He had refused to seriously consider her leaving him (again) . Somewhere he had felt that she would be back, and if not, that he still had time, because she loved him and would wait for him, if only in the metaphorical sense, and he would be able to talk her into returning. He wanted to stop her from leaving, but his ego would not let him admit that. So he had let her go, kept in touch through calls and messages, tried to keep alive the only bond he could admit to.
But then it all suddenly stopped. Her number was no longer operative, and when he went to her parents' home, they were not welcoming; in fact they were uncharacteristically abrupt, and would only tell him that she was no longer there and to leave her alone, like he had any choice. He tried Bhavna, who basically told him the same thing.
"Why are you saying this, what's happened?" he asked Bhavna.
"She doesn't want to talk. Please let it go, Yuvraj. Let her go--why do you want this charade anyway?"
"Let Suhani tell me that," he tried to insist. If he could only speak to her, he was sure she would not be able to shut him out.
"She's changed her mind, okay? You made a choice, now she's made hers," said Bhavna.
The arguments were circular--and what could he say, really? What rights could he invoke when he had set the rules? But what had happened NOW to suddenly make her refuse to talk to him? What part of the murky past had risen up to bite him in the arse?
At first he was merely uneasy, concentrating more on the why than the actual meaning of her breaking all ties with him. Then the reality hit him, as he felt bereft and hurt, overwhelmed by lonliness, too used to her, too much in need of her. It had been okay while they were still in touch--not all good, because he did miss her, but tolerable, because he thought, vainly, foolishly, that when he had finally worked through his complex feelings, she would be there, happy to have him, welcoming him back into her life.
And to make it even worse and more troubling, she was no longer in touch with maa or Sharad either. He was angry on his mother's behalf, but whom could he show his anger to? How do you accuse or shout at a person who won't see or hear you? He trashed his room instead, taking out his frustrations on the things around him. There was no longer anyone who would listen or care. Or hold her ears in apology or snap back at him or argue or counter-accuse. Or look at him like he was the sun of her world, or smile when he tried to cheer her up or indulge him and who would love him no matter what. Or no one whom he wanted in quite the same way.
He sank into a chair and held his head in his hands, experiencing a shaft of pain so piercing that it took his breath away. He saw her laughing, he saw her jabbering away, he saw her in a dozen different situations in a dozen different moods, as he had since she left. But it had never felt like this, this keening sense of loss, of hopelessness and despair. Why did it hurt so much, they were just friends, right? Losing friends can hurt, he told himself. But not like this, piped up some other part of his brain. Deny away all you want, but this is not the pain of losing a buddy. It is the pain of losing the wife you kept at arm's length until it was too late. Of missed opportunities and wasted chances.
What hit him was that he had not seen a future she was not a part of. In the innermost recesses of his heart he had imagined his life with her when he had overcome the block that kept him from accepting how much he wanted her, of acknowledging that he, Yuvraj Birla, was in thrall to a girl he once dismissed as unworthy of his attention.
"Suhani," he whispered. "I am sorry I've been so stupid. But I will find you, and I will tell you that, even if it changes nothing. "
Links to all chapters here
