I sat at my table, thinking. I barely had time to do that anymore. With Sid's arrival and with Shanaya and Piya.. it was a mess. My life was a mess.
For an organized and usually sane person like myself, it was hell. I had no idea what I wanted to do and sometimes I just wanted to run away from all of it. I wanted to escape, to hide from the dirty truth. That my parents expected more from me, that my brother hated me, that I was pushing my love away and that I had no friends.
Thwack! I banged the table, a small crack forming oh-so-slowly. I stood up and looked out the window. How many more of these sunsets would I have to see before I died? Before someone killed me rather?
What do you really want Abhay..
My mind was gnawing at me. I felt sick and disgusted with myself.
Why couldn't I just be with Piya? Why couldn't I treat her like a normal person could? Why couldn't I love her as much as I wanted to?
...Why is it that I felt so much for her... When I really cant?
Can I feel hurt?
I was a demon. I..wasn't a human. So I should stop feeling like one.
I wanted to just run away. I walked out the room door as quickly as possible and strided down our long hall. My father a questioning look at my odd behaviour.
Brrrrrr! The engine roared to life and I took the car out. I wanted to go anywhere. Anywhere so long as I could escape from this tortuous world.
I parked the car outside the cliff where people went Bungee Jumping. It was nearing six and people were just leaving. I went over to a side where no one could see me and I sat myself down on the grass.
The sun was just beginning to set.. It looked so serene. Have I ever felt so serene?
When I was with Piya, it was almost as if I could never feel this calm. Danger was always nearby, threating to restore unhappiness in my life. All I wanted, truly, was just to be normal. Like.. Piya's breed of normal.
I stood up and just let the air go by me.. let it penetrate through me.
Piya.. I can't hate you. I cant love you.. You tell me you're the one in pain. But how much ever I tell you I can't feel anything for you? That's all crap. I feel only when I am with you.
You control my emotions, Piya Jaiswal. And I hate it.
I looked down from the top of the hill. I just wanted to jump down, now. The height wasn't all that much. It would do. I just wanted to feel that calmness envelope me.
I took a deep breath and took a step forward. It was just so beautiful, the sun set. I was a demon.. I was a--
"There are better ways of comitting suicide, you know?"
I whipped around to come face to face with Misha Dobriyal. Argh. She was a marvel.
I refrained from growling at her and probably asked her the only thing on my mind at the moment, "What?"
She gave me that cute smile of hers (which was really annoying) and said "You look like that type you know? Totally goth and all. Unshaven.. seriously Abhay. You wanna commit suicide? Don't do it in a public place, yarr!" She looked around expressively, her eyes widening.
"No one is watching me. That's why I came here, damn it." I said assertively, my voice was an inch away from a growl.
Her eyes widened even more and she gulped, "I was just kidding about the suicide Abhay.. I didn't know you actually wanted to..--"
"I DO NOT WANT TO COMMIT SUICIDE!" I shouted at her, my temper getting the better of me.
Her eyes returned to its normal size again and she looked at me and swatted my arm.
"Thank God, Abhay! Or else I would've lived with the guilt! You looked like that you know.. Half your body was out of the cliff!"
She took a deep breath again and swatted my arm.
This is was just a teeny weeny bit annoying now.
"Anyway, I got to lea--"
"Nooooo Abhayyy! Wait here na? Sit and talk to me for a while!" With that, Misha Dobriyal pulled me down onto the grass and gave me a third swat on the arm.
God. The nerve of that girl.
I looked at the sky again, it was a pinkish colour now. Almost the colour of Misha Dobriyal's face. She looked at me, her eyes narrowed.
"What..!?" I asked her. She was unnerving.
"Why don't you want to be my friend, Abhay?"
Now it was my turn to go blank. IThe question completely caught me off-guard as I looked at Misha's childlike eyes, questioning.
"Umm..What do you mean?" She rolled her eyes in annoyance and said, "I mean.. you don't talk to me. Usually people don't talk to me cause they don't like me or because I'm mean to them, you know? But I'm normal to you ! So why don't you like me?" Her childlike innocence. It was truly charming. She suddenly just made me want to laugh. It was the first time someone had ever asked me something like that.
"I.. it isn't like that Misha. I just don't have time to talk to--"
"Time!? That's a bullshit reason, Abhay Raichand!" Then came one more swat on the arm. Four swatts. What did I do to deserve this? She gave a cute puff and then gave me threatening eyes and repeated herself. "Kyun? You don't like me kya?" I couldn't just turn away at that moment. I would have gladly just ran away from her but I couldn't bring myself to.
"Misha.. listen. I.. My.. Argh." Her eyes persuaded me to answer and I said, "I find it hard to talk to people. I find it really hard to make friends. Okay? I'm not a nice guy and I'm quite mean. You don't want to be friends with me."
I tried getting up but Misha pulled me down, "You're walking away?! Chicken, Abhay! We need to talk this out." I sat down, much to my discomfort and Misha looked at me, asessing me. "I like you Abhay. You kind of give me the creeps and all. But you love Piya----don't roll your eyes at that! You do! Anyway, you seem to be the kind of guy I'd like to hang out with."
She then gave me a small smile and her eyes still carried a questioning look.
Her offer was tempting. I really wanted a friend.
"I.. Misha. I told you na? I'd be a really bad friend to you."
"That doesn't matter, Abhay. Honestly. If you're a bad friend, we'll deal with it as it comes. For now, let's just be." She then sealed our conversation with a million-dollar smile.
I smiled at her. When's the last time you smiled Abhay? Smile nicely at her or she may just get creeped out.
She looked at the the now darkening sky and said, "What'd you learn today Abhay?"
"Huh?" I said.
"I mean. tell me. What do you think you've learnt from today?" I looked at the sky and thought that question out. I need a friend who I can share my feelings with.
"I don't know.. you tell me."
She scrunched up her nose and oddly I felt like piching her cheeks. She looked at me, the sky and said, "Today.. I realized that the people that smile and laugh are the ones that are suffering the most. Take Piya for instance, Abhay." I saw Misha Dobriyal's smile vanish and her eyes became cloudy and far-away.
"You know what Abhay? Laughter isn't only the best medicine.. It's also the best disguise."
I of all the people know that, Misha.
I looked at her and nodded. She shook her head and grinned. "You?" I looked at her small head, her bright shrewd eyes and said, "I don't know how to tell you this Misha..Umm." Her eyes immediately turned serious on seeing my serious expressions. "I've learnt that there are better ways of comitting suicide than falling off a cliff."
For a second or two, Misha was speechless. Then the younger Dobrial burst into laughter. It sounded amazing, her full loud laugh. It echoed throughout the silent mountains.
I looked at her laughing and I started smiling too and slowly my smile turned into a laugh as well. When's the last time you laughed Abhay? Has it always felt this great? Her smile slowly faded and then she said, "It's late. I gotta get home. Want a lift?"
My immediate reply was a curt no and I saw a feeling of hurt pass thorough her eyes, "Oh.. okay."
I immediately repented for that and said, "Umm.. Maybe uptil the college? I can make my way from there." She smiled at me then, a full blown grin and said, "Hop on, Raichand!"
I got onto the backseat of Misha Dobriyal's black bike and we rode on the empty streets of Dehradun. Misha was on an easy 70 kmph and she looked at me through the rear-view and smiled. "Wanna go faster?!" She screamed.
I nodded subconsciously as Misha raised the speed to a hundred.
Then, as I we were speeding on Misha's bike, the cool blast of air hitting my face, I felt calm again. The kind of calm I felt when I knew something was going right in my life.