Chapter 68: My Immortal
Her hands tried to grab onto any surface that she could find as she felt him run his lips over her skin, but there was only the wall and nothing else in front of her.
She turned around quickly and found support in his arms, which she needed very much when she felt his lips against her neck.
A few minutes into it when she felt as though her heart was going to beat out of her chest, she stopped him, placing her fingers against his lips.
"This is going to change everything." She said finally when she managed to look him in the eye.
"It's already changed." He whispered as he raised her to her tip-toes to kiss her lips.
Her eyes closed as the same sensation that has taken ahold of her every time she replayed the dream from last night came over her now. She refused to believe it and even fought it all the while that she leaned up to give herself over to his kiss.
When they finally pulled away, she looked up at him in wonder.
"It wasn't a dream last night, was it? You kissed me. You carried me from the hallway back to this room, thew me on this bed, pulled me back by my leg when I tried to get away, and held me under you to keep me still, and then you kissed me." She recited as if she could see it all in her mind now.
He didn't say anything, but stood still under her gaze, not knowing how she was going to react next.
"You are not doing this just to help me." She declared as she looked into his eyes to see if there was anything there that was going to give away his feelings.
"Why not?" he asked. "What does yesterday's madness have to do with today?"
"Ah, so it was madness. What sort of madness was it Shashank? You are not the type of man who allows himself to be seized by madness. You are stoic to the point of being a robot."
Suddenly he picked her up in his arms with no warning and carried her to her bathroom.
"What are you doing? Shaan!"
But he didn't listen as he walked her right over to the double sinks and sat her between them before lifting her sari up to her knees. She tried to shrug it down, but he was stronger than her and he managed as he wanted. They were mostly all faded, but there were still some marks that were faintly visible on her shin, particularly those against the bone, from where she had cut herself so long ago.
"You have made sixty-three cuts on your shin altogether, five of which were deep. This one here" he pointed to one of the marks that was the most visible, "bled so much that I thought that I would have to take you to the hospital. That I wouldn't be able to wrap it up and stop the bleeding just by myself. And this one" he pointed at one of the other marks slight lower, "you were stupid and careless and I wanted to kill you because any deeper and it would have sliced into your bone." Without any preamble, he lifted the edge of her sari a bit higher and ran his hand vertically down a patch of smooth skin where there were no marks. "And here, there was a cut here that of course time has erased all evidence of. But that day you really scared me because you had never cut above your knee before and I worried so much that it was getting worse… that pretty soon one day you would call me and I would find you here with cuts all over your body. Do you know how many nights I have lost sleep worrying about you? Do you have any idea? Of how many times I have tried to tell myself to cut all contact with you because you are the most sadistic woman I have ever met? I have never expected any sort of gratitude from you, but you repeatedly go out of your way to make me miserable in any way possible. What am I, your slave to do with as you please? And the one woman that I found who I was genuinely happy with, my one chance at happiness, I threw away that night when I came to you in Goa. You are like a vampire, Thalia. You suck a man's soul so dry that he is just an empty and pathetic shell when you are done with him."
She heard his voice over and over again in her head even after he finished speaking, the words repeating themselves as if it was a cacophony of echoes. She watched his face, now anything but stoic, and then watched him fight to regain his composure, and felt the tears start in her eyes.
He closed his eyes then as he whispered. "I am sorry. Please don't cry."
But she couldn't help it as the tears kept flowing, dripping onto her heated skin.
"I cut my wrist because I couldn't bear to live in a world where I wouldn't have you anymore."
His eyes opened suddenly, registering shock.
"I know it was selfish and stupid. But it wasn't just an attempt. I had figured out how to do it so that there was maximum loss of blood from both wrists. And you were never supposed to find out. That's why I had gone away to Goa." She paused to wipe her tears, but there were more now just waiting to pour out. "I had dreaded that day forever, when you would finally get fed up because of me or because you had to move on with your life and leave me forever. And then suddenly it was here, before I knew it. But it wasn't meant to take away your happiness, Shaan. I have never cared about anyone's happiness in the world more than yours, honestly… You were the only one holding me back from taking my life even before, even when I wanted you to not be held back because of me. I didn't want to call you any of those times when I did this to myself and each time I was so much more horrid to you than the time before because I hoped that you would finally never come back when I called. But you kept on coming back. It was like I could never be mean enough to drive you away forever, only just enough for you to hate me." She looked at him then, her big eyes filling with fresh tears before they too rolled down. And he thought his non-existent heart would break. "And then, that day in the hotel room, I knew I wouldn't have to call you ever again. You would finally be free of me. Forever…. Obviously, as has been painfully clear time and again, my plans never quite work out the way that I plan them out."
Before he could stop her, she slid off the sink and walked back into the room. He followed her in, feeling as if someone had just dropped him into the ocean and asked him to swim ashore on his own while all he could see was the deep blue everywhere. She grabbed a CD and brought it back to him. On the front of it were two words - My Immortal - and a date; it was the date of the day before his wedding.
"This was my only company when I went to that hotel room that night and did this to myself." She said, showing him the faint marks on both her wrists. "A bit on the melodramatic side, but I think Evanescence says what I feel about you and what you've been to me much better than I can say myself."
He put the CD in the player and waited for the song to load while she walked over and climbed onto the window ledge. She settled there with her knees bent and her cheek resting against them, just as she had done in the dining room, except this time she was looking out of the window.
And then the song started.
"I'm so tired of being here…
Suppressed by all my childish fears…
And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave…
'cause your presence still lingers here.
And it won't leave me alone…
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real…
There's just too much that time cannot erase…
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears…
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears…
And I held your hand through all of these years…
But you still have…. all of me…
You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I am bound by the life you left behind
Your face, it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me…
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real…
There's just too much that time cannot erase…
When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears…
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears…
And I held your hand through all of these years…
But you still have…. all of me…
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me,
I've been alone all along…"
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*For those of you who are unfamiliar with this song, it is My Immortal by Evanescense.*
http://www.youtube.com/watchv=5anLPw0Efmo&feature=artistob&playnext=1&list=TLjUQxponTNhA
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