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Rate episode 66: "Ekk Insaan Do Maut"
"Let me ask you the same question. Do you regret having married me?"
He looks me straight in the eye and responds.
"I do!"
Ashu's POV
" I do!"
The hurt in her eyes kills me. I hasten to continue.
"I regret our marriage not for me but for you. For all the pain that it has forced you to suffer, for all the bitterness that you have kept bottled up within you. This Raja hoped to draw from the brilliant colours of his titli but it appears he has only succeeded in coating her with his own bitterness."
She shakes her head in negation but I need to have my say.
"Nidhi, you asked me if I really needed you. You know Mallika would have never asked me this question!"
Her face was now leeched of all colour.
"She knew, Nidhi. She knew how much I needed you. She sensed it even before I did. What do you think all of what she did was about? It was her fighting against my fundamental need for you, a fight that she knew she was doomed to lose!"
Her face softens and I can see the sun peeking out from behind the clouds.
"I need to tell you a story, Nidhi. A story that I should have told you a long time ago! Will you listen even if it repulses you?"
She frowns but nods anyway.
"Forty three years ago, a newborn was found in a garbage bin by an unknown good Samaritan!"
Tears well in her eyes and she gets up and comes towards me. I hold my hand up this time.
"The story has just begun. If you hold me now, I will never be able to complete it. Please let me have my say!"
She slumps down on the bed again.
"The good Samaritan took him to an orphanage where he lived till the age of twelve. Every second of those twelve years, he was reminded of how fortunate he was! How fortunate he was that he had food and shelter, when his own parents had thrown him to the dogs! There was a wicked warden in that orphanage who took great pleasure in heaping violence on the kids. He would make them work for every morsel of food that he gave them. He would beat them up for the slightest fault and starve them for days as punishment. He would take sadistic pleasure in telling them how unwanted they were and how they should go on their knees and thank him for being kind enough to take them in. He hated them with a passion and never failed to show it to them. The little boy grew up in this atmosphere of hatred, believing himself unworthy of love. When he was twelve, yet another Good Samaritan visited the municipal school that he studied at. He was impressed with the boy's intelligence and decided to take him under his wings. He took him away from the orphanage and gave the boy his first home. So, the boy believed. Although he never gave him his name, he gave him everything else that the boy needed. The boy felt loved for the first time in his life and felt he finally belonged. Until, one day, twenty years when he was orphaned again!"
Nidhi is crying hard by now but I have to finish what I started.
"Nidhi, I know I am far more fortunate compared to many other orphaned children. I managed to get a good education; I had a foster father who cared for me, a great career as a doctor and enough money to keep me in comfort. Believe me, Nidhi, I know I should be grateful for my lot in life. Gratitude was the first lesson that we were taught at the orphanage. With sticks and heated iron rods, no less. We were taught to be grateful for crumbs, grateful for pittance because we actually deserved none. We were the scum who had been discarded by our own parents. When a child is not worthy of the love of its own parents, why would the world consider it worthy of its affection? We were taught all of this very young!"
I take a deep breath and continue.
"When Mallika first proposed to me, my initial feeling was guilt. I could not feel for her what she claimed to feel for me. I, an unwanted scum, was finally considered worthy of love but was ungrateful enough to reject it. Mallika never said this in so many words but she never let me forget that I had rejected her either. We were great friends on the surface but beneath it, there was a lot of resentment too. She resented me for not loving her and I resented myself for the same. We were bonded as much by our friendship as by this resentment. Neither of us could let go and move on. And when Baba left me, she became my sole anchor. The only one who refused to abandon me despite my rejection! I, an unworthy scum, had dared to reject her and yet she stayed on in support. Can you imagine the burden of debt this placed on me?"
She listens to me intently, seeming outwardly calm.
"Then you came into my life. Or rather you ushered life into my existence. It was like you woke me up from slumber. Suddenly, I saw my self-worth in your eyes. I knew my capabilities as a doctor and as successful professional! But I recognized my worth as a person in your eyes; I stopped seeing myself as the scum that I was told I was. Finally, there was someone who considered me an equal. Who offered me a relationship on equal terms or rather, somebody who looked up to me and made me feel good about who I was! I fell in love with a naughty young girl who was yet so full of compassion. Someone who showered so much of maternal love on the kids from the orphanage! For the first time, I too experienced maternal l love even if vicariously, Nidhi! I fell in love with the chid and the mother within you! That you thought me worthy of love made me feel better about myself!"
I pause for breath but she does not break the silence.
"Do you know that Mallika recognized my feelings for you even before I did? She tried to shame me out of them and even succeeded partly. However, ours was a love story waiting to happen. So happen it did! Every moment of which I shared with her! She was my friend and she knew I had no feelings for her other than friendship. I thought she would put aside her emotions and rejoice for me, in the name of our friendship. I thought our friendship was unconditional. Every moment of my joy I shared with her, not realizing that I was feeding an obsession that would cut loose on me soon!"
I am getting a little tired of all this soul-bearing. As if sensing this, Nidhi comes and sits by my chair. She puts her head on my lap. I don't have the strength to stop her! I stroke her head as I continue.
"While our breaking up was very tough on me, do you know why I so readily agreed? Because somewhere I was convinced that it was a dream that was anyway going to end. My worthlessness would ensure this one way or the other!"
She looks up at me with her heart in her eyes. I take hold of her hand and kiss it.
"I am not blaming you, Nidhi. I know you hurt as much as I did. Maybe you had a different way of showing it but still, you hurt! But even in my misery, I could not take what Mallika once again offered. On the rebound, she married Jagan and that will remain on my conscience forever. I could never offer her marriage but as a friend, I should have prevented her from destroying her life. My scum status was reinforced!"
She looks angry now and wants to say something but I hold my hand up.
"You took me into your world when we got married, Nidhi. You helped me sprout roots, to forge new bonds. Thanks to you, I belonged to a family at last! And then, Mallika came back and, with her, all my guilt and self-doubt too!"
She lays her head and my lap and looks up at me.
"I trusted her out of habit, Nidhi. She had not betrayed me till then or so I thought. Yes, I know all about what she did. She told me that day, while I was driving her to the hospital!"
There is a spark in her eye which tells me she knows. Has Mallika been talking to her? Anyhow, this was not the time for that!
"When her unrequited love had not destroyed our friendship, I thought my love for you could not either. She knew I needed you more than my next breath, she had seen what breaking up with you had done to me. I did not imagine that my friend would wish that heartbreak on me again!"
She closes her eyes wearily.
"And I trusted you and our love, Nidhi. Just that I did not trust myself. I thought my love had a destructive influence on you. I thought my love had made you insecure enough to lash out at her. The fault was not yours but that of my love. My own inability to make you feel secure in my love had brought this on you or so I thought. I was convinced that my own evil, the reason why my parents rejected me, had struck you down too. And there was also the principled part of me, my only source of self-worth, which kicked in and said I had to prove myself non-partisan. And so, I let you go. I knew you were a brave and a smart girl. You had it in you to fight the world and survive. So, I let you go that night, hoping that you would get away from my destructive influence. I had neither been a good friend nor a good husband. I had already destroyed Mallika's life and now I stood by and watched you destroy yours. So, I sent you away! And then, you came back! When you apologized, while the judge in me rejoiced at being proved right, the husband and lover was grateful that my destructive influence had not put you beyond redemption. How we revel in our glorious vanities! And yet, I was not vain, Nidhi! My belief in my destructive influence was only furthered by all of this"
I can see a new understanding in her eyes. But I still wonder if I am worthy of it. Am I still making excuses for my inadequacies?
"There is a part of me that hates Mallika now. I hate her for what she did to you. But I don't want to hold on to the hate, Nidhi. Not because I have forgiven her but because I want to forgive myself. I can't carry on with this burden of self-hate and self-doubt. So long as I hate her, I cannot be free of my own guilt. So, I don't want to hate. But she is not a dear friend anymore. Just an acquaintance, who was once a good friend! An acquaintance, who is now in need of help. An acquaintance who nurtures an innocent child within her! And that child does not deserve our hatred, Nidhi! Neither yours nor mine! If it does, then I deserve hatred for the actions of my parents too! I deserve to be hated for their abandoning me! I had two good Samaritans who saved me from a life of despair! I think it is my turn now to be a good Samaritan to this child. To protect it and give it a new lease of life! To this end, the waves of this hatred should not reach out and impact Mallika now, since she bears the child within her. Beyond this, Mallika matters nothing to me. She has lost my absolute trust and has no hopes of regaining it in this lifetime. And what is friendship without absolute trust?"
I feel the wetness of her tears on my lap. I lift her up towards me, She rises and plonks herself on my lap, throwing her arms around my neck. We remain like this for a long, long time!
"Thank you for sharing what you did with me! You make feel prouder of my choice! Thank you for telling me what I mean to you. Not that I did not know but we women do like being reassured once in a way!"
I look deep into her eyes.
"What did you think we were doing every time we lost ourselves in each other? Was that not a reaffirmation of our love, of our commitment, of our vows?"
She nods even as she smiles.
"Nidhi, I was told that I had no right to want. I did not deserve to experience want or need. You taught me to want, you taught me to need. And you taught me to express that need. Every time, I have expressed my need to you, I have let go of my insecurities, my sense of rejection just a little bit!"
She hugs me fiercely,
"Thank you for trusting me!"
" I remember your telling me couples expressed their gratitude differently".
Her smile lights up her face and my life. She holds my hand and leads me into our own world of magic!
good write Sujatha...š
Kyunki Saas Bhi Kabhi Bahu Thi 2
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