A new FF - What does Ram really think? update pg14 - Page 3

June 1^st

Yeh kya ho gaya? Ishika ki shaddi ho gayee' lekin main ek guest ki thrah tha' maa ne mujhe kanyadaan karne ke liye bulaya hi nahi? Maine toh inhe kabhi sautela nahi mana hai, itna pyaar karta hoon inhe then why did she not call out to me? Why did she want Sid to perform the ritual? Kya lagta hoon main in logon ka? Vikram keeps telling me that I have to build a family for myself and that my family is not totally my own but I do not know if I can even think of a separate family for myself. When Vikram said "Parivar who nahi hota jise hum mante hai, parivar who hota hai jise hume apna mane" it hurt a lot' I covered my hurt by telling that love is thicker than blood and that my love for my family is always constant but his anger for my sake ' mere liye Vikram ko itna gussa aya' jo woh dekh pata hai koi aur dekh nahi pate??? Akhir kyun? Kyun mera dard mere parivar ko nahi dikhta? They are more than happy to take when I give' and I give because it makes me happy to see them happy'magar jab Vikram ne uske beti ke bare me bola aur kaha ki uska unconditional love is liye hai kyon ki woh uska apni hai' mujhe toh bahut bura laga' Kya main kissi ka apna nahin hoon? Lekin main toh in sab ko apna hi manta hoon'

Vikram has been badgering me about seriously considering getting married and start a family of my own'but at 40 do I really want to get married? Woh joh apnapan ki battein karta hai'kya yeh apnapan sabhi ko naseeb hai? Neha aur Vikram ke liye main bahut khush hoon' they love each other and are very happy with each other but will I find that happiness in my life' kya koi hai jo mujhe aur mere shortcomings ke saath jeena pasand karegi?

These thoughts of marriage and family are really confusing me ' aaj tak mujhe nahi laga ki mere zindagi me kami hai'lekin aaj jo hua, uske baad mere man me ajeeb sa questions aane lage hai? Vikram ki baton mein sacchai hai' wo mere liye gussa ho raha hai aur main use smajha raha hoon'lekin mera dil pooch raha hai mujh se ki mera kaun apna hai?

June 2^nd

I'm back to wondering what is happening in my life' a blind date at 40' the whole prospect would have been laughable if it was someone else going through what I did? What were Neha and Vikram thinking?? How could they even think that someone as shallow as that model' woh toh bas mere paise ke picche padi thi'. She called me sugar daddy' I just cant believe it'kaise type ke log hai yeh'she upped and left the minute I told her that my money had gone.

If that shock was not enough, I had to go and blurt out my innermost feelings to some strange woman'Neha aur Vikram bhi naa' But what I told was 100% sacchai ' I really really do feel jealous of the easy companionship that these two friends of mine share' And I cant explain to myself why I have not been able to find love in my life' They take their love so much for granted'and I yearn for that. The happenings at Ishika's marriage have made me really wonder what my life would have been like if I had someone in my life who would love me for myself and not because I am Ram Kapoor, the business tycoon.. Kya mujhe bhi kabhi naseeb hoga aisa pyaar aur pyaar karnewali' Kya main kabhi mehsoos kar paaoonga total and unconditional love'I don't know why but Vikram's rant yesterday has opened up a plethora of feelings inside me. On one side I logically feel that love and marriage are not a part of my life but ek aur taraf se man taras raha hai aise rishte ka hissa banne ke liye- jo baki sab logo ke liye ordinary or normal hai lekin mere liye ek extraordinary and unique experience hoga' Phir yahi baat mere khayal me aa raha hai ' Main kaun sa itna bura hoon ki mujhe koi nahi mila pyaar karne'

What must that woman in the washroom think about me'I know I did not mention my name and that main kabhi vapis jaane wale nahi hoon ' lekin phir bhi ajeeb lag raha hai ' I was able to pour out my heart ' to a stranger!!! How many strange things are happening all of a sudden? For the past 20 years I have been able to suppress all these emotions and keep them hidden away in the corner of my heart but of late they refuse to be suppressed and want to be heard' Where will all this lead? What is happening to me???