Hello peeps. I have been meaning to write a physiological profile on Shaurya Shaberwal for a long time. This seemed like an apt time. We are taught Child Psychology and Behavior Management of Problem child while treating them with certain signs and symptoms to diagnose the issue. When I first started watching this show I saw the manifestation of every thing we learnt and that's one of the reasons I started watching this show. People here are confused about his character and thought process so I thought why not clear it up and make sense of his action. If you see it through this lense his angry out burst and violent tendencies might make sense to you like it did to me. This is no way a justification of his behavior or his actions but this might give you some clarity and how it will evolve and what can you expect. Hope you give it a patient read. Trust me it will be worth. Also I have given the links to the reference articles below so kindly have a look.
Physical abuse can leave physical scars, while emotional abuse leaves psychic ones, but what about emotional neglect? The absence of emotional support in childhood can be as damaging and long-lasting as other traumas. But, because you can’t point to exactly where and when the wounding happened, it can be hard to identify and overcome it. Emotional neglect is not the same as child abuse because it is often unintentional. While some parents might intentionally ignore their child’s emotions, others may fail to notice or respond to their child’s emotional needs. Your parents could have tried their best and loved you very much, but they may still have neglected your emotional needs, nonetheless.
Some phrases that may be familiar to a victim of childhood emotional neglect include:
“You don’t really feel that way.”
“It wasn’t that bad.”
“It’s not worth getting upset about.”
“Stop being so dramatic.”
When your parents don’t notice, value, or respond to your emotions, or they question your emotions when you express them, they unintentionally send a message to you that your feelings don’t matter or that there’s something wrong with the way you feel. To cope, you learned to bury your feelings or to transform an “unacceptable” emotion like anger into an “acceptable” one like anxiety. (He is never learnt to let his emotions out in an healthy way so he doesn't know how to deal with them and express it in the easier term he knows. Extreme anger. Anokhi always asks him about why are you so angry or why are you so bitter? It's not her fault. It's probably not his too. He doesn't know any other way to express his emotion. Anger is the easiest one)
You’re afraid of relying on others, and you reject offers of help, support, or care.
You have a hard time identifying your strengths and weaknesses, likes and dislikes, and life goals.
You are harder on yourself than you would be even on a stranger, and you lack self-compassion and understanding.
You blame yourself almost exclusively, direct your anger inward, or feel guilt or shame about your needs or feelings.
You feel numb, empty, or cut off from your emotions, or you feel unable to manage or express them.
You are easily overwhelmed and give up quickly.(Explains why he gets overwhelmed by his feelings for Anokhi. He is not equipped to deal with those as of now).
You have low self-esteem.(That's why this constant need for validation and attention and even need for being on a pedestal in Anokhi's eyes)
You are extra sensitive to rejection.( that's why that extreme reaction when he felt Anokhi "rejected" him and his behaving like an angry cheated spouse)
You believe you are deeply flawed, and that there’s something about you that is wrong even though you can’t specifically name what it is.
Perfectionism(That explains his Academic records, perfect relationship and even impeccable perfect dressing in suits blazers and jackets)
CEN Adults and their relationship problems:
Fear of Being Dependent on Others
Independence is a good quality to have. But having a deep-seated fear about depending on anyone for anything, never asking for help or support, is not healthy.
(That's why he hates how Anokhi is affecting him and his growing dependence on her)
You Don’t Really Know Yourself
When you meet new people and have to tell them about yourself, do you find it difficult? Do you know your strengths and weaknesses? What you like and don’t like? Victims of CEN tend to not know themselves as well as they should.
(That's why Shaurya comes off as confused soul. Because he genuinely doesn't know what to do and how to make it go away.)
You’re a People Pleaser
You spend a lot of time trying to meet other people’s needs and pay little attention to your own. You’re hard on yourself but soft with others.
(That's why he always tries to please Devi and Tej even if he might not subscribe to their views and thoughts and not give support to Kanchan and Gaytri.)
You Feel Empty
This can feel different to different people. Maybe you feel an empty sensation in your gut, throat or chest. For some it comes and goes, for others, this feeling is there 24/7 – 365.
You Have Trouble Feeling Your Emotions
When your emotions were ignored as a child, you never learned how to feel them and express them in healthy ways. As an adult, do
You feel alone despite being around people who care for you.
When your emotions are walled off, you may not have access to the energy to generate closeness and connection. This can leave your feelings isolated and far away even if you are sitting in a room with others.
(Thats why inspite of having a large extended family Shaurya feels lonely even if people around you love you)
Relationships are one-sided.
Because CEN makes it difficult to be aware of your own emotions, it becomes difficult to share your thoughts and feelings with others. By not allowing yourself to take up space or contribute to a relationship, it can become more about the other person and less about you.
(That's why he couldn't really love Shagun.)
You have fewer and less rewarding relationships.
Due to relationships often being one-sided, they are less likely to be fulfilling. The lack of depth and sharing can cause relationships to be limited or short-lived. You can be a great friend to others, one who is always there, but never truly share what you are going through. Without taking chances to be vulnerable, your relationships may never reach their full potential.
Being social is draining.
By giving too much and not taking enough or sharing parts of yourself, a lot of energy is used up. You may not feel energized or filled-up while socializing because of the one-sided nature of interacting. Without taking time to just be yourself, so much energy is spent trying to be the person you think others want you to be.
(That's why he is a loner with no friends and no social life.)
Some myths and FAQs:
Myths and facts about child abuse and neglect
Myth: It’s only abuse if it’s violent.
Fact: Physical abuse is just one type of child abuse. Child neglect, or sexual and emotional abuse can inflict just as much damage. Since the signs are not always as obvious, other people may be less likely to intervene.
(Shaan and Astha may have unintentionally subjected Shaurya to this)
Myth: Only bad people abuse their children.
Fact: Not all abusive parents or guardians intentionally harm their children. Many have been victims of abuse themselves and don’t know any other way to parent. Others may be struggling with mental health issues or substance abuse problems.
(Shaan and Astha are good people. They don't and may never realise the emotional damage they have subjected their son to)
Myth: Abuse doesn’t happen in “good” families.
Fact: Abuse and neglect doesn’t only happen in poor families or bad neighborhoods. These behaviors cross all racial, economic, and cultural lines. Sometimes, families who seem to have it all from the outside are hiding a different story behind closed doors.
Myth: Most child abusers are strangers.
Fact: While abuse by strangers does happen, most abusers are family members or others close to the family.
Myth: Abused children always grow up to be abusers.
Fact: It is true that abused children are more likely to repeat the cycle as adults, unconsciously repeating what they experienced as children. On the other hand, many adult survivors of child abuse have a strong motivation to protect their children against what they went through and become excellent parents.
(This explains Shaurya's need for a homemaker and someone who makes him and his child the centre of attention. He wants to protect his future children to the abuse he faced.)
How to deal with the issue and get better?
Emotionally Aware: By tuning into your feelings, and observing your behaviors, you are better able to understand yourself. This, in turn, will help you in how you respond to people around you.
Develop Emotion Skills: As you learn to identify your feelings, you can work towards accepting them, tolerating a range of emotions, manage them, and communicate them with others.
Learn Communication Skills: Once you are aware of your feelings and have the ability to deal with your emotions, letting others know how you feel comes next. You will be able to tell someone that you are hurt. You will be able to ask someone for what you want and need. You will be able to express when you’re angry.
Find a therapist: A therapist can’t undo your childhood or erase mistakes your parents made, but they can provide you with the emotional toolkit your parents didn’t. A good therapist can help you identify your emotions, ask for what you need, learn to trust others, build self-esteem, handle rejection, build self-love, and more
The End.
Hope we all can have a civil discussion on this sensitive topic.
here are the references:
https://altitudecounseling.com/5-signs-of-childhood-emotional-neglect/
https://jenniferteublcounseling.com/childhood-emotional-neglect-and-your-adult-relationships/#:~:text=One%20of%20the%20biggest%20areas,to%20generate%20closeness%20and%20connection.
https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/child-abuse-and-neglect.htm
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