ok i wrote this few months ago for my FF but i feel its suits Abhay's currant state of mind, although i did some alterations in it, here and there, as the situation in the show is somehow different then my FF😉
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Piya I know I hurt you very deeply, but I did all this just to make you stay away from me! I am not good for you!, with me you will have a very dark future or no future at all, I can't bare to have that on my conscious, I can't bare to steal your future away from you, even if that means I have to live alone for the rest of my miserable life!. I didn't choose to be what I am, and I can't let you be part of this even if that means I have to break your innocent heart that was clearly calling out mine!
I feel disgusted from my own self! From my mixed emotions that make me feel so weak in front of you! Why did I let my self lose control on that night when I kidnapped and hurt you and yesterday when I kissed you, ah! Those kisses that burned my lips, tangled my whole body, shook me and made me feel like I am still alive, like I am still a normal boy who is in love with the most beautiful girl, who has a beautiful mind of her own, and the most captivating soul! You don't know but it took me a tremendous well power to back off and not kiss those tender lips!
It has been so long since I felt like this for any one! Why my feelings for you remind me constantly of the way I once felt! why they torture me and make me recall all that emotions I have experienced before for Maithli, her lose broke my heart to pieces and shuttered my dreams, her tragic death is still a burden on my conscious till day!, I don't want you end up like her, never!
You love me, I can feel it now more then ever, I wish you didn't, then you wouldn't have suffered because of me, I wish I could accept your love but I cant be that selfish , but then I would rather parish then to live like this alone without you! But I can't live with you too!
Knowing that finally there was someone my heart longs for beside my precious Miatyhli, knowing that finally there is some one who truly loves me like Miatlhi, is such a bless I am not worthy of, you love me but unfortunately you don't know who you are in love with! You my love, though you suspected that I am a monster but still somehow you think I am a normal boy, I wish I was! Now even more then ever! But wishes don't come true my love!
Its ironic how my heart got twisted, as the first time I saw you I hated you because you reminded me of the darkest phase of my miserable lonely life!, your beautiful face reminded me of the guilt that I was trying to wash away for two centuries now, you reminded me of the girl whom once I loved so deeply, and lost so tragically, her lose broke my heart to million pieces, it stopped my heart from beating!, I thought I would never fall in love again. I thought I would shut my cold lifeless heart and never let my self feel this way about anyone again, but how wrong I was!
I tried to hate you but as I got to know you, I knew you are so innocent just like an angel, so how can I be with you when I know I am nothing but a demon! But how can I convince my foolish heart, as it seems it has a mind of it's own, no matter how hard I try to keep away from you, it drags me back to you, I feel so helpless and I try to build a wall between us by being so hurtful and rude with you, but the more I try, the more pain I feel.
It's harder to let you go now that I know how it feels to hold you in my arms, and so close to my lonely heart, how it feels to smell your sensational aroma,, how can I shut you out of mind, now that I know that you yearn for me as I do for you! Why couldn't I stay away from you? Or control my self whenever I am near you!
I have taken an oath long time ago, that I wouldn't get close to any one!, but my heart betrayed me! It helplessly and hopelessly fell for you, and then I had to take another oath to keep away from you so that I won't harm you ever, that I would always protect you, then why am I losing my grip on my emotions?! and how will I make sure that you are safe, when now I am so far away from you? this anxiety is torturing me!
It hurts to see you hurt, you think I don't care, I don't give a damn about your pain, what you are oblivious of is that it took me years of practice to be like this, but sometimes I am so afraid because you are the only one who can see right through me!.
I won't be selfish like once I was, so I have to live without you! I must stay away from you even if that means I have to dismiss my heartache and keep a distant! I have to do whatever it takes to keep you away from me even if that means I have to break you heart but how can I convince my own heart that aches for you day and night!
You don't have any idea how it's difficult for me to act being cold and indifferent, when every time I see you, every inch of me longs to take you in my arm!, I try to suppress my feelings but it seems I have failed Piya, if only you knew how lonely and lost I feel without you now, but I wont fail you I promise I wont!. That's why I have to keep you in dark! Its better if you suffer a little now, and live happily later, I have started this and I can't back off now! no matter what, and from now on I have to stay away from you, i can never go back to you even if it kills me inside!
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