The Thinkers - Topic 2

Friends,

The second topic for discussion would be:

"Extent of your involvement in other's life be it   siblings,friends,collegues,own kid/s or neighbours, where & when to draw the line"

Please post your thoughts on this

Originally posted by: dotraj

OK i am willing to take the first shot at this!

"Extent of your involvement in other's life:

siblings - I feel that there should be consistent interaction with siblings. You warn them when they are playing with fire, and support them whole heartedly when they are successful. Of course interfering with personal life (life-partner, etc.) is not justifiable except of course it is to support the right thing and IF asked for input. I would support the truth regardless of who is saying it - my bro/sis or their other respective other halfs.

friends - Similar to siblings, but interaction should be limited to warnings or truth...should never lead to undue arguments. With siblings, arguments are OK because ultimately your love for them is not questionable. With friends there is a limit to interference. Also, you dont want to be responsible for any breakups because you lose friends forever because of things like that - plus the burden of guilt would be too hard to bear.

collegues - No personal interaction at all...except to learn or inform about personal achievements or updates on family matters. I prefer to keep my colleagues as far away as possible from my personal life...i would inform them if i was going to get married or have a kid or had a death in my family or a divorce, or some such life-changing event...but i would not go into any details with co-workers.

own kids - Constant interference until they are old enough (18-21) to be on their own. After that the relationship changes to that with siblings... no interference with their choices unless they can really harm them without their realizing it. My experience with my parents is pretty ideal in this respect. Until i was a kid, they interfered with almost everything, and i did not make very many major mistakes. After i have become an adult, they point out errors in judgement - and are not afraid to get into an argument with me...but their intentions are never questionable and i often end up making an informed decision, regardless of whether my decision is to their liking or not. It is a question of knowing the risks thoroughly rather than accepting their "bottom line."

neighbours - No personal interaction at all, unless asked. Similar to colleagues in a way. But i would be more willing to respond to their queries rather than volunteer any suggestions on my side. I would definitely not like to involve them in any of my personal issues at any cost. Because if something goes wrong in your own family, at some point you can forgive and forget the perpetrator. Your neighbors may not be that willing to forgive or forget and can cause future problems.

where & when to draw the line" - everywhere and often 😃

Siblings - Not at all an expert at this...

Friends - It is really difficult to decide where to draw the line. Sometimes we tend to feel that the friend is not doing right, but not sure if the friend will receive our criticism on it. But again what is the use of friendship if we cannot pull the ship ashore without sinking. It is very rare that one has true friendship without any kind of expectations.

Colleagues - I do not like to have a very good friendship with them.. I prefer being professional. It is so often that we give peer reviews and it is going to be very difficult to give an unbiased review. Have been bitten by giving a review and lost a friend.   😕

Kids: I would like to be as involved as possible with them - socially, hobbies, studies you name it. Girlfriends, boy friends.. the list goes on. I think byt the time they are in their teens they need to start tasting independence with a rope though... and then of course hope to be like my parents and in-laws who keep telling me that they are the peripherals in my life and not the center point.

Neighbours - Hello, How are you... let me know if you need anything.. can I hold the mail for you.. I have not had very communicative neighbours here.. so do not have anything much to offer.. but I think unless neighbours are friends, we cannot really have a relationship.

Parents -  Make sure they still are a part of my life, that they are not ignored.

Edited by vazz - 18 years ago

Kruts..

Good points..totally agree with you. You have neatly chalked out boundaries with diff kind of relationships. I personally feel, apart from siblings and your kids, we should be more reactive instead of volunteering.
I should admit that after coming to the US, my perspecitve on this topic has changed totally. Coming from a very huge extended family & friends circle, I have seen that everybody used to jump and try to advise,help and do what not in other's life even if not being asked and make the relationship sour.

To some extent I have started following the concept of Gandhiji's three monkey's when it comes dealing with others.

Friends, do u agree with me when I say that Back in India, neighbours are almost like extended family. I remember my mom sharing stuff with her neighbours more than her own siblings 😆 simply bcoz they are easily accessible and the same thing from their side too. Now, I cant even think of having same kind of relationship with my desi neighbours here. They are simply acquaintances, even though we meet often for potlucks or some kids activities.

I feel its just the chemistry & trust which works with any kind of relationships and marking boundaries is very important.

I agree with all of you especially about parents! I have heard people say that they don't want to hear any advice from parents because they are adults.. To me that is ridiculous because they are soooo much more experienced in age and other matters - so what if they advise! Of course thrusting their decisions on us, etc. is going overboard but I don't see that happen as often now...

Hey Rajni,
Nice topic.Are we reminded of Astitva and Simran here,and some of her family? 😉

Before I comment on this,I have to tell you all how wonderful it was to know such strong,independant but caring and loving people who value relationships,but above all value their own self respect.Honestly,I learnt so much.I was not able to post anything yesterday but went through all your posts.
You,my counterparts make me proud.I'm glad that I know all of you.
I shall write on this topic in my next post.Most of you have said it all.Need time to think. 😳

"Extent of your involvement in other's life be it   siblings,friends,collegues,own kid/s or neighbours, where & when to draw the line"

Nice topic... and the topics come at a very uncanny time in my life too. Its almost phropetical.

Siblings - I have a sibling and we maintian a very healthy distance. We share all the information, in fact, all major decisions in my life are taken after I speak to him, and vice versa. We take opinions, mostly we respect each others opinion and rarely has it happened that we havent implemented something thats been suggested. But thats where we draw the line. If we happen to disagree on an issue and we both have discussed the matter and we arrive at a situation that we agree to disagree, then on that topic, we do not impose our wills or thoughts on the other person.
So if I dont like his choice of girlfriend 😳 I tell him so. If he agrees, good, if he does not, then I back off 😳

Friends - We share thoughts, grief, ideas and happiness. If a friend does not want to share anything beyond a certain limit, I would never push beyond that. Ultimately, it is completely dependent on how each friendship evolves.

Colleugues - Not much. To the extent of sharing our lives for 10 hours every day of which we spend more tha 8 hours doing our respective work, I do not believe in looking beyond that into their lives. I prefer to keep my personal life outside the office and hence dont look into theirs when they are inside the office.

Kids - They need their space. So give them advice and be done with it. If they listen to you, great. If they dont, start finding solutions to the problems which they will encounter for not having walked down the path you suggested. If they ever face a problem, solution is ready at hand. If they dont, the kid is smart, so look at them with more respect and give them their space and allow them to develop their independent thinking

Neighbours - Share a cup of tea occassionaly, a spoon of sugar and a plate of sweets on festivals. There is no time for anything beyond that. If they knock the door in the middle of the night, help them out, but I wont go knocking their door if I dont see them for a week.

"Extent of your involvement in other's life be it   siblings,friends,collegues,own kid/s or neighbours, where & when to draw the line"

Rajini, this is a very delicate issue, which needs to be seen from all angles possible.

Ok, let me first talk about the nature of involvement we can have with siblings. According to me, brother-sister relationship is the most loving relationship, after a mom, that one can get.  Basically, everything depends on the manner in which the siblings have grown up or have been brought up. I have seen some families where the brother or sister will be very very elder to the next kid at home. In this case, the relationship between the siblings will not be so very close. I might be wrong, but, i do feel the generation gap that arises due to this age difference will make the relationship lose its charm. In such cases, giving advises or hearing to advises will not be taken sportingly by the other.

So to me, the extent of our involvment in the matters of siblings depends basically on the closeness that exists between them. If, the siblings are too very close, almost fall within the same age, + or - 3 or something,  then, we can feel free to talk whatever we need to tell them. There might be difference of opinion, but then, which relationship does not have this difference of opinion at times?

I, being the elder sibling in my family, grew up to be a very affectionate sister to my brother. Though we both are tempermentally different from each other, we get along so very well. We have fought over petty matters, cried over small things accusing each other, have had plenty of wonderful moments growing up together. But then, i being elder to him, have always tried my best to correct him whenever he was wrong. We have had lots of fights, when i tried to do this. There were days when we both slpet without talking to each other after the fight. But then, the next morning gave us fresh thoughts and the love and affection we had for each other, would again  bring back the glorious days we have had...

If the person is the eldest of the siblings, i firmly feel , the person has to carry the responsibilitiy of giving always the best to his /her siblings. Whenever we feel, they are wrong, we need to butt in, no matter what others think. We need to tell them what is right and what is wrong. We should never give them an impression that nobody is there to care or bother for him/her. We should always make our presence felt in their lives, by always being there whenever they need us. In the same way, when our sibling is on the right path and many are against it, then , if we feel he/she is right, then we need to go against all odds and support him/her. This also would give them an impression that there is someobdy who will speak for him/her in life... This brings out a very pleasant feeling...

With this, i would stop my argument as regards Siblings are concerned.

Moving on to Friends, I would say, if we have real and faithful friends in life, half of our problmes have come to an end even before it starts. I am blessed to have loads and loads of friends, who are so very important to me in my life. I have always shared my sorrow, joy and grief with my friends, they have always managed to show me the right path in life. Basically, when we talk about involvement into their lives, again, it depends upon the closeness we have with them. I believe, a person will have certain circle of friends who are very close to his/her heart, followed by another set of friends, who are based in the 2nd circle. But it does not mean that he/she does not consider that 2nd set of people as friends. But, this is the line we draw within our minds, where we seperate the closest friends from others...

Involvement into very very close friends' matters , is only for good , i would say. This is bcos, we think about a person as very close, only when we know completely about the person. We know the strengths and weaknesses, the defects and capabilities etc. So, after knowing all this, if 2 friends get really close, then , it means they know each other to the T. In this case, when we intervene and talk in their personal matters, i dont think the friend will take it in a wrong sense. The very fact that we are close should never bring in such thoughts in our minds. We know what the person is, we know his /her reactions, we know that he/she will take it sportingly if put in the right way. So it is always better to talk and help out friends whenever they need us...

Colleagues - I dont think the colleagues will have time to talk more about their personal lives. But again, it depends on the individual. But, to speak about it generally, i dont think we can be as close to a colleague as we are with our siblings or friends...

Kids - hmm, i have to write this even before i experience it. But then, i have certain thoughts in mind, which i will like to share... I firmly believe in one thing. The kids are mirror images of parents, they look and see and walk and talk like them. They imbibe in them, everything their mother does , they take in the good as well as bad qualities of the parents. So it is very very important for a parent to give the best of advises and thoughts to her own kid. The kid, when grown big, should always feel proud of having got all such good thoughts and mindset from his/her parents.

 I have no second thoughts coming in my mind, when i say that, I am such and such a person today, only bcos of my parents. I feel proud in telling that i am the best daughter a parent can get, the credit for which i will never ever take. If anyone feels, I am  a good daughter, a good sister, a good wife, a good DIL, today,then the entire credit for all this will go to my mom, who has nurtured me in such a way that i have taken up all the positives i saw within her.... So, i feel we need to advise, nurture, imbibe nice thoughts, good deeds, valuable info on life, to our kids, so that they grow up to be just a mirror of goodness and nothing other than that....

Neighbours - Hmm, it depends on who your neighbour is. It depends on the kind of wavelength she and you possess. If we both fall in the same category, with almost the same likes and dislikes, then maybe, we can talk it out to her when the person needs help. Otherwise, it is better to keep smiling, say a pleasant Hi to her, say a pleasant Bye to her. Life will be smiling at us for sure... 

To sum it all up, I would say that whatever relationship we are talking about, everything matters most on the Trust and faith and closeness we have between us.. If we have all this intact, then we can wither any kind of storm , stand erect even when a strong breeze tries to blow us off foot....

Originally posted by: dotraj

Friends,

The second topic for discussion would be:

"Extent of your involvement in other's life be it   siblings,friends,collegues,own kid/s or neighbours, where & when to draw the line"

Please post your thoughts on this

I think this is one topic that cannot have general rules. All these  relationships are close to the heart varying in degree,of course. One's involvement would depend very much on circumstances.

I may be wrong,but it would be very difficult to decide where to draw the line,especially in relationships with kids,siblings and friends in that order.

First of all there is a thin line between advice and interference. When things work out we value it as advice,or else it may backfire as interference. It would depend on one's perspective.

What I write below may not be the right thing to do or the ideal thing but this is me.By nature,I keep to myself and very rarely give unasked advice/help. This could be misinterpreted as unhelpful at times,but I rather that than be called interfering.

Like Sree said some of these relationships are very delicate and at the same time very dear. It would depend a lot on one's culture and where one is living.

Siblings: One's involvement changes a lot after siblings are married. Atleast mine did and I agree that it's necessary for a healthy relationship,but sometimes it hurts. From my side,all I can say is that I will always be there for him and his family,but he has to ask.

This also includes my cousins,who are so close to me that outsiders would not know the difference.

When one has been very close due to certain circumstances,it's hard to just stop.But,yes,one has to learn.

Friends: One has to be very discreet because it's not just the friend,it could involve her family,so it would really depend on the situation. If you get signals teliing you not to interfere,one should back off without hard feelings. With some friends, you know that unasked advice is welcome because there is that understanding and trust.With others you may think differently.It really depends on one's relationship and how well you know your friend.

Neigbours:Back home in India,they pop in and out like "ghar ke log" but in HKG,I don't see their faces for days. If they came to me for help, I guess I would but not volunteer on my own.

Colleagues:I have not been a working woman as such,but my sis in law tells me that some of her very good friends are also her colleagues. So,I guess there is a little over lapping of relationships there.My mother's closest friends are her colleagues.I have seen some genuine and wonderful examples of"A friend in need is a friend in deed".They have been very supportive without interfering.

Kids/Parents: This I think is the most delicate and very difficult to decide where to draw the line.I fully agree that once a child reaches the age of 21,he/she should be given the independance to think and decide, sometimes even without consulting you,but it's very hard to put in practice.Our involvement with the child is so much,it's very hard to withdraw.I think there are severe withdrawal symptoms.😆 But again it's necessary.

Here, I first write as a child and then as a parent. My parents did not have much say in my life after I got married,but my in laws did.Luckily they were not interfering by nature so I can't complain.

As a parent, I hope and pray that we are able to give our son the space required.We know what is right but we hope we are able to implement it.It is very hard to turn a blind eye to somethings even if it sounds like interference.

To me my mother is an example of being supportive and yet non interfereing.On many occasions she has told me what she feels and left it at that.Never has she retorted by"I told you so". My MILs nature is to be non committal,but atleast she is not nosey so I'm ok with it.

Sree is right.Our children do learn a lot from us.Our parents are more experienced and wordly wise than us,so a little dose of advice shouldn't hurt.If our children see us doing this,they learn that it's ok for parents to correct us even if we are adults.

In conclusion,I can say that we need to have some space in every relationship.The only relationship in which there is no real drawing of lines is that of a husband and wife.Even in this one needs to give space to each other, but that would be in terms of time and the spouse's relationship with others. Nothing should seem like interfering if the relationship is sound.

Cheers

Edited by Akshata - 18 years ago

Originally posted by: Akshata

 

As a parent, I hope and pray that we are able to give our son the space required.We know what is right but we hope we are able to implement it.It is very hard to turn a blind eye to somethings even if it sounds like interference.

To me my mother is an example of being supportive and yet non interfereing.On many occasions she has told me what she feels and left it at that.Never has she retorted by"I told you so". My MILs nature is to be non committal,but atleast she is not nosey so I'm ok with it.

Sree is right.Our children do learn a lot from us.Our parents are more experienced and wordly wise than us,so a little dose of advice shouldn't hurt.If our children see us doing this,they learn that it's ok for parents to correct us even if we are adults.

In conclusion,I can say that we need to have some space in every relationship.The only relationship in which there is no real drawing of lines is that of a husband and wife.Even in this one needs to give space to each other, but that would be in terms of time and the spouse's relationship with others. Nothing should seem like interfering if the relationship is sound.

Cheers

I agree - especially with the above..We need to respect the space in each other's life...I still turn to my mother for advice over many matters but my mom never thrusts her opinions on me.....Same with MIL. Certain things I do turn to my dad for advice but I have to admit that it is more often my mom....But I have also known of some people who are in their 20s or 30s who can't fathom taking any advice from their parents as they feel they are adults!! Forgetting who is more experienced! I think to myself - well, well, let's wait till your kids give you the same treatment -maybe then they will realize how hurtful it is to rebuff one's parents that way!! To me my mom is still a best friend (hubby is too but that is a completely different relationship and these relationships just can't be compared) and that won't change... Agree about the other relationships you mentioned....

Edited by xyzzee - 18 years ago