Are our Elders dreams really a BURDEN for us? - Page 3

@Mudra.. nice question...

Mudra, interesting points you have raised..

Let me share with you something from my own life...a conflict between my daughter and me...

My daughter had just completed her first year BA when she got admission to the London School of Economics...this was a huge thing as it is a very prestigious school..

I was dead against it though...I felt that she was not ready to make such a big move at eighteen...her argument was that I had allowed my son to move to Dubai to do his engineering when he was seventeen...to be honest, I was against that as well but my husband just steamrolled me into accepting it...

But with regard to my daughter, I made it very clear to both her and my husband that I was not for it...apart from her age, I felt it was too big a commitment for her to make...she had not partiucarly enjoyed studying economics for a year,...I felt it ws the idea of London that was fascinating her rather than the course...my son in the meantime had gotten a chance to complete his engineering in Illinois but had turned it down...he felt that he would be better off completing the course where he had started it and then moving on...and I agreed with him...

I knew I was taking my son's side on this but I was also aftaid that there would be conflict between the siblings over this later in life...and I wanted to avoid that at any cost..however, I did not share all fhis with her and just told her that I was not for it...

My husband unfortunately kept encouraging our daughter till the last minute ...and then finally, when I had to put my foot down, quite naturally she rebelled...there were many stormy arguments, heavy duty fights and crying...for almost close to six months, our relationship was really strained..

One day, she asked me why I had allowed her to dream when I knew I was not going to let them be fulfilled...it broke my heart and I felt like a heel..she said she would never have done anything to hurt me and that my happiness mattered most to her...but she wished I had been more transparent wiith her right updront...both of us hugged and cried together that day...

Not that the resentment went away immediately afterwards...it continued for a while...till one fine day, she just hugged me and said that while she resented me for what i did then, she now understood my decision and was happy I had decided what I did...

What I learnt from this was that you need to be transparent with your approach upfront...share your concerns and your fears openly...I am saying this should happen from both ends...sit down and talk rather than run away at the first hint of trouble...there is nothing that dialogue cannot resolve...maybe if I had done that instead of not being transparent with my daughter, we would have both been saved a lot of angst and resentment!

Sujatha. thanks for sharing the real life experience.. 🤗

Thanks Tanu...we all need to learn from each other's mistakes 😊..

This is what I have been saying with re to the baby conflict between Ashutosh and Nidhi...they both needed to sit down and talk,...that never happened...

To start with, he was even hesitant voicing his thoughts on the subject for fear of hurting or annoying her...he did not feel confident voicing his desires to her,..and then, when she sensed conflcit, she promplty said let us not talk about it for now...brushing things under the carpet never helps...she is not willing to confront and discuss his desire because she is afraid it will compromise her choice...he is not willing to be open about his desires because he is scared to offend or hurt her...and then we blame Mallika for their conflict...Mallika can only be a catalyst and never the cause of conflcit...because their emotions for each other transcend a thousand Mallikas!

Similarly, DB only knew a Nidhi who prayed to Bajrang Bali to make her fail...she cannot understand this new Nidhi who wants to achieve something in her profession...telling her to shut up or not interfere is not the solution...that woman is part reason for who Nidhi is today...she has every right to voice her thoughts...Nidhi just needed to take some time off to sit with DB and explain her compulsions, her fears and her dreams...I am sure DB would understand...did she not relent in the case of Ashutosh...?

Yh.. agree with that DB bit. .the major reason for making the post.. ur parents or those who truly love u.. will always relent.. u just need to b patient.. n respectful ... tho many times coz of impulsiveness n aggressiveness we tend to complicate things..!

True Tanu...understandable given that they need conflict in a daily soap...actually even in real life, lack of communication is the root of the problem...particularly in the beginning of a marriage...reason why the first year is quite stormy many times...wisdom only comes with hindsight!

Very sensitive n relevant point Tanu...Ya i think it sometimes becomes burden if the expectation turns over-expectation ,Olders should try tounderstand the changing compulsions of the society but it's also true,Young generation also bcums selfish in certain areas.So it can't be said-anyone is fully wrong or right,it depends upon the situation.

@ Sujatha,

Thank you for sharing the personal life experience... surely it was an experience for everyone to understand the both sides of the coin..

While talking about the personal experiences, I had slightly different experience.. I had a child when I was 21. Whatever I was arguing irrational till one year before, started appearing rational to me when I stood on the other side of the problem... suddenly, I could understand my mother's POV very clearly...


Again, I had attended post graduation along with kids 18 years younger to me... While fighting for each and every test in terms of percentiles and not in percentages (which I was used to), I had a good experience in putting forward my way of solving problems and accepting the others' to me.

This has helped me ..when my son chose a career in sports management... everyone in the family were sure about this IIT grad to be working in a corporate office, I was glad that my son put his skills to more challenging , innovative and refreshing ideas... he designs coaching techniques and devises the technical solutions for football and tennis games...

I think age has got nothing to do with the perspective, but experiences do...😊

Very true, Mudra..

Experience teaches you what age may not...and coincidentally, I too became a mother at 21...

Good that you backed your answer in taking the relatively offbeat track despite your conventional career choice...maybe it was the challenges that you overcame that gave you the courage to support his choice...

My mother had me when she was 32...she was married at 28 and lost her first two kids,...so, when I got married, she kept pushing me for a kid...I realized that her own experience was probably making her do what she was...after two kids and twenty odd years, i am glad her experience helped me make the right choice..because I never had to take maternity breaks in my career...and am still relatively young when my kids are grown up practically and living their own lives 😊