Chapter 4

BrhannadaArmour

@BrhannadaArmour

Chapter Four

Mandar stood on the terrace of his family home, taking in the last hour of sunlight and trying to digest everything that had happened to him that day. He remembered an old song that Āī had taught him, with G. D. Madgulkar's words set to Rāga Yamana to suit the evening mood. He sang in his melodious baritone, spinning out the alluring notes and remembering how he loved to spend time up here, above the crowded busy world, under the vast empty sky.

Yā kātaraveḷī

Pāhijesa tū zavaḷī, pāhijesa tū zavaḷī

At this evening hour,

I want you near me, I want you near me

Divasa zāya buḍuna pāra

Lalita nabhī megha cāra

Pusaṭa tyāsa zarikināra

Usavi tīça sāṃza khuḷī, sāṃza khuḷī

Pāhijesa tū zavaḷī, pāhijesa tū zavaḷī

The day is leaving, sinking away

Just four playful clouds in the sky

As its blurry shimmering border

Unravelled by that silly evening, silly evening

I want you near me, I want you near me

Mandar had learned his name today; he had met his wife Pallavi who was now remarried to Raghav, the same man who had looked after him as he lay bleeding in the street, who had chosen the name Rajiv for him, but who wouldn't throw him a kind word now. Mandar had talked Raghav through a panic attack; then he had stood transfixed as Kirti castigated herself for leaving him to die, and he had found comfort in Farhad, who handled the stressful situation calmly and capably. Mandar was recovering memories of his family ... and now he knew that that woman was Sulochana Kākū.

He should call Amma. He pulled out his phone and did just that. Dr. Ramya answered quickly.

"Amma, it's Raja. Mandar. I'm with my family, but alone on the terrace so we can talk."

"Yes, Mandar, say whatever you are feeling."

"Before that, Amma, I have to tell you this. The woman who brought me to you wasn't a stranger. She is from my own family, my Sulochana Kākū. Fortunately, Pallavi showed me her photo while we were on our way in the car, so I was prepared. I didn't let Sulochana Kākū see that I remember what she did. Amma, why would she abandon me instead of taking me home?"

"Raja, Mandar, I don't know. That woman with the letter Su on her bindī? I never saw her before she showed up at my clinic with you. She said that she was riding in a taxi on the highway when she saw you stumbling along, bandaged and drugged, so she took you into the taxi. When she saw the sign for my clinic, she thought that a psychiatrist would know what you needed, so she came in and asked me to take charge. I believed what she said."

"Amma, I miss you already. I am starting to remember my Āī-Bābā, my little brother Nikhil and my little sisters Manasi and Amruta, my Kākā and Kākū - but just that one untrustworthy person in my family makes me feel unsafe."

"Remember what we say in therapy - if you know someone is on the wrong side, he can't lead you astray. You and Vishnu will be careful, in case Sulochana Kākū plays any more tricks. What about Pallavi? Are you remembering your wife at all?"

"Yes, Amma, I remember some conversations with Pallavi, and our wedding. We could have been happy if I hadn't disappeared. Amma ... Amma, I found out that my Bābā threw Pallavi out of the house."

"What? They thought you died on the wedding day, so he threw your unlucky bride out of the house?"

"No, Amma, when I heard Bābā apologizing to Pallavi, I thought of that, and the idea stunned me. I remember my Bābā teaching me never to mistreat or mock anyone for a misfortune, so of course he wouldn't make a scapegoat of a widow or an orphan. Amma, Pallavi's Āī-Bābā are no more in this world; she only has Siddhesh Dādā, her elder brother in Kolhapur, and his wife, Pavani Vahinī. Pallavi told me, after they found a dead body that they thought was mine, Bābā and Āī comforted her when they themselves were grieving. They gave her my place in the family, my sister Manasi was her best friend, and Pallavi was so happy as their daughter, she didn't go back to her Dādā, and insisted that she didn't want to remarry."

"Well, what happened to spoil that?"

"When Bābā had to manage our family's saree shop without me, Pallavi joined him to help out. Then Bābā had a heart attack, and Pallavi took over. She didn't want him to feel stress because the shop was losing money, so she had an accountant create false accounts to convince Bābā that the shop was fine. This went on for two years, and then, just when the business was becoming profitable through online sales, the landlord offered Pallavi ownership of the shop, and Pallavi was planning to pay a fair price for it. That shameless landlord went to Bābā and told lies about Pallavi - he said that he had gifted her the shop because she was spending nights with him; he said that she asked him to register the business in her name; he also told Bābā about the losses and fake accounts. Bābā was so humiliated when Pallavi admitted that she hid the business problems from him, he lost his temper and threw her out of the house, then tried to set himself on fire, and that same night he had another heart attack. Pallavi continued to look after Bābā's needs for these past three months, and Bābā realized his mistake. Today, Bābā and Pallavi forgave each other, and agreed to put the incident behind them and just be happy that I'm alive."

"Mandar, beṭā, who is this landlord? Why did he do this? Was he stalking Pallavi?"

"I remember our landlord, Jagadish Anna. He was a bit unsavoury. I asked Bābā and Pallavi if they were referring to him, and they said no, but I shouldn't ask any more questions today. They will tell me everything, but they don't want to overwhelm me with new information all at once."

"They are right, Mandar. Just be patient and focus on being a good family man."

"Whoever that landlord is, Amma, I can't forgive him. What kind of heartless person turns a parent against a child? With lies about sexual behaviour, especially!"

Dr. Ramya hiccuped; it sounded like "Nēnu!" Mandar didn't hear her as he continued.

"Pallavi is remarried to Raghav Rao, as you know. Bāppācī kṛpā, she wasn't alone after Bābā rejected her. The man who was there when I needed hospital care is her husband now." Mandar thought about Pallavi moving out of Raghav's house and Raghav's sudden departure with another woman, Kirti, but he didn't feel it was right to talk about their private life with Dr. Ramya.

"Mandar, beṭā, don't give up hope. Everyone can be with the right partner in life, it just takes conscious behaviour modification. Pallavi is your wedded wife first. She deserves a faithful man like you, just as you deserve a faithful woman like her. I recognized Raghav Rao when I saw him - he is notorious for leaving nightclubs with various scantily dressed women, and even had some obscene photos published. What a disgraceful example! No wonder young people are confused about where sexuality belongs - in a marriage where it is natural and respectful."

"Amma, if I can become a good family man through conversion therapy, can't Raghav also change after marriage? At least his temptations are heterosexual - wouldn't Pallavi have an easier path to fulfilment with him?"

"Don't ever doubt yourself, Mandar! You are a good man, and if you tell Pallavi that you're willing to take her back, I'm sure she will see where her happiness lies."

"Amma, can I really make Pallavi happy? I'm terrified. If Bābā can throw out my wife because she hid her problems from him, will he also throw me out when he finds out that I still struggle with same-sex attraction? I've been on my own for two years and eight months now, when you were my only family. I'm starting to remember how much my family matters to me, and I think of being called a bad example for Manasi and Nikhil and Amruta ..." Mandar was trying not to cry.

"Mandar, listen, beṭā. You are trying, and you know how many men have successfully converted, like Vishnu. Remember, you can always pray for divine help to resist temptation. It must be your dinner time, beṭā, try to relax and enjoy spending time with your family."

"Yes, Amma. Good night."

Dr. Ramya also said good night, and disconnected the call. Mandar saw the spectacular sunset colours around him, and tried to cheer himself up by singing another verse.

Śeṣa teja valaya valaya

Pāve tami sahaza vilaya

Kasale tari dāṭe bhaya

Yei tūça tama uzaḷī, tama uzaḷī

Pāhijesa tū zavaḷī, pāhijesa tū zavaḷī

Remnants of radiance, ring by ring

Into the darkness readily perish

Some strange fear coalesces

You arrive, and darkness lights up, darkness lights up

I want you near me, I want you near me

"Excuse me, Mandar?" It was Farhad's voice. Mandar turned and saw Farhad, his face full of concern. "I brought some clothes for you and Vishnu, since you came as you were from Vikarabad."

Mandar looked at him, speechless. How thoughtful Farhad was! Today had been so extraordinary that Mandar had entirely forgotten tomorrow's ordinary needs, but Farhad had thought of them for him.

"Your Āī insisted that Pallavi Bhābhī and I should stay for dinner. After that, I'll take Bhābhī home. Vishnu is busy talking on the phone with his wife, so Āī asked me - I mean, your Āī asked me to bring you downstairs for dinner." Farhad paused, as if he had something more to say.

"Thank you," Mandar said. "For the clothes, for being so good to Pallavi, for coming up here after me."

"Conversion therapy is very dangerous, Mandar." Farhad gave up trying to think of words to approach the subject delicately, and just spoke directly. "It doesn't work for anybody, but your therapist will expect you to say that it is working for you. And that frustration you're feeling will only build up as your sponsor tells you it works for him, and the people you sponsor will tell you that they're following your example."

"Farhad, my family doesn't know. Please don't tell them." Mandar was trembling.

"If it would hurt you, I won't." Farhad spoke softly. "I heard what you said to Dr. Ramya just now. I will pray that very soon, you will see what I saw today. You are a fine example of manhood. You reassured Raghav Anna when he had a panic attack. You showed compassion to Kirti. Your brother and sisters adore you, and that has nothing to do with your sexual orientation. Believe in your family, Mandar. Your Āī is an enlightened and resilient woman. Your Bābā may talk about expectations and respectability, but he believes in family. Please, Mandar, don't let anyone tell you to hate what you find beautiful around you."

"You don't understand, Farhad."

"Maybe true. I might not understand your life, Mandar, but I've accepted mine. What I find attractive is found in men. Allāh Miyā gave me the gift of seeing beauty in men. I accept it gratefully. If Allāh Miyā sends me a man to love, I will honour that purpose of my life."

Mandar had not expected to hear this, but he was curious. "Don't you want to be normal? What about your family?"

"I am myself, and that's normal. I wouldn't feel comfortable as anyone else. And I'd like you to meet my family. But tonight, I'm sitting down to dinner with yours. Come on."

Farhad took Mandar by the hand. As they went downstairs, Mandar's relieved heart was singing the last verse of the song.

Yei baisa, ye samīpa

Adhare he nayana ṭīpa

Dona jyoti, eka dīpa

Manda prabhā maga pivaḷī, maga pivaḷī

Pāhijesa tū zavaḷī, pāhijesa tū zavaḷī

Come and sit, come closer

With your lower lip, press these eyes

Two flames, a single lamp

Faint daylight still yellow, still yellow

I want you near me, I want you near me

At dinner, Manasi and Nikhil both insisted that they would serve everyone; Sharada and Pallavi would stay seated. There were too many voices all talking at once. Pallavi was thankful that everyone's favourite subject was Mandar today, and Sharada and Milind each asked her only once why Raghav hadn't come with her, and didn't question her answer that he was resting after leaving the hospital.

After dinner, Farhad drove Pallavi to the house where she had married Raghav. Lights were on throughout the house, but when they walked up to the front door, they found a padlock on it.

"Bhābhī, I am sorry about this, I gave instructions to the servants to have the whole house ready to welcome you." Farhad apologized, reaching for his phone.

"Surprise, Pallavi Deshmukh!"

Pallavi whirled around at the sound of Raghav's voice. He approached her, swaying on his feet, a bottle of vodka in one hand and a suitcase in the other.

"Raghav, why would you padlock the house? If you didn't want me to stay here, why did you tell me you would instruct Farhad to move me in?"

"Farhad, did I instruct you to move Mrs. Deshmukh into my house?"

"No, Anna, but when Bhābhī told me what you had said -"

"You only take instructions from me, Farhad. From Raghav Rao only. Artham ainadā? And I can change my mind whenever I want. Anytime! I don't answer to any Bhābhī of yours who has no relation with me. Your instructions are to take Mrs. Deshmukh's bag." He handed the suitcase to Farhad.

"Anna, if you will excuse me, I'll stand at the end of the driveway and leave you two alone to talk."

"Alone? With Mrs. Deshmukh? That wouldn't be respectable, isn't that right, Pallavi Deshmukh? I am a parāyā marda to you. So, Farhad, you stay right here. Now listen, Pallavi Deshmukh! If my wife, Pallavi Rao, wanted to live apart from me, I would move her into this house. But not you. Artham ainadā? This house is where I have happy memories of my wife choosing to stay with me and reuniting me with my Amma. This house sits on land where I played with my Celli and Tammi. If you occupy this house when our marriage is dissolved, you might try to ask for it in a settlement. Possession is nine-tenths of the law! You can't trust me? Well, I can't trust you. Artham -"

"Enough, Raghav!" Pallavi cut him off, but gently. "I will leave. Take care of yourself. You've had too much to drink tonight. In fact, you shouldn't be drinking at all. It's your first day out of the hospital."

"Wait! Sārī kā Dukāna! Take this." Raghav handed Pallavi a small piece of plastic.

"A credit card, Raghav?"

"It goes with your new expense account. You'll see it the next time you log into mobile phone banking. You can use it for your living expenses - any hotel you like - and to pay your lawyer. Here's her name." Raghav handed Pallavi the lawyer's business card. "Whatever you say to her is confidential. She'll advise you in your interest only." Raghav put a finger to his lips, then covered his ears with both hands, fumbling the bottle of vodka, which fell and smashed at his feet.

Pallavi jumped slightly at the noise. "Raghav, thank you, this was very thoughtful of you. Amma must be worried about you. Promise me you won't drive drunk. Did you bring a driver?"

"Yes, I am thoughtful. Yes, Amma is worried about me. Yes, I promise, I won't drive drunk. Yes, I brought my driver. Don't worry about me. I am Raghav Rao! I have countless people paid to take care of me. Right, Farhad? And I have Amma and Celli who put up with me because they have no one else left in the world. What I don't have - what I don't have is someone who chose to stay with me, someone who will love me. I thought I had her, but she left me."

"You need a dog, Raghav."

Raghav stared at Pallavi. She took both his hands in hers.

"I'm serious. Why should any human being feel unloved? Find yourself a dog and you'll have the most loyal love you can imagine. You'll have someone who can smell your pain and comfort you before you reach for the drink. Just be sure to walk your dog every day and clean up the waste. Also, watch out for broken glass, of course."

Pallavi turned to Farhad. "Let's go, Farhad. I need to find a hotel."

Farhad followed her with her suitcase in his hand. "If you don't mind, Bhābhī, I have a different idea."