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Every good show should attempt to help you in the inevitable path on which you have set foot by being born Asian. What path is this, you may ask? The path to becoming a Doctor. Every good Asian aspires to be one. And if you don't, prepare yourself for years of parental disappointment and judgemental "Aunties".
However, we at IPKKND Headquarters understand the problems you may face: Can't get into Medical School? Already chosen a different path? Don't worry. Iss Pyaar Ko Kya Naam Doon is on YOUR side. Here's our handy guide to treating every potential ailment that may befall your loved ones. IPKKND Style.
By the time you're done, you too can be just as qualified a Doctor as Arnav Singh Raizada!
DISCLAIMER: Arnav Singh Raizada is not a recognised member of the General Medical Council and as such is not qualified as a Doctor fit to practice.
So without further ado, we present you with (diagrams in a later edition i.e. when I can be bothered to edit):
THE IPKKND HANDY GUIDE TO MEDICAL CARE
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Incessant slips, trips and falls. No pre-existing conditions which could explain, unknown family medical history- possibly heritable.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Arnav Singh Raizada, Raj Kapoor, alternative Prince Charming with convenient timing. As an extra precaution: memory foam mattressing built into the backs of all your clothes, InjuryLawyers4U on speed-dial.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Chronic heart palpitations.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Black magic is afoot. Locate nearest attractive member of the male species and put coughing powder in his drink. Supplement by praying to divine being of your choice.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Passed out from fear of the dark/ cold.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Milk. (Bourne Vita/ Horlicks/ Complan optional)
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Fainting episode mid-Fast.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Break patient's Fast.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Twisted ankle.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Twist it to the left, twist it to the right, secure in new position with anklet, and always remember... "Thoda dard hoga..." Also, keep wearing the same shoes at all times in the future with all outfits.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Loss of voice.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Bitter home-made herbal concoction. AC full power. Mass dust-mite murder. Massive ego.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Burnt hand/ bruised hand/ bruised arms.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: He didn't MEAN it. It was just an ACCIDENT. Just hide it with your damn dupatta and pretend it never happened. How selfish of you to complain? I mean, remember that one time he even APOLOGISED? Concealer optional.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Cut finger.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Be careful not to disinfect the wound before wrapping it in a binding so thick patient cannot bend finger anymore. Timing is crucial- make sure they are late for a very important occasion to ensure maximum dramatic tension. Indecisive sunset and "sexy-haii" sunglasses compulsory.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Make sure to always say and do things which increase the leaking as tears are good for the eyes and keep them clean. They also keep the TRP Aunties happy and happy TRP Aunties means 5.0 TRPs (fingerscrossed!😆)
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Severe audio-visual hallucinations.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Nothing. They're psychic. It's romantic. Duh...
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Shard of glass bangle in the wrist.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Pull out shard with teeth- extra grippage don't you know? Once again, make EXTRA SURE not to disinfect or even clean the wound before bandaging. Make sure to compensate patient for lost bangles with new bangles.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Type 3 Diabetes.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Super-secret formula medicine available only in 5 stores. None of them near you! Warning- very similar in appearance to headache medicine. Be careful not to confuse the two- the former raises blood glucose levels so is basically sugar and everybody knows that sugar is deadly...
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Hypoglycaemia.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: First time- stay calm and feed jalebis. Second time? Why would it happen a second time? Eat all the food in the house! Taste the patient's food in front of them. Surely there would be warning cold-sweats and dizziness before actual fainting occurs? Oh. Not with Type 3 Diabetes? Oops. My bad...
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Rope burn on arms.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Tiger blood coursing through your veins. Unfortunately only available to Arnav. Might we recommend as a preventative measure, reporting insane, perverted members of your family to the authorities and not silently following the fatter, uglier versions of the Men In Black out of an international airport?
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Bleeding headwound following a fall, possible spinal injuries, patient completely unresponsive.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Lift patient up, shake repeatedly, yell patient's name, accuse patient, beg patient, execute the Kangaroo Hold, pause for flashbacks, allow possibly dead patient to hear your heartbeat because if you rubbing the fact that you're still alive in their face doesn't bring them back from the dead, nothing will.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Erotomania.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: Marry the victim and bring her permanently close to the patient so that he is at all times able to perve on her at his convenience. Misunderstand anything and everything until you are able to persuade yourself the victim is responsible. Blame the victim- do not, I repeat, do NOT give the victim a chance to explain the situation. If they do, don't believe them.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Selective hearing.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: There is no cure. Patient is a Raizada.
PATIENT PRESENTS WITH: Delusion.
IPKKND RECOMMENDED TREATMENT PLAN: See previous. Additional note- chances are Patient is also one of the siblings previously known as the Maliks.
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