Hmm...something to mull over - Page 2

Originally posted by: petticoat

i dont see the point in spending much money for a wedding..that is why i keep telling my dad to pick the guy and i will elope after a mutual agreement😆

DUDE! You are nuts 😆, of course I love you for that "partner" (rings a bell? 😛) 🤗

rani is raani and komal is komal...there are people like rani's husband and there are rats like the guy who married komal..Neither of them need to have gone through what they did. There are tom boys and bold characters an d there are docile folks

Personally I can never understand the docile women and their patience but Caro, I have seen it in my experience and I think I can understand where these women come from. Like I was saying earlier, they try to make it work for their parents' sake. They feel like they've let down their parents if they don't fight and the immediate question that plagues them if they DO walk out on the marriage is "what now? "Where do I go from here?" . And it also has a lot to do with their up bringing and what the parents tell them when they are growing up. Some parents educate their daughters and explain them when they should keep quiet and when they should retaliate while some tell them that they are no less than the guy and should be fearless, some others ask them to just put up with it, fight it and try to triumph somehow. We cannot judge any of them but KNOWING when to stand up, when to draw the line and say ENOUGH is something all them should be aware of. And a part of me was REALLY hoping that yesterday's SMJ had dwelt on that.

What I like about SMJ is that it is in a way rational. There was a clear idea coming out that if there is a sudden demand or change of face, that is the wrong guy for you. Once you give in you need to always give in.

Yes but is that one indicator or piece of information enough? What about the cases where the girls themselves put pressure on the parents for money for their happiness and selfishness? Why did they not show that?

It is disgusting that gender can make a person less human or less valuable.

True but then the world has never been fair 😊 . The key is to be strong enough to be able to voice your opinions without fearing the repercussions and not in a Rakhi Sawant or Arundhati Roy way but in a sensible manner.


Why isnt the whole of India like the North east? Kudos to those folks

I agree- no wonder NE states always show up amongst the top literacy % states in our country. At least SOME people in our country actually LEARN something from their education 👏

Having seen the episode and having heard the victims or their families, I am unable to understand what makes women chose silence than retaliating or raising their voice against such exploitation. Especially the woman who was pursuing her Ph.D resorting to such an extreme measure like suicide is really surprising. Such stories makes one ponder over the reason and circumstances that makes the woman weak and unable to stand up for themselves if not for anyone else.

I wish we had psycho analysts in this episode who could discuss why such women remain silent. Or at least the question should have been put forth to such victims which might have led to the emphasis as to WHY women don't speak up. From what I understand it is the fear of society, the fear that their families will be looked down upon, the fear that they don't put their own sibling's chance at a HAPPY marriage at jeopardy if such incidents come out in the open. In the first case Komal said that her mother had advised her with a "vidaai" message not to return home following misunderstandings and fights with husband/in-laws. What girls most often fail to understand here is that it might have been a genuine advice from a caring parent not to jump to conclusions and end up leaving her house following silly arguments at home. Not that I blame the girls entirely either. Parents should also understand that they should not sacrifice their child's happiness in the name of family honor as per society's guidelines. Parents should make it clear to them that they would not support their daughter if she is wrong in her adverse decisions over petty arguments, yet in case of serious issues such as this, they always have their families back home for support.

I appreciate Rani's courage. I am also happy that she is lucky to have a fulfilling marriage after the brief stress she had gone through in her life. The bridegroom kidnapping incident, the way he narrated his story was funny, but he too has been lucky that his wife is a caring and understanding partner. I think he was brought in to highlight the fact that families who can't afford dowry can also resort to such measures to have their daughters married off.

The issue of extravagance in marriage celebrations needs to be seriously taken. It is too much of a financial burden for families who can't afford it. In the olden days relatives and friends were invited for marriages as witness. In case trouble brews up in such alliances, the elders who were witness to their marriage are called for intervening and finding a generally agreeable solution. The commercialization of the event happened much later. If this was the original reason for invitees in a marriage, the purpose doesn't get solved in today's world. Do people have time to intervene and find amicable solutions FOR a couple? It's obvious it's their lives and they themselves have to find a solution. Then what's the point of spending so much in weddings, spending money on people who don't matter to us as "family" or who wouldn't care a damn if we end up in a marital mess other than marital bliss.

Families spend so much to get the best husband to their daughters. It is obvious that in pursuit of happiness through marital bliss, they end up finding a husband for daughters but not a partner who could be strength of support in her life. Parents need to place their trust in their daughters first and spend on her education than placing their trust in strangers who would eventually be their son-in-law. What is the assurance that he would keep their daughter happy.

For women and parents who are still in search of prospective grooms, it is advisable that they undergo a premarital counseling when the groom is an NRI. The girl needs to be aware of the helpline/support organizations in Indian embassies abroad. Some paperwork can be made mandatory. The requirement of joint account for the couple can be made mandatory. If at all money is being withdrawn by the guy totally, the wife can still be aware about that. The wife needs to be familiar with the place of work of her husband. If issues come up, she can always seek help from the organization.

Originally posted by: Chitrashi

I agree with you that gender discrimination is the root of most evils in society - female foeticide, eve-teasing, sexual harassment, dowry, groom kidnapping - all have origin in the fact that we as a society treat one gender as superior to the other. The problem with the entire setup is that we idolize certain things and trivialize the others.

My sister met this childhood friend of hers after a gap of 10 years or so. In this interim - my sister had completed her MBA and achieved success in career, she was living in her own flat and driving her own car - all the trappings of a successful career woman. The friend however had married even before she completed her graduation. This is how the conversation went:

Friend: So you did not do anything with your life in all these years.

Sister: Why what else do you think I should have done? Can't you see I'm so successful - I have a good job, own flat, own car all luxuries and even my retirement planned.

Friend: I gave birth to a son. what did you achieve?

Sister (laughing): Yes I did not give birth to a son, but when your son grows up and looks for a job send him to me.

The parameters by which a girls achievements are judged are vastly different from that a man. We can laugh about it but fact remains that in our schools, colleges, workplaces there is rampant discrimination.

Question that ran in my mind today was that should a girl who is courageous enough to expose a person demanding dowry still be looking for"acceptance"? It is not for the guy to "accept" her but for her to "approve" the groom. When we move to the point when women can say to a groom that "you do not deserve to marry me" then can we say that gender equality has been achieved.

Originally posted by: megustajalebi

In response to the last paragraph:

I think it's insensitive to say that you can't have any sympathy for an abuse victim that comes from an educated background. Abuse occurs in all types of households regardless of their economic or educational status. I have never been a victim of such harsh abuse myself, but I want to point out that enduring such situations completely distorts a person's personality and mindset. They feel helpless and embarrassed and frightened. Even the strongest of people can become completely shattered. To an outsider, it might seem like an easy move to walk out while yelling obscenities but to the victims, it's nearly an impossible idea.

For example, in Komal's situation, I thought it was really strange that she never reached out for help in the US until she nearly starved to death. She had access to her phone and could have easily called 911. However I realized that I couldn't understand what was happening in her mind because I was looking at this as an outsider.

Originally posted by: petticoat

i dont see the point in spending much money for a wedding..that is why i keep telling my dad to pick the guy and i will elope after a mutual agreement😆

Originally posted by: Bazinga

True but then the world has never been fair 😊 . The key is to be strong enough to be able to voice your opinions without fearing the repercussions and not in a Rakhi Sawant or Arundhati Roy way but in a sensible manner.

Originally posted by: Bazinga

Yes but is that one indicator or piece of information enough? What about the cases where the girls themselves put pressure on the parents for money for their happiness and selfishness? Why did they not show that?

Originally posted by: Chitrashi

You see that's my problem with such situations. Why do so called educated women put up with nonsense under the garb of marriage? The time to walk out and protest is not when you are at death's door but the day the first taunt is uttered or a hand is raised the first time.

When I was young, I stayed with an uncle's family for a few months till I got hostel accommodation during my graduation. This person had a filthy tongue and would keep cracking the filthiest of jokes at dinner time. The first day I kept quiet, the second day I refused to eat anything in his house. The day he cracked the first anti-women joke was the day I told him in a very loud voice and in front of his family that since he was himself raised by a woman by making such statements he was insulting his mother, wife and daughter. Believe me till then that person was the most scary person in the family, after that no one has had any complaints from him.

I've never been in a situation which these women have, but I do know that my parents would be ashamed of me if I kept quiet if I put up with such nonsense. MIL taunts you call up her best friend just to chit chat and ask her advice on what to do if someone says something like this to you and repeat verbatim what your MIL said. Husband raises his hand on you, ask him very sweetly if he's feeling alright, because you are the one who packed his lunch and made the dinner too; and then go and order a pizza for yourself and borrow money from the neighbor to pay for it.

My take on the situation is that when men claim that they are being unnecessarily being harassed by their wives under the garb of Dowry laws, it is just that these girls had the courage to teach their wayward husbands a lesson and now the bully is crying foul because he's reaping what he sowed.

Maybe I'm insensitive, but seriously what these women need is not someone to hold them and let them shed tears, but a solid kick on the backside to remind them that they are human beings too and intelligent ones at that so that they can stand on their own feet.