The Thinkers - Topic 2

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Posted: 16 years ago


The second topic for discussion would be:

"Extent of your involvement in other's life be it   siblings,friends,collegues,own kid/s or neighbours, where & when to draw the line"

Please post your thoughts on this

Posted: 16 years ago
Originally posted by dotraj

OK i am willing to take the first shot at this!

"Extent of your involvement in other's life:

siblings - I feel that there should be consistent interaction with siblings. You warn them when they are playing with fire, and support them whole heartedly when they are successful. Of course interfering with personal life (life-partner, etc.) is not justifiable except of course it is to support the right thing and IF asked for input. I would support the truth regardless of who is saying it - my bro/sis or their other respective other halfs.

friends - Similar to siblings, but interaction should be limited to warnings or truth...should never lead to undue arguments. With siblings, arguments are OK because ultimately your love for them is not questionable. With friends there is a limit to interference. Also, you dont want to be responsible for any breakups because you lose friends forever because of things like that - plus the burden of guilt would be too hard to bear.

collegues - No personal interaction at all...except to learn or inform about personal achievements or updates on family matters. I prefer to keep my colleagues as far away as possible from my personal life...i would inform them if i was going to get married or have a kid or had a death in my family or a divorce, or some such life-changing event...but i would not go into any details with co-workers.

own kids - Constant interference until they are old enough (18-21) to be on their own. After that the relationship changes to that with siblings... no interference with their choices unless they can really harm them without their realizing it. My experience with my parents is pretty ideal in this respect. Until i was a kid, they interfered with almost everything, and i did not make very many major mistakes. After i have become an adult, they point out errors in judgement - and are not afraid to get into an argument with me...but their intentions are never questionable and i often end up making an informed decision, regardless of whether my decision is to their liking or not. It is a question of knowing the risks thoroughly rather than accepting their "bottom line."

neighbours - No personal interaction at all, unless asked. Similar to colleagues in a way. But i would be more willing to respond to their queries rather than volunteer any suggestions on my side. I would definitely not like to involve them in any of my personal issues at any cost. Because if something goes wrong in your own family, at some point you can forgive and forget the perpetrator. Your neighbors may not be that willing to forgive or forget and can cause future problems.

where & when to draw the line" - everywhere and often Big smile

Posted: 16 years ago

Siblings - Not at all an expert at this...

Friends - It is really difficult to decide where to draw the line. Sometimes we tend to feel that the friend is not doing right, but not sure if the friend will receive our criticism on it. But again what is the use of friendship if we cannot pull the ship ashore without sinking. It is very rare that one has true friendship without any kind of expectations.

Colleagues - I do not like to have a very good friendship with them.. I prefer being professional. It is so often that we give peer reviews and it is going to be very difficult to give an unbiased review. Have been bitten by giving a review and lost a friend.   Confused

Kids: I would like to be as involved as possible with them - socially, hobbies, studies you name it. Girlfriends, boy friends.. the list goes on. I think byt the time they are in their teens they need to start tasting independence with a rope though... and then of course hope to be like my parents and in-laws who keep telling me that they are the peripherals in my life and not the center point.

Neighbours - Hello, How are you... let me know if you need anything.. can I hold the mail for you.. I have not had very communicative neighbours here.. so do not have anything much to offer.. but I think unless neighbours are friends, we cannot really have a relationship.

Parents -  Make sure they still are a part of my life, that they are not ignored.

Edited by vazz - 16 years ago
Posted: 16 years ago

Good points..totally agree with you. You have neatly chalked out boundaries with diff kind of relationships. I personally feel, apart from siblings and your kids, we should be more reactive instead of volunteering.
I should admit that after coming to the US, my perspecitve on this topic has changed totally. Coming from a very huge extended family & friends circle, I have seen that everybody used to jump and try to advise,help and do what not in other's life even if not being asked and make the relationship sour.

To some extent I have started following the concept of Gandhiji's three monkey's when it comes dealing with others.

Friends, do u agree with me when I say that Back in India, neighbours are almost like extended family. I remember my mom sharing stuff with her neighbours more than her own siblings LOL simply bcoz they are easily accessible and the same thing from their side too. Now, I cant even think of having same kind of relationship with my desi neighbours here. They are simply acquaintances, even though we meet often for potlucks or some kids activities.

I feel its just the chemistry & trust which works with any kind of relationships and marking boundaries is very important.

Posted: 16 years ago
I agree with all of you especially about parents! I have heard people say that they don't want to hear any advice from parents because they are adults.. To me that is ridiculous because they are soooo much more experienced in age and other matters - so what if they advise! Of course thrusting their decisions on us, etc. is going overboard but I don't see that happen as often now...
Posted: 16 years ago
bump to first page Smile
Posted: 16 years ago
Hey Rajni,
Nice topic.Are we reminded of Astitva and Simran here,and some of her family? Wink

Before I comment on this,I have to tell you all how wonderful it was to know such strong,independant but caring and loving people who value relationships,but above all value their own self respect.Honestly,I learnt so much.I was not able to post anything yesterday but went through all your posts.
You,my counterparts make me proud.I'm glad that I know all of you.
I shall write on this topic in my next post.Most of you have said it all.Need time to think. Embarrassed
Posted: 16 years ago
"Extent of your involvement in other's life be it   siblings,friends,collegues,own kid/s or neighbours, where & when to draw the line"

Nice topic... and the topics come at a very uncanny time in my life too. Its almost phropetical.

Siblings - I have a sibling and we maintian a very healthy distance. We share all the information, in fact, all major decisions in my life are taken after I speak to him, and vice versa. We take opinions, mostly we respect each others opinion and rarely has it happened that we havent implemented something thats been suggested. But thats where we draw the line. If we happen to disagree on an issue and we both have discussed the matter and we arrive at a situation that we agree to disagree, then on that topic, we do not impose our wills or thoughts on the other person.
So if I dont like his choice of girlfriend Embarrassed I tell him so. If he agrees, good, if he does not, then I back off Embarrassed

Friends - We share thoughts, grief, ideas and happiness. If a friend does not want to share anything beyond a certain limit, I would never push beyond that. Ultimately, it is completely dependent on how each friendship evolves.

Colleugues - Not much. To the extent of sharing our lives for 10 hours every day of which we spend more tha 8 hours doing our respective work, I do not believe in looking beyond that into their lives. I prefer to keep my personal life outside the office and hence dont look into theirs when they are inside the office.

Kids - They need their space. So give them advice and be done with it. If they listen to you, great. If they dont, start finding solutions to the problems which they will encounter for not having walked down the path you suggested. If they ever face a problem, solution is ready at hand. If they dont, the kid is smart, so look at them with more respect and give them their space and allow them to develop their independent thinking

Neighbours - Share a cup of tea occassionaly, a spoon of sugar and a plate of sweets on festivals. There is no time for anything beyond that. If they knock the door in the middle of the night, help them out, but I wont go knocking their door if I dont see them for a week.

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8 Participants 12 Replies 3438Views

Topic started by dotraj

Last replied by badgurl

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