... we were just embarking on the most beautiful journey of our lives and destiny plays such a cruel trick on us?!?!? Today when I look back on our short beautiful life together I see so many opportunities that I lost to tell you that I loved you with my entire being ... for me our life together has been the most memorable journey from awkwardness to absolute serenity in your company ... losing myself in you I have learnt to live and how? The most simple and basic pleasures of life that you introduced me to and opened my eyes to will stay with me always ...
Pata hai Priya, when I first saw you , at the lift in your building, the first thing that struck me were your beautiful wonderfully limpid eyes ... I do not know why but on that day you had tears in them and those tears made them all the more beautiful ... Those eyes have stayed with me Priya and have become the very picture of what I love about you ... Even when I saw absolute joy in your eyes, I only thought of my first vision and in comparison it has been those eyes that have won always ... In these past 3 months it is those eyes that have kept me company and provided me with the strength to continue even when all else has been bleak around me ... and now I have nothing but a memory of those eyes to take me forward in this long journey called life.
There have been times Priya when I have wondered at your capacity to love unconditionally... when I saw you with your father, sister and brother I saw in you a corner stone ... there for them always and when I see the love you have for me I'm totally astounded ... Itna vishwas aur confidence tumhare pyaar mein maine dekha hai aur hairaan bhi hua hai ... I think it is that love and confidence that frightened all those around me and made them think that they had to separate you from me. They have succeeded Priya but I have too.. I know that you love me and mujhe mehsoos hota hai yeh baat mere har saans mein. Main toh mar jata us minute mein jab maine suna ki tum abhi nahi ho is duniya mein ...lekin yeh tumhara pyaar hai naa... yehi hai Priya jo mujhme himmat aur hosla de rahi hai saans lene ki ... I know that when you want me by your side you will stop my breath and my darling Priya ... for that I shall wait.
Priya mujhe bahut din lage tumhare saath ek hi room mein comfortable feel karne ke liye ... pehle socha ki yeh ek dar tha but baad mein, in hindsight, I realize that it was probably my fear that you will see my love for what it was before I could even acknowledge it. Aaj main yeh soch raha hoon ki kitna time maine waste kiya yeh ajeeb sa daar ke iye... Is pyaar ka pehla ehssas mujhe karwa chaut ke raat ko hua ... jab tum un aansoon bhari aankhon se dekh rahi thi mujhe aur main tum pe chilla raha tha ... You know Priya, my anger that day was not with you ... it was with me ... I was angry that I was happy that you had removed the ticket from my bag and I did not know what I was so happy about ... When Rishab told me that the plane had crashed my first thought had been that I have some more time with you ... you ... not my family or friends but YOU. I realized that my feelings for you were certainly very different from what I had for the other women in my life when Ashwin tried to wreck havoc in our life ... for the first time I felt jealous of someone and woh bahut hi strange feeling thi ... Maine samaj ne ki koshish ki lekin we went to Australia immediately and the equation of our relationship really changed there. When you asked me about Apeksha it was fear of disapproval that made me angry ... if there was one thing that I feared it was your disgust if you came to know about my past and my mother's desertion ... how could i tell you that my mother did not think i was worth- the effort of staying back
You built my belief in myself in the most strange ways Priya ... never have I ever allowed anyone to make fun of me ... hastha tha pehle sab ke saath lekin kushi to maine pehli baar tum hare saath hasne par hi mila! You made me smile and laugh at myself and in the process get comfortable with myself... and for that I will always thank you Priya ... dil se thank you. When you made me realize that I had to recognize and accept the fact that I loved you and be happy about it I knew that my life had just become the most beautiful ever ... Was it just a few months ago that I felt that way Priya? And today I am standing here wishing ...
There are many if only's that I wish I could change Priya ... if only my family had seen our love and understood that it would never hurt them ... if only you had told me about the natak you, Vikram and neha were putting up, if only I was able to get the truth out of my family, so many if onlys that will stay with me for the rest of my life... but the one that really matters ... if only I could have joined you on the way to wherever they were taking you ... I would most certainly have tried to save you Priya because without you this life is not for living but for just being.
I never knew that I had it me to change and adapt Priya ... I have always made things happen the way I wanted them to happen and had believed that it was only natural that the world change for me. You showed me Priya that intezaar karne mein bhi mazza hai ... You showed me how to recognize the simple beauty of life and that if we waited for it patiently it would give us what we deserve. That is probably the lesson that I take forward today Priya as I wait to join you wherever you are. I do not know how long this strength that stems from your love will keep me but Priya PLEASE MUJHE YEH BHI SIKHA DO KI MARNE PAR BHI MAIN ZINDA KAISE REH SAKHOON…
Hi people... that was my heart felt outpouring of grief that i'm sure a husband like Ram Kapoor feels as the world collapses around him but he is expected to stay collected...
all comments are welcome ... my FF regarding ram's Point of view continues but after a while
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